Hey, it looks like somebody has read Michael Crichton. Well, skimmed him at least … or maybe once saw Westworld or something. Hard to say. But the bullshit plot in Primitive War felt much more Crichton-like than anything I’ve seen out of Jurassic World in the past decade.
Is that good? No, not really. But it is a new take on bullshit. Or, in this case, Tyrannosaurus shit. The year is 1968 and the location is Nam, man. A Green Beret platoon has gone missing; it’s time to send in The Vultures.
Hold up. There’s a level above Green Beret? I kinda just figure if the Green Berets can’t handle it, just bomb it from a safe distance, y’know? But what do I know? The Vultures seem pretty indistinguishable to me – which is true for about 60% of film … and after that, I didn’t really care whether or not I could tell them apart. When they go exploring where the Green Berets bought it, they discover dinosaurs, specifically a pack of Deinonychus.
Pack? There’s gotta be a better collective noun for these velociraptor-like beasts. A slew? A dismemberment? I know, given their propensity for usage in film, a reel of Deinonychus.
Does it matter? It does not. And neither does the genuine plot – the USSR [I can practically hear your eyeballs rolling] were out to make life worse for Americans in SE Asia and accidentally summoned dinosaurs. How does one summon a dinosaur accidentally? I am still asking that question. I do not expect an answer.
And not just any dinosaurs. These are the most aggressive dinosaurs the screen has ever imagined. None of this “evaluating the scene” crap. None of this “plotting and scheming” crap. These
prehistoric bad boys will not be satisfied until they all taste GI lead. It is as disheartening as it is chaotic.
Luckily, the Americans find an ally in Soviet paleontologist Sofia Wagner (Tricia Helfer). Using feminine guile and scientific know-how, she alone can stretch this flimsy plot another thirty minutes or so.
Primitive War is not a good film. It looks cheap. It feels cheap. It could have used a few more re-writes and the dinos are far too aggressive. But it was better than Jurassic World: Rebirth, which is my sad, sad statement for the day.
A group of American GIs
Find Vietnam an exciting surprise
Combatting, it seems
Not men, but extremes
As the Triassic has come in disguise
Not Rated, 133 Minutes
Director: Luke Sparke
Writer: Ethan Pettus, Luke Sparke
Genre: Oh look, more dinosaurs
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How badly do you want dinosaurs in your life?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Scientists
