I’m gonna take a dangerous stance and say that if you see “3D” as part of the actual title of the film, the film sucks. Hey, I know, flies in the face of all common sense, huh?
Shark Night 3D shows us exactly where it’s going in the first two minutes – pretty girl in bikini has her top removed without showing anything and then she gets eaten (?), I guess, by a fresh water shark roughly the size of a houseboat. (Later we’re told the lake isn’t fresh water. Oh. I guess that makes it better) SN3D then shifts gears to Tulane University and we’re introduced to Malik (Sinqua Walls), the only black character in the film. And in a scene of awful condescension, utter predictability and writing prowess rarely found outside The Magic Tree House series, we learn that Malik is a future multi-million dollar athlete who likes to intimidate his tutor for thrills.
Now you’re just pissing me off.
I hate the scene where one guy fakes being mad at another for “comic” relief. I hate that the only black guy in the movie is a future #1 draft pick. In what sport, fellas? The only ones where Malik would be earning $$$ are basketball and football, and while Sinqua Walls is clearly athletic, he has the build for neither sport. And the white guy and black guy are only friends because the white guy tutors the black guy? Wow, how enlightened. They can’t just be friends because they’re friends? When the black guy is the first among the group to get attacked by a shark, I was ready to leave the theater.
I’m glad I did not leave. I would have missed the joy Malik (a.k.a. “Lefty” at this point) rising vengeful from his deathbed to take on his assailant. They arm, yes, I did say “arm”, him with a spear. The one black guy in the film, now down to just his left hand, bleeding profusely and in need of a hospital, decides no alternative is better than exacting revenge on his prehistoric foe. With a spear. I would have paid good money to see this directed live, “no, no. You only have one arm remaining, remember? Try to take it down with just your left.” The damage inflicted in the battle, btw, leads to Malik’s suicide in the next scenes. I want you to know that before you see this film if you ever do. If this is how you treat your token black guy in a horror, next time don’t include one. You aren’t doing anybody a favor.
Did I describe the villains here? Guess I didn’t. Not just the fresh salt-water giant lake sharks, of course. That would only merit MST3K territory. Shark Night also saw fit to deliver a set of evil local rednecks driving the menace here in this backwater bayou. Well, you can’t just have shark attack movie with just sharks. People aren’t morons; they’ll just stay out of the water. You gotta find a way to get those teasing teens back in the water. Somebody should have told that to Steven Spielberg. Head villain? This guy (Chris Carmack) who, clearly, looks straight out of the backwoods:
Providing the backwoods include a frat house and an Abercrombie and Fitch, of course.
Shark Night is all about the tease, pretty people almost doing things one might do. Situations of mild trepidation, an ounce or two of gore, a modicum of fear. Pretty coeds announcing it’s time to strip and deliberately turning away for the camera for full tease effect. Bottom line: I don’t like your show or your tell. Shark Night 3D is among the worst films of the year.
Rated PG-13, 91 Minutes
D: David R. Ellis
W: Will Hayes, Jesse Studenberg
Genre: Cheap thrill
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: A horror enthusiast who has yet to see a horror movie.
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the written word.
