I saw this movie two years ago when it was called Burlesque, starred Christina Aguilera, and featured cabaret pop music. Last year, it was called Country Strong, starred Leighton Meester, and featured hip-hop. Next year it will be called Glee, star Glee and feature Glee. The tale is old – talented small pond musician struggles in her new life in the big city. Personally, I’ve grown tired of this tale and always root for SRO on that Midnight Train. Never happens. You know what might move me to root for one of these guys? If they brought with them an actual non-musical skill set … or more than $17 in cash. Do you know how hard it is to find employment in California these days, even for those of us who aren’t Hollywood Hopefuls?
I never would have guessed that heavy metal was any more capable of displaying the gamut of human emotion than rap. And here I am proved right in scene one, in which our heroine Sherrie (Julianne Hough) splits the stix for the coast. And as she reflects upon this moment of freedom, excitement and trepidation, the tune that erupts from her lips is “Sister Christian,” a song which demonstrates none of these emotions. And then the bus erupts into a chorus of the same. Does it matter that “Sister Christian” is probably the worst song Hollywood has ever championed? No. There is only one proper response to being on a bus in which the passengers spontaneously croon Night Ranger, “let me off, now.”
Rock of Ages is a play in movie form. Translated from what had to be an actual staged production, it promises a rockin’ good time in the heartbeat of an LA Club and Tom Cruise and Alec Baldwin and Catherine Zeta-Jones and Russell Brand, but it actually delivers a grotesque amount of Hough and newbie young-Peter-Frampton impersonator Diego Boneta. Regardless of who gets the lion’s share of action, nothing makes up for the stilted direction and general feeling that you’re watching people read lines while waiting for the next number.
Tell me, is the Patricia Whitmore (Catherine Zeta-Jones) anti-rock movement in the pic all tongue-in-cheek? It’s hard to tell. It doesn’t feel like parody, but, seriously, a temperance movement in modern El Lay? That’s rich.
Tom Cruise has a beastly good time as high-profile-zero-responsibility rocker Stacee Jaxx, the disaffected deus-ex-machina of Rock of Ages. I would bet any sum of money you’d care to name that the Cruise folks bolstered this part before Tom condescended to join. Why do I say this? One, because his character gets a tremendous amount of screen time despite being irrelevant to the plot and two, because he’s the only one in the cast who is acting.
I recommend Rock of Ages, barely, and I do stress barely, because musical invention and presentation is the cornerstone of any musical. No fewer than three solid mash-ups: “I Love Rock n’ Roll” v. “Juke Box Hero”, “Shadows of the Night” v. “Harden My Heart” & “We’re Not Gonna Take It” v. “We Built This City” all managed to convey the idea that the music producer Adam Anders deserves to be employed. As does the guy who finessed the Baldwin/Brand duet late in the film. Jury is still out on Hough and Boneta.
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
D: Adam Shankman
W: Justin Theroux, Chris D’Arienzo and Allan Loeb
Genre: Rock Opera
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the modern musical
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: “I hate the 80s.”
