You know what I loved? Getting engaged. Do you know why? Because I deliberately sought out my ex-girlfriend for a lark. It was awesome … every time I ran into her, she was always dressed in baggy sweats with her hair in some awful formation that screamed, “I’m now ready for spring cleaning.” And even though she was totally hot, she acted all awkward and insecure and made up stuff about fake boyfriends and bogus plans for cool events later. My future wife just stood there, of course, because when you think about it, who cares about a future bride? I mean, that’s why most of the wedding ceremony is devoted to ex-girlfriends. And it’s great how once you start running into your -ex, you can’t really stop and each and every time she seems more pathetic than the last. What fun for all!
This Means War is one of those movies. Isn’t Katherine Heigl supposed to star in every one of them? Guess she got a reprieve. Genuine actress Reese Witherspoon showed up to claim the role of Lauren, Consumer Reports products tester and inexplicably single girl. It gets better. Two CIA agents, FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy), show up to bemoan their own lack of romantic companionship. Does anyone buy any of these three not being able to get a date? Seriously?
In the opening moments, CIA Operations director Collins (Angela Bassett) has to remind our two hotshots they’re on a “covert” mission. Seriously? Who directed this? Oh, McG. Takes a special man to ruin Terminator. Naturally, “covert” is blown, relegating our heroes to desk duty where they play pat-a-cake and horn in on one another’s love life. When they realize they’ve been dating the same woman, both men spare no taxpayer expense to cockblock the other. Wow, this is a bad premise. Did I mention the part where they use high-tech surveillance to help score on their dates? I find this foul. Just foul. You know the part in Groundhog Day where Andie MacDowell catches Bill Murray in the perfection loop? Imagine if that movie ended twenty minutes earlier and pretended that was the right conclusion. Then you get an idea of what This Means War is all about.
Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are both on the short list of future tabloid cover men. Can’t say either is helped by this work, neither Reese, fresh from coming off a decent romance with Team Edward. I’m much happier with her in these crappy films than, say, Katherine Heigl, but I question why she can’t find something better.
A nod to an outstanding sexy throwaway to Reese dressed in -what appears to be only- a big sweater while makin’ popcorn and dancing happy. This Means War needed a lot more of that.
Rated PG-13, 98 Minutes
D: McG
W: Simon Kinberg, Timothy Dowling and Marcus Gautesen
Genre: Buddy pic, CIA hijinks style
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Cockblocking enthusiasts
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of dignity
