Clearly, this isn’t the name of a movie, but rather a setting on machinery in a skyscraper creation factory. Before you get any ideas, I have no more desire to add a “Max” prefix to “Steel Frog” and more than I had desire to identify with the “Real” prefix.
They don’t really make films like Max Steel any longer and by that I mean films that so easily lend themselves to MST3K treatment. Max Steel, which isn’t even a real name, but a hybrid of bland human teen Max (Ben Winchell) and flying alien robot (?) Steel (voice of Josh Brener, trying his best to be David Cross) is laughably bad science fiction in the vein of anything you’d associate with giant insects, alien invaders or Tor Johnson. In a nutshell, Max acquires some abilities and a new outer space friend just in time to stave off the destruction of Earth – which should have been destroyed sixteen years ago when the previous Max lost his fight to the conquering invaders, the ultralinks (I’m not kidding. “Ultralinks””), but we’re just gonna ignore that little piece of plot.
As I tell you this next part, please keep in mind this film is aimed at teenage boys: slowly and surely, Max discovers he has powers. It’s hard to describe this next part any other way: these powers seem to be visible electrical impulses oozing from his palms. He can’t seem to control these impulses, aggressively fights to keep it to himself and they continually appear at very inopportune times. So let me get this straight – there’s a growing teenage boy who has suddenly developed uncontrollable biological urges he finds embarrassing? Are you sure the theater is the right venue for this film and not, say, health class? Just sayin’. Look, Max, it’s ok, buddy; we’ve all been there. Just, one guy to another, do your best not to advertise. Not cool, y’know?
Five minutes into this film, Maxmom –the ultimate mom!—(Maria Bello) invites Andy Garcia to dinner. For me, this development prompted exactly one train of thought, “there’s your bad guy. May as well kill him now, kid. You’re gonna have to eventually.” Max, of course, is busy with tissues 
of his own and can’t be bothered with murder at the present time. He still hasn’t been introduced to the plot, which will soon include Steel, the “male” version of Eva from WALL-E. Together, Max and Steel have Wonder Twin powers or some stupid plot convenience to that effect – but only if Max can stop being petulant about having super powers and Steel can overcome his weird David Cross vibe – it’s like he’d rather give a passive-aggressive minor scolding than resolve the problem of the ultralinks. Just askin’ here – but have you guys tried copying and pasting the ultralinks as values? That totally works for me.
There’s a girl involved. There’s always a girl involved. Sofia (Ana Villafañe) darn near flattens Max with her truck early on. So close. Shame. I have no idea why Sofia would put up with the “hair on my palms” routine Max develops to skip out on dates and, in retrospect, I care nothing for the actress; I just wanted to include a tilde in this review; for me, that’s a max steal.
So here’s the max deal:
Making all the Quaker box at once
Yields Max Oatmeal
A monster truck
Is a Max Vehicle
When the grease from the burger you ate plugs up all your arteries at once,
That’s a Max Congeal
The Library of Congress on wheels
Could be a Max Bookmobile
Town Hall in Munich houses
A Max Glockenspiel
When a snitch outs every other member of the mafia,
That’s a Max Squeal
A triple header of The Illusionist, Playing for Keeps and Total Recall (2012)
Is a Max Biel
And a crappy sci-fi film culminating with a half-assed energy fight with Andy Garcia
Could only be a Max Steel
Rated PG-13, 92 Minutes
D: Stewart Hendler
W: Christopher Yost
Genre: Your growing body, an after-school special
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Teenage boys, I suppose
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody who can remember AND respect The Godfather, Part III (admittedly, a tall order)
