Striking a blow for feminism., well, striking several blows for feminism, then reloading, striking more blows for feminism, afterwards abandoning conventional weapons and plunging, bowling pinning, and kick-boxing blows for feminism is Ballerina, new to theaters this month. Or should I call it by its recognizable genre: From the World of John Wick: Ballerina?
Does John Wick make an appearance in this film? Yes, he does. C’mon, we both know that’s why you’re here. Without the John Wick legacy, Does Ballerina get you in the door? I thought not.
So did they kill her dog, too? Thankfully, no. Just her parents. But it turns out killing the parents of a little girl can scar one just as much as killing an adult man’s puppy … who knew?! Li’l Eve (Victoria Comte young, Ana de Armas as a young adult) is the product of paid hitters. Dad puts on quite the show in staving off his own assassination long enough to get Eve to safety. Winston (Ian McShane) brings her to the finishing school adjacent to the John Wick venue. You know the one: the Ruska Roma institute of ballet and bloodletting [the Fightin’ Pavlovas].
Over the next twelve years, Eve learns to avoid emotion and become an assassin, which seems (to me) kind of an asshole thing to do to one whose parents were violently killed by professionals, but no one got ahold of a social worker when Eve became an orphan. Then she gets a kill-or-be-killed final exam, which not only seems like a dick move, it’s also counter-productive. I mean, imagine investing 12 years in a child just to have them blow the final. BTW, was there an oral exam to go with the written? Anyhoo, Eve passes, and now she’s a big-league assassin. This goes fine until she runs into a guy marked by the same
scarring of the cultists who killed her parents.
Yeah, we all know where this is headed. Perhaps I should say, “we know where this is be-headed.” It is a John Wick film, after all. The only salient issues to a film like this are:
Do we care about Eve getting her revenge? Yes, but not as much as the film thinks we should.
Is Eve a believable badass? Yes, more-or-less.
Is the eventuality of Eve-v-small-town realistic in any way? I want to say “sort of.” I mean, the answer is “no,” but if we believe in John Wick, the action here isn’t a stretch by any means.
What the Hell does “Lux in tenebris” (Eve’s back tattoo) mean? “Light in the darkness.” But I’m pretty sure in the wintertime alps combat zone where Eve goes to work, it also means, “Skate on his hand.”
Is Ballerina as good as John Wick? No. And it really never tries to be. We simply accept that there’s a new sheriff in town and Keanu Reeves shows up once or twice for good measure, so what are you complaining about? I’ve seen a lot of John Wick destroying communities; I found his female counterpart adequate and -at times- refreshing. Decent action film.
There was once an orphan named Eve
Who wasn’t given much time to grieve
Sent to a death mill
To learn how to kill
She does things now you wouldn’t believe
Rated R, 124 Minutes
Director: Len Wiseman
Writer: Shay Hatten, Derek Kolstad
Genre: Shooty shooty stabby stabby
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of John Wick
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: If you don’t like John Wick, you’re probably not going for his protégé
