Hollywood has now made four (4) Fantastic Four films this century. They have all sucked. The newest one The Fantastic Four: First Steps took the gambit of introducing a child into the universe of the Fantastic Four. It is worth note that this is an actual category for “Jumping the Shark.” Of course, when your franchise cannot go anywhere but up, why not tempt a shark jump, huh?
Let two platonic friends have sex, invite Ted McGinley to show up, or even, yes, jump a shark with a speed boat.
Speaking of “Happy Days,” First Steps is set in 1964 — no that doesn’t quite extend to “Happy Days” territory, but it is much closer than most superhero films have taken us lately. The setting seemed ideal to promote any number of cheesy Fantastic Four clothing items and merchandise. Few films have lent themselves more quickly to fast food promotion. Want your Fantastic Four happy meal? The burger has no meat, but several layers of cheese. It isn’t filling, but don’t worry; it’s also not tasty … it does, however, show off several blue & white logos.
The story here is that we are well past the accident that made astronauts Reed Richards (Pedro Pascal), Sue Storm (Vanessa Kirby), Ben Grimm (Ebon Moss-Bachrach), and Johnny Storm (Joseph Quinn) into superheroes. Reed is bendy, Sue gets invisible, Ben rocks, and Johnny is a flamer. Quite frankly, I think it more believable that they contracted superpowers from space than NASA sent up a married couple and her brother in the same flight, but that might be just me. It is 1964, and Reed and Sue are having a baby.
Meanwhile, in evil, a silver surfer (Julia Garner) comes down from outer space to let Earth know it’s got just a few months to get its affairs in order, for planet-consumer Galactus (Ralph Ineson) has Earth on the menu for his next big treat.
While it takes most civilizations decades upon decades to master space travel -and, to be fair, at this point in history, Earthlings had yet to conquer the moon- the Fantastic Four crew were able to commandeer a rocket and find Galactus in somewhere around 30 minutes. Galactus immediately offers not consuming the Earth in exchange for Sue’s baby, which seems like a pretty sweet deal for Earth, tbh, but the Four says no.
None of this is believable, by the way. I didn’t find a single believable scene in the whole film. Nor one that made me cheer. In the exciting escape-from-Galactus-and-get-back-to-Earth scenes that followed, the baby chooses this moment to make his debut. So the men all get to do stuff, while Sue lies on the floor writhing in pain from childbirth. Quite the feminist moment, huh? Maybe we’re excited that the Silver Surfer is female. Maybe that’s the feminist icon we need. And if they put her in something that wasn’t a skin-tight body suit, maybe I’d agree.
This is a bad film. And a boring bad film, which is unforgiveable for the genre. I suppose I liked
it better than previous editions of the Fantastic Four, but that’s a damn low bar. Oh, super, you were better than the one highlighted by Jessica Alba’s non-nudity as invisible girl … or the one in which twentysomething Miles Teller plays *Doctor* Reed Richards.
I suppose I didn’t loathe The Fantastic Four: First Steps, but I was not a fan of the baby gambit – and that’s the entire film. I love the part where Dr. Richards decides the best plan is to run from the bully – what a great lesson! And such will require the people of Earth all to come together for the good of the planet. Oh yeah, the planet coming together in this atmosphere. Geez, read the room, producers. We can’t even get a majority of this country to come together on any given issue. You know how you stay at the end credits of a superhero film to see the special teaser scene for another superhero film. I walked out as soon as I saw the first credit.
I regret nothing.
The fantastic men have all taken stock
Bendy doctor, the flame, and the rock
“Hey, wait, I’m a four!”
Says Invisi-woman, in labor
“You sit this out; leave saving to a cock.”
Rated PG-13, 114 Minutes
Director: Matt Shakman
Writer: Josh Friedman, Eric Pearson, Jeff Kaplan
Genre: Movies you don’t believe
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People who enjoy “The Bay Gambit”
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who has seen it
