Worst active franchises by genre (requirements: 3+ films with same root either in the can or in development with the latest no further back than 2016)
Action/Adventure: Transformers
Animated: The Smurfs (just give me a reason, Ice Age. You’re thisclose.)
Comedy: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Horror: Underworld (barely beats out Resident Evil, The Blair Witch Project and The Ring) Wait. Hold up. Sources say Saw 8 is due this Halloween; sorry, Underworld, you’re bad, but you gotta be Human Centipede or Paranormal Activity level to best that.
Romance: Fifty Shades of Grey
Sci-fi/fantasy: Transformers (but there’s room here for Divergent)
Family: Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Begging the question, “WHY?!,” the Diary of Wimpy Kid franchise got a reboot last week to the satisfaction of sadists and fart-joke connoisseurs everywhere. The words of Dr. Ian Malcolm come to mind, “Dinosaurs had their shot, and nature selected them for extinction.” Three awful Diary of a Wimpy Kid movies had been made already; how is this one going to differ? New cast? Fine, but the cast wasn’t the (biggest) problem, the hateful writing was. What’s that? This version is co-written by the Diary of a Wimpy Kid author himself Jeff Kinney? Ok, I will give Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul exactly ten minutes to show me a film worth seeing.
I only needed three minutes, of course. That was the point at which Greg Heffley (Jason Drucker) emerges from a ball pit attached to something awful and screams “DIAPER HANDS!” This, of course, becomes the unpleasant running joke of the movie – for whom is this joke, exactly? It’s not terribly funny, nor is the viral hype that follows and works only to embarrass the hero, leading him down a path of bad choices. In four films, I have yet to see the Diary of Wimpy Kid franchise answer the simple question, “Why do you hate your characters?” At this point, of course, I care not. And truth be told, “DIAPER HANDS” is comparatively kind by Wimpy Kid standards; it’s like when Trump manages to utter a sentence without lying and the press falls over themselves with encouragement.
Opting for “family togetherness” in the form of torture, the Heffley family loads up the minivan for the four-day Long Haul to Meemaw’s 90th birthday. I’m not sure which part of that fills me with the most horror: “minivan?” “four-day?” or the (nick)name “Meemaw?” Now, this part is important – mom confiscates all electronic devices on day one, morning one, which is cruel – just cruel—to pull on your family without notice. So dad (Tom Everett Scott) and Greg make a deal to hide their internet usage from mom. Just contemplate that for a moment – in a family film, dad and middle son conspire to lie to mom … and not even for her own good. Oh yeah, this is ideal family entertainment.
I didn’t even discuss who these parents are – Tom Everett Scott is Mr. Heffley in Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul. This move is slightly alarming from the perspective of viewers feeling their years; it’s hard to identify Scott from anything other than That Thing You Do! … but he replaces another band member (Steve Zahn) in the patriarchal Heffley role. So who’s next, the bass player? Mom is a different 
story – the uptight mom that dad and Greg conspire against is played by Alicia Silverstone, and if you can name any role from Ms. Silverstone in this century, you deserve a prize. Along those lines, if there’s anything today that can make you feel older than seeing Alicia Silverstone play the type-A mom of a high-school dropout, I dare you to name it.
The faces changed, but the tenor of these films remained exactly the same, which makes me queasy on several levels – this is what you wanted, author Jeff Kinney? There wasn’t a mistake in the rush to release? Examining the Wimpy Kid franchise from afar and deciding the problem was that Greg Heffley got too old is like studying the Titanic and concluding the ship needed a fresh coat of paint. These are terrible films. They didn’t get better with a new cast; they won’t be better next year, either. This franchise doesn’t need a reboot; it needs a funeral and any desire to examine or re-examine the written work of Jeff Kinney died with this screenplay.
♪Almost ‘leven
Nearly teenage
Stuck in the car
Drivin’ cross the nation
Life, it sucks here
Staring at the trees
Mom removed my cell phone
(I’m) left with memories
Grumpy roads, serve me well
Cuz we head
Straight for Hell
All the hostile’s, mountin’, momma
Need no more, grumpy roads♫
Rated PG, 91 Minutes
D: David Bowers
W: Jeff Kinney and David Bowers
Genre: The incessant road trip
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Your porcine-loving toddler
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Moms
♪ Parody inspired by “Take Me Home, Country Roads”
