What’s Your Number?

At some point you don’t care how many clichés are trotted out, all gift wrapped in a big bow and presented for display, you have to like a movie in which Anna Faris gets to yell, “stop fucking your dog!”

The title refers to the number of people with whom Ally (Anna Faris – back from the dead after Yogi Bear) has had sex. Based on a magazine article, Ally believes that if she sleeps with just one more man, she is doomed to a life of unsatisfactory relationships. Hence, if she reexamines all of her previous sexual conquests, at least one will be Mr. Right and she need not ever choose another new sexual partner again and, ergo, not be doomed. In other words – a movie plot with only movie motivation. But hey, I’m here, let’s give it a chance.

Let’s start with the bad. Clichés. Sigh. A rom-com is nothing without patter; make sure to include these elements when ever telling a story of a big-city girl finding love:

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• Past filled with disappointment and douchebags.
• The big mistake.
• Guy friend discounted as possible Mr. Right.
• A public embarrassment of some kind; guy friend offers solace.
• Friends/relatives push heroine in wrong direction.
• The vow based on something only women will appreciate.
• Mr. Right is attainable, and then turns out to be a jerk.
• Guy friend realized as correct choice from the onset.

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Did I miss anything? I hate the clichés. They’ve got the stench of Katherine Heigl all over them. Personally, I found nothing of merit in The Ugly Truth, Killers, Life as We Know It or 27 Dresses. I’m picking on Katherine Heigl here, because, well, her oeuvre blows. That isn’t to say there wasn’t necessarily anything worth watching in those films; men and women see things differently. It’s an important distinction because director Mark Mylod seems to get it – Chris Evans appearing stark naked outside his apartment to collect the newspaper every morning = faux sexy. That’s not the move that drives most women wild. Chris Evans issuing a no-questions-asked offer to be Ally’s date for her sister’s wedding? That’s the move that will get him in whichever door he pleases.

You say, “but Jim, I’m a guy. How is this film any different from the others?” Ahhhhh. In What’s Your Number?: three (3!) separate instances of Ally nudity. It’s almost certainly a stunt-ass, stunt-breast, whatever in each shot and none lasts more than a second on screen, but think to yourself which is really sexier, the out-of-place glimpse or the lingering stare? I also present one of the sexiest scenes of the year, for either gender, in which a game of strip-H-O-R-S-E (in Madison Square Garden, no less) turns into a one-on-one with two deadly sexy people in their underwear. Guys & gals alike, what’s not to love?

By the way, did I mention the sex scene with a puppet? You know, I just might see this awful film twice.

Rated R, 106 Minutes
D: Mark Mylod
W: Gabrielle Allan & Jennifer Crittenden
Genre: Katherine Heigl bullshit
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Those who have lowered their standards
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Serious people