OH LORD. We are still peddling the “Jews killed Jesus” narrative?! I thought that died when we collectively realized Mel Gibson was a piece of shit. Well, my fellow “Christians” … GOD DAMN YOU. GOD DAMN YOU ALL.
Let me discuss, briefly, from an historical POV what it takes to buy into the “Jews killed Jesus” narrative. The unified Roman Empire (27 BC – AD 395) was arguably the strongest and greatest nation (comparatively) the planet Earth has ever known. The period under which The Roman Empire ruled Judea and all the holy lands was called Pax Romana (“Roman Peace”). It was marked by Roman imperialism, hegemonic power, and regional expansion. The Romans got to your land, took it over, and ruled the Roman way. Period.
The Roman Empire asserted its strength through uniformity and cruelty. It crucified thousands upon thousands of poor souls during this period. Jesus was hardly the first, nor the last. Now that I’ve got you up to speed, to accept that the Jews are responsible for the death of Jesus -as The King of Kings did- we have to accept that this cruel, barbarous Roman Empire which wielded power through authority and decisive aggression somehow ceded (?) that power to a local mob on that day? Do you see how silly that sounds? That the Romans who were all fire determined to kill somebody (and THREE somebodys on that particular day, not just Jesus), decided to leave fate arbitrarily to the guy who shouted loudest in the burro parking lot? The Romans I studied would sooner kill everybody and sort it out later, if ever.
The Romans killed Jesus. The Romans had the crosses, the swords, the authority, the power, and the will. The Jews had [checks notes] nothing. Pretending Jews are responsible for the death of Jesus is among the cruelest hoaxes in all of religion.
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I was prepared to like this film. Really, I was. It’s a cartoon about the life of Jesus. How bad can it be, right? Jesus was a good guy. Maybe the cartoon version of Jesus can do what the church version can’t (i.e. make church-going Americans empathetic). Sure, in this form, you’ll get more fans of Super Mario in cartoon form, but this is harmless.
Oh rats. It is not. And the enthusiasm which the child in the story adopts upon hearing The “Greatest” Story Ever Told is downright disgusting. Do you honestly believe small children are going to learn of Jesus’ horrible, bloody, and gruesome death and shout, “YIPPEE!! TELL ME MORE!!” That is several shades of wrong any way you look at it.
The King of Kings is an animated family retelling of the life of Jesus based roughly on The Life of Our Lord by Charles Dickens. In the film, Dickens (voice of Kenneth Branagh) is a character, and opens the film by turning a failed stage performance of A Christmas Carol into a bedtime story told to his King Arthur-obsessed youngest child, Walter (Roman Griffin Davis).
Instead of being bored to tears by the goody-goody nature of our Lord and Savior, Walter is somehow fascinated by the tales of Jesus, cuz what rambunctious four-year-old isn’t fascinated by the 
non-stoning of a woman-of-ill-repute?
I cannot stress enough how much this film exaggerates a child’s joy of Jesus. Walter is over-the-moon giddy after hearing the story of Jesus. Seriously. How shall I put this? No child in the world. Nary.a.single.one jumps up and down with exuberance waking his siblings and ranting like he’s just rode his first roller coaster upon hearing the story of Jesus. NOT ONCE. EVER. IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. You’re imagining things, Angel Studios. I don’t blame you; this is your thing, no? BUT, COME ON, man. A four-year-old hearing about “loaves and fishes”, about a failed stoning, and the crucifixion, and treating it like a trip to Willy Wonka’s factory?
Are you that desperate for younger viewers?
Stupid question. Of course you are. Jesus wept. I have never in my life seen a group so insistent upon playing both victim and bully at the same time as modern American Christians. Wait. Scratch that. I have. MAGA. Yeah, these groups were made for each other.
Don’t fret; this land is filled with actual groomers. They just aren’t grooming for LGBTQ inclusion. 99% of American groomers are religiously indoctrinated just.like.you.
And just.like.you, The King of Kings looks harmless, but is actually a dangerously misguided attempt to enhance the flock. Fuck you, Angel Studios, and the Holier-than-thou cloud you wafted in on.
I was never one for Sunday school classes
Call me “sinner” for intellectual trespasses
As an agnostic, I’m defined
Not religiously inclined
But at least I’m not cheating the masses
Rated PG, 103 Minutes
Director: Seong-ho Jang
Writer: Seong-ho Jang, Rob Edwards, Jamie Thomason
Genre: Propaganda
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Angel Studio executives
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me
