How many scenes of Craig T. Nelson in his tighty-whities does one film need? I ask this in all earnestness as Green and Gold gave us not one, not two, but three separate moments of Craig and his 80-year-old junk barely concealed by the least-flattering undergarment ever created by human hands. Oh, and it didn’t stop there; the film also gave us three more scenes of shirtless Craig. Is your nana wet? Oh, she’s gonna be.
Well, sure, the film didn’t really resolve any of its conflicts including, but not limited to, the foreclosure of the farm, the health status of grandma (Annabel Armour), and the musical career of the granddaughter (Madison Lawlor). But it did tell us how the Green Bay Packers ended their 1993-1994 season and it did show us plenty of Craig T. Nelson skin, cuz, you know, farmers are just better people than the rest of us in so, so many ways.
Based on what I’m guessing was a real-life tragedy, Green and Gold tells the story of an aged Wisconsin man who -quite literally- bet the farm on the Green Bay Packers. The film never gets into why an 80-year-old man is in such debt. The film ignores complete questions I’d like to know the answers to, like: “Why is an 80-year-old dairy farmer renting cattle?” “Where have his own cows gone?” “Why did he buy a $40k tractor that he never uses?” And, most importantly, “What was his retirement plan?” I swear, only in the United States do we consider it noble for people to work well past retirement age.
Well, let’s get to the questions the film did answer. Buck (Nelson) is a Wisconsin dairy farmer on hard times. He’s also an avid Packers fan. A “devout” man, Buck often ducks out of Sunday service early to go watch the Packers game on TV. This seems right in line with the way most Americans truly feel about faith – 100% lip service and appearances. There’s no way Jesus would approve of the Republican agenda, and, yet, most Americans who identify as Christian vote Republican. The film thinks it’s funny that Buck doesn’t care about church … you KNOW you don’t have to go, right?
Buck’s dairy farm is being foreclosed on. Buck has missed one-too-many payments and this is inevitable. Whatever Buck does is just stop-gap stuff. His farming methods are ancient. The film lauds this, but the same people who praise Buck’s obstinance and old school ways have no problem with a system where Buck is completely obsolete. Seriously, America, you care about Buck? Try NOT voting for billionaires.
Because the film has essentially nothing to say, it gave us a backstory on Buck’s granddaughter, Jenny (Lawlor). Jenny is a cowgirl but wants off the farm to go start a dead-end music career. She’s obsessed with faux white trash poser Billy Reed (Brandon Sklenar), a small-time recording artist who has come to live near their farm. This story is weak, irrelevant, and incomplete, but it did give the camera something to do other than ogle nude-Craig calisthenics. [Oh, and per modern RW idealism, we all know Billy is no good the minute he professes vegetarianism at the dinner table.]
Buck’s obsession with the Packers goes deep. He named all the cows (male and female and rentals) after members of the 1967 Green Bay championship team and even names his pig “Ditka.” The obsession reaches nth level when Buck bets a year of foreclosure forgiveness on the upstart Packers. This is a stupid bet, but it’s the reason we’re watching this film. The original title of Green and Gold was “God Loves the Green Bay Packers.” ‘Nuff said.
There’s a sad-yet-prevalent philosophy in this nation that rural lives are nobler [read: better] than urban ones. This is often used to justify both racism and the unspoken agreement that rural voters have more political power than urban voters. They do. Don’t argue. Rural votes count a lot more than urban ones. This is a movie
for them and for the things they value, like football, faux-religion, the appearance of equality without ever getting there, and -most importantly- pig-headed stubbornness. It never seems to matter how wrong a man is in this country, just how loudly he voices whatever he believes in. It doesn’t ever seem to occur to Americans that people who are wrong should -quite frankly- be quieter. Let me rephrase, such occurs to them when they see women and minorities as outspoken, but the same never, ever, ever applies to a white man. Buck should have sold his farm twenty years ago. Now he’s stuck with bills he can’t pay and a retirement he’ll never see. And, somehow, this makes him a better person than a nobody in an office building quietly working on a 401K. If only all middle managers bet their livelihoods on the Green Bay Packers, huh?
There was once a dairy farmer named Buck
In old age, his loans made him stuck
Foreclosure at his back
He bet the farm on the Pack
And left guys like me to say, “What the FUCK?!”
Not Rated, 105 Minutes
Director: Anders Lindwall
Writer: Missy Mareau Garcia, Michael Graf, Anders Lindwall
Genre: Movies that make you grandmother wet
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Men who wank to the voices of Jim Nantz and Tony Romo
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Good God, man, for the love of Bart Starr, retire or find another profession”
