When I was a kid, I loved Godzilla. I loved Godzilla the same way I loved T-Rexes and Pro Wrestling and Monster Trucks. Godzilla was big, destructive, and in-your-face.
And then I grew up.
And I realized Godzilla films are boring. It pains me to say this: I have a several friends who are still into this giant atomic-age metaphor. But this blog is a testament to my truth, not theirs. And Godzilla films are dull … we wait half an age for the monster to show up. Before that time, the film, whatever Godzilla film, is riddled with wooden performances and bad dubbing. Oh, and there’s often a small child in shorts and a beanie running around science labs for no apparent reason. When Godzilla finally does emerge from the makeup trailer, he owns the screen, but only because he’s destroying superglue models left and right.
You want to stop Godzilla? Make giant Legos.
I digress.
Not long ago, a Godzilla film emerged that defied all previous expectation. Godzilla Minus One presented genuine characters, moving stories, and thoughtful drama. It was precisely the best Godzilla film ever made … entirely because Godzilla was an afterthought. In every other Godzilla film, Godzilla IS the film. End of story. And the film could only be as interesting as one finds Godzilla because there is nothing else there to enjoy.
I did not know Shin Godzilla came out in 2016. I discovered this during the opening credits. Here, I had been hoping for a sequel to Godzilla Minus One, and instead I got standard Godzilla action and all the boredom that comes with it.
Here’s the film: Godzilla shows up, destroys a few things. Panicked people try to get rid of it. That’s it.
In the meantime, there is talking. Not real conversation, just people making 
grand pronouncements to no one in general. I couldn’t tell you who the human star of Shin Godzilla is. There is none. I couldn’t tell you a single line of dialogue that can’t be met with an eyeroll. I can tell you that at some point a “scientist” with a Godzilla “data” chart that looks like one of those “Magic Eye” optical illusions.
Godzilla looks fierce. Godzilla always looks fierce. At least this time, it doesn’t look like someone in a Godzilla costume. Sadly, that is they very best thing I can say about this film. This is a standard crappy talking-heads-just-wait-for-the-monster Godzilla film. I have no idea why it why re-released other than a naked and cheap desire to cash in on Godzilla Minus One. Shin Godzilla takes away a lot more than one from this franchise.
There once was a lizard called “God”
Who destroyed with every part of its bod
The army attacked
Success they lacked
Given history, that seems rather odd
Rated PG-13, 120 Minutes
Director: Shinji Higuchi, Hideaki Anno
Writer: Hideaki Anno, Ishirô Honda, Takeo Murata
Genre: This sucks, 2016
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who want a franchise reboot so badly, they’ll accept a stomping
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Genuine film fans
