This year’s worst list has a distinctly derived feel. Spying the titles below, I find five sequels, two parodies, a Nicholas Sparks, a Jackass wannabe, and a collection consisting entirely of cutting floor pieces from other films. You guys might wish to consider greenlighting original bullshit; even if bad, it has the benefit of being uniquely bad. Now let’s get to it.
Dishonorable mentions:
The Divergent Series: Allegiant
Divergent is an apt descriptor – This franchise has completely diverged from entertainment.
“I packaged my outtakes and made a film!” Huh. Well then, I wish I had a garbage heap of tossed insults to describe it.
Anybody else disturbed by Robert De Niro being on this list twice?
You give me the blues. Literally and figuratively.
Proof that the recent surge
in quality animation wasn’t universal.
I see you, Netflix. And I wish I hadn’t seen this.
This sounds and plays like a bad episode of some Housewives reality show. Props to giving Luis Guzmán a starring role – that took some kind of imagination, hombres.
Min effort.
A cash-in on the fear that surrogate mothers are terrible, terrible people. Even if you didn’t find the theme irresponsible, the plot will make you cringe.
Reading this title, I picture some Alfred-type English butler stating, “Ah, and what is the young Master Jesus up to this morning? Healing his teddy bear? Saving the waterfowl? Collecting enough mud pies to feed
the village?” Biggest problem here is nobody actually wants to see a churlish or impish Jesus, so He is presented as a flawless adult pre-pubescent. What fun.
I’m keeping this away from the bottom 10 for one reason and it isn’t Bryan Cranston or James Franco – choose a bad role, fuel a bad film — you get what you get. The reason is Keegan-Michael Key, who tried very hard to apPeele to a better sense of humor.
The Bottom 10
10. The Choice
Puzzled by title
If the theme consists of choice
You might offer one
9. Nine Lives
S
pacey as a cat
If film finds resilience
Let’s kill it ten times
Surely, we all do
Wish for an effective Purge —
Start with parodies
7. Gods of Egypt
One thing I have learned
Gods of ancient worlds were
Into CGI
A new theme to botch
Say, isn’t Tyler Perry
Already costu
med?
Original prone
And yet sleazy parody
Is no improvement
Premise begs question:
Omnipotence needs defense?
How strong is your faith?
Style tops substance?
If that’s the composition
Your mien better rock
Jackassophiles
Inventing personal pranks
Biggest is on them
1. Blair Witch
Curious power
Making all viewers seasick
Should remain dormant
