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The Worst Films of 2014

The annual shit list is out, better late than never, right?  Well, for all of these films, probably better never.  Let’s get to it.

 

DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

Transformers: Age of Extinction

You can’t tease me like this – you can’t put “Transformers” and “Extinct” in the title of a movie, because I’ll actually hope there’s a connection.

Sinbad: The Fifth Voyageimage

It seems the fifth was the one with all the crappy, non-threatening claymation. You gotta cut this guy off, or he’ll just keep sailin’ places.

Repentance

I’d say that’s an apt feeling following the watching of this film.

Think Like a Man Too, Dumb and Dumber To

(I hated these … as well)

image

And So It Goes

I hope that when I get old I won’t love a film on the sole criteria that, “people my age are in it.”

A Master Builder

Do you know how hard it is to make Henrik Ibsen roll in his grave? Wallace Shawn does.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

A lesson for all script writers out there – you can take a character; you can dress him as a giant reptile; you can give him colorful clothing, medieval Japanese weaponry, the name of a Renaissance artist. You can give him a master in the formimage of an adult anthropomorphic rodent and a Playboy bunny reporter to lust after. But at the end of the day, the character still has be interesting on his own. I see you put the step ladder in front of the high bar, but you know, a turtle probably still isn’t gonna clear it.

Step Up All In

I just keep getting served. When will I learn?

Addicted

In retrospect, the least apt title in all of 2014. There’s nothing at all addicting about this film.

Panic 5 Bravo

I wonder if they put “Bravo” in the title to assure they’d get at least one. They did not.

 

 

THE BOTTOM TEN

 

10. Biblical interpretation – ooooh, and we got a good representation from both Old Testament and New Testament:

Exodus: Gods & Kings

Sunday School fail
Nobody explained to me
The plague of Bale

Left Behind

Say, Rapture, buddy
Could you speed things up a bit?image
There’s still more film left

Noah

In pairs for viewing
And filed out two by two,
Most disappointed

Son of God

I’m trying not to
Take the Lord’s name in vain, but
Jesus Christ, this sucked

9. The Tale of Princess Kugaya

Pixar imagespoiled me
I expect animation
To have some merit

8. The Pyramid

Confused! The title
Can’t describe a pyramid …
Those things have a point

7. Sabotage

Now that Arnie is
Through messing my state, he can
Resume his “career”

6. The Legend of Hercules

Many have imagewritten
About this fabled strongman
Go ahead, read one

5. The Single Moms Club

Tyler, Tyler please
Tyler, Tyler, Tyler please
Stop stop stop stop stop

4. Tusk

The kind of awful
Found in Human Centipede
A trilogyimage, aaaaahhhhhh!

3. Nymphomaniac

Congratulations
Lars, you’ve taken all the joy
From sexuality

2. The eternal struggle

Devil’s Due

Someday, we will learn
That footage this confusing
Is best left unfound

God’s Not Dead

Title begs imagequestion
What causes the insecure
That needs to affirm?

1. America: Imagine the World without Her

Crap so offensive
Inspires the claim: the Earth
Would be better off

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