Heavy is the crown supported by the maid of honor … until that crown is transferred to the woman who actually shows up, that is. Poor Sam (Rebel Wilson) … being a secret agent means sacrifice. Sometimes it means dissing your trusted friends, and sometimes it means beating up your own agents (?!) to capture bio-weapons.
Betsy (Anna Camp) is getting married at her lush family estate in Florida. Naturally, Sam (Wilson) arranges for a Paris bachelorette party because some movies don’t really understand that many people have normal incomes. Oh, but the bride and other bridesmaids do not know that Sam has secretly arranged Paris as the event base to intercept a stolen bio-weapon. Because as we all know, secret agents always have to arrange their events in coordination with their own personal schedules. That’s why James Bond scheduled his niece’s Bat Mitzvah on Skylab while Moonraker was going on.
When Sam’s dedication to world safety sets off “FLAKE!” warning lights for the bridal party, Betsy disowns her and makes Virginia (Anna Chlumsky) the maid of honor instead. I’m pretty sure this was entirely so I could say, “HOLY SHIT! IT’S ANNA CHLUMSKY!” The last time I heard that name was during the first Bush presidency. Gee, whatever happened to her?
Well, you can’t keep a good bridesmaid down, so Sam goes to Savannah for the wedding anyway, invitation or no. Luckily for everybody involved, terrorists decide now is an excellent time to raid the bride’s family vault … something about vault keys tied to family rings. You guys couldn’t wait for a family reunion or Thanksgiving or something with fewer witnesses?! I mean, if the object was to rob the vault and escape unnoticed, you might want to do that when there’s not a huge family wedding. Jus’ sayin’.
Meanwhile, Sam -or, more accurately, Sam’s stunt double- is kicking ass. This is one of those
films in which it is super easy to point out: “Rebel Wilson-stunt double-Rebel Wilson-stunt double … etc.” because of the sheer volume of time Sam spends in hand-to-hand combat and how absurdly obvious it is that Rebel Wilson is NOT doing her own stunts.
And then there were stunts that nobody could do or would do IRL, but the film kept them in anyway, like the time in which a hovercraft of bad guys and loot is escaping, and the only weapon the good guys have is a Civil War era cannon. Can you use a Civil War era cannon with Civil war era ammunition that hasn’t been employed since the Civil War to bring down a moving hovercraft? No. That is impossible on several physical levels. Trained Rebels in 1863 couldn’t even do that. Aw, but let them have their fun. I mean, Rebel Wilson kicking booty -or somebody dressed to look like Rebel Wilson kicking booty- in a bridesmaid gown? Even if you don’t like it, on some level ya gotta love it.
Bride Hard is a bad film. The premise is stupid; the humor is weak; the action is impossible; and Rebel Wilson is possibly the least convincing secret agent anyone has ever seen on film. And yet, this is the most fun I’ve had at a 1.5 star film all year. I don’t want to call this film good or encourage it in any way, but it does have a large stockpile of camp value. That won’t be enough for most people, but I’m good with it.
There once was an agent named Sam
Who put herself in an awfully large jam
Schedule double booked
Her solution, half-cooked:
Support the bride while thwarting terror, goddamn!
Rated R, 105 Minutes
Director: Simon West
Writer: Shaina Steinberg, Cece Pleasants
Genre: Things that didn’t happen
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: You have to go nine levels into suspension of disbelief. It has to be like an Inception of disbelief
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People with taste
