The biggest problem with a movie starring Kevin James as a UFC gladiator is I’m not entirely convinced that Kevin James could beat my daughter in a fair fight. Hence, asking us to imagine him as a cage-match brawler is akin to imagining Keanu Reeves as Stephen Hawking.
Do you remember the start of the original Rocky? Opens in a low-grade warehouse where sanctioned fights take place between people who need day jobs. 
Rocky earns an ugly victory and nets under $100 for a payday. Two things – there was a paying crowd at the fight and this was back at a time when your average American could name a professional boxer or two. How does an amateur kick-boxer make money now? Do people get paid for fight club?
Scott Voss (Kevin James) is a crappy biology teacher. I’m quite certain a better film than this intended to make a statement about unions and tenure. When Scott shows up late, again, the principal is waiting to dock him a vacation day. Gee, what do you care, Scott? All you do is read the newspaper while you’re “teaching.” And, hey, you slackers get plenty of vacation, anyway, right? That’s why you’re teachers. Isn’t that what you do, just read a newspaper all day while students graffiti on their desks? Yeah, that’s a fair assessment of teachers. As I said, a better film almost certainly would have attacked, fairly or otherwise, union philosophy. But Here Comes the Boom is a Kevin James film – don’t pray for social commentary; not long ago he played a character as mock gay for health benefits without once questioning the system that would present him with this choice.
Anyhoo, while attempting to avoid responsibility, Voss discovers the music program and music teacher friend Marty Streb (Henry Winkler) are getting the ax. Something must be done! Screw biology, those kids need music! Naturally, Scott decides the UFC is the path to quick money. Please excuse me while I slap my forehead. Several times. Of course, the economics of small-time plans always fascinates me – which is why I had the Rocky paragraph above. Scott has two miserable amateur bouts in warehouses with no audience in which he gets his considerable ass handed to him both times … and yet nets $750 for his effort. Um … how? And then he gets bigger venues? Um … how? And the concussion/hospital trip in his first bout didn’t dissuade him from this plan? Um … why? And we are led to believe an out-of-shape bio-“teaching”-Cap’n-Crunch-munching-lazy blob has the ability to montage into a guy who can compete on the UFC circuit. Um … WTF? Isn’t that just the slightest bit demeaning to every.single.person who has ever entered a ring after proper training?
Hey, Lloyd Dobler was right; kick-boxing really was the sport of the future.
There’s a girl, of course. School nurse Bella Flores (Salma Hayek) won’t give Scott the time of day until he starts caring about something. This story line is nice. Salma would still be way out of his league, anyway, but one can imagine a real life spark forming between a less-hot-woman and a man suddenly finding a purpose. Kevin James always comes off as a nice guy. You want to root for him, but it’s impossible to believe him as a warrior. There’s no instinct to inflict pain upon another human there. Kevin James is the guy who fights to make your tax deduction legitimate, not the one who takes on all comers, Eastwood-style. Boom was better than the Sandler/Vaughn crap Kevin’s been making lately, but it’s still a far cry from Hitch.
Kevin James gets inspired; music he must save.
Octagon fighting is the path he will brave.
As long as you’re getting beat up for an hour or two,
Could you bring Spade, Sandler and Chris Rock with you?
Rated PG, 105 Minutes
D: Frank Coraci
W: Kevin James, Allan Loeb, Rock Reuben
Genre: Rocky
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: UFC dreamers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The vociferous anti-teacher lobby
