Among the weirder things to happen to film this year is Smurfs, a film that tried. I’m not exactly sure what it tried. I am simply sure that it did try. And let this awful film serve as a valuable lesson that effort alone does not necessarily lead to success.
I already hated the Smurfs.
I don’t need to hate them more. For the uninitiated, here is my impression of the Smurfs: a bunch of interchangeable blue turds so unimaginative that they named every Smurf by his most prominent feature. There’s only one female Smurf, the intriguingly named: “Smurfette.” (Gee, how are you ever going to remember that?) She is distinguishable by blonde hair and a dress. All the other Smurfs are bald and wear white pajama bottoms with a bastardized white toque. That is except for Papa Smurf, who wears the same outfit in red. The Smurfs are constantly terrorized by an evil wizard named Gargamel. Gargamel created Smurfette, which leads to some weird existential questions that (far as I can tell) no Smurf writer has ever explored. The Smurfs often substitute the word “Smurf” for random nouns and verbs. When watching this smurf, it’s funnier if you think of curse words every time you smurf the word “Smurf.”
Ok, you got that?
Now forget it all.
In Smurfs, there are two (2) evil wizards. Gargamel has a brother, Razumel, who is apparently better at being evil. Good Lord, why would we care?!
Oh, btw, the wizard group (Yeah, there’s more. Don’t make me explain. I can’t.) want to rule with evil by getting rid of all the good in the universe. To me, that sounds exactly like MAGA.
Not to be outdone, Papa Smurf, the patriarch of the Smurf kingdom, has two (2) brothers?!
I’m sorry, whaaaaaaa….?
OK, so this film revolves around the collection a magic book. This particular MacGuffin can make the difference between good and evil in the universe because of course it can. And the Smurfs are the only ones capable of thwarting the plans of the evil wizard council because they have the book.
Did you guys consider throwing the book into the Mountain of Doom?
Meanwhile in Smurfland, there’s a new Smurf, and he doesn’t have a name cuz nobody bothered calling him “Shiny Smurf” or “Douch-y Smurf” or “Obsequious Smurf” or whatever the Hell adjective somebody should have labeled him. While exploring his own existential dilemma, Papa Smurf gets sucked into a void and instead of telling the clueless blockheaded Smurfs what to do, he says there’s a clue in a phonograph record. I’m baffled as to why Papa needed to be that vague. When the record is played, it drones, “Paul is dead.”
Just kidding, when the record is played, it sucks a bunch of animated Smurfs to real life Paris.
I’d tell you the rest, but at this point, my brain up and turned itself off. This is stupid and just getting stupider. I didn’t even mention the Snooterpoots. Wait. Here: Snooterpoots. Now, I did. Clearly the Smurf brain trust thought what this franchise needed was more plot. Oh, and better singing. These 
little cow patties have been getting their animated asses handed to them by the Trolls. They solved this problem by voicing Smurfette with Rihanna.
Fantastic. Now Smurfette can sing. That’s going to make a difference, is it? I suppose it can’t hurt.
There is a ridiculous amount of talent in this casting. Besides Rihanna, there is James Corden. John Goodman, Nick Offerman, Kurt Russell, Jimmy Kimmel (in case you cast needs more beefy white guys, look no further); there is also Sandra Oh, Octavia Spencer, Hannah Waddingham, Amy Sedaris, Natasha Lyonne. I’m leaving more names I recognize; I simply wanted to stop with the hyperlinks.
This movie is a headache in cartoon form. I don’t understand it. I don’t want to understand it. And I don’t think you do, either. This isn’t the worst thing I’ve seen this year. Not by a long shot. And I can’t help thinking whoever put this together tried. They failed, but they tried. There are better films than this. There are better films for children than this. Please don’t bother.
There once was a race of blue elves
Who liked to keep all to themselves
That works fine for me
Cuz I’m the height of ennui
Every.single.time this obligation delves
Rated PG, 89 Minutes
Director: Chris Miller
Writer: Pam Brady, Peyo (Geez, man, when you write a film this bad, you don’t get to hide behind an alias)
Genre: Rewriting stupid to make it stupider
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: WOW, you really gotta LOVE the Smurfs
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with an ounce of skepticism
