I’m trying to remember the last time an animated hero killed a guy and then sang about it. Hmmm … Ariel? Well, she certainly sang about her life a bunch, but I don’t remember her killing anybody. Hercules killed some monsters, but I don’t think he actually killed humans. How about Mulan! Mulan clearly killed people, but mostly after she sang about her sorry-ass life. I’m thinking Woody and Buzz killed some folks and then sang about it in Toy Story 2: Nothing This Evil Ever Dies.
Ok, I kid cuz we’re back in the Old Testament, where everything is suddenly acceptable. The OT is where slavery was acceptable and eyes were for eyes. Am I exaggerating? Today’s hero, David, the eventual king of the Israelites, killed Goliath -a large, but certainly human man- in a fair fight, and didn’t even sing that much afterwards. Clearly, I’ve misread this situation. I mean, boys will be boys, amIright?
David (voices of Brandon Engman and Phil Wickham) was a shepherd boy of noble heart living at a time and place in which nobody was white but tell that to the animators. They tried. They really, really tried. After protecting his flock from a lion and then singing about it, David gets called into a -for lack of a better word- conference in which Prophet Samuel fingers him as the next king of their tribe. [If this is how kings are decided, are they really the king? Never mind.] TBH, this particular fingering is better than most of the fingering that has gone on among Christian leaders in our era.
Naturally, David responds to this by playing a showtune for King Saul … and then taking on the mighty Goliath, champion of the Philistines, sight unseen. But David ain’t worried about facing the nine-foot-tall warrior. God is on his side. And so is Angel Studios, who have decided that we just don’t get enough Christ in our lives.
We’re here for the David v. Goliath showdown. It takes about five seconds. Yup. There’s your film. David sings a song later that afternoon, cuz what heart isn’t lifted when you kill a guy? And then the rest of the film is David growing up into the kind of leader who will never again sling a stone – which is a bit of mixed message, but, hey, Old Testament.
You know what’s the funniest thing about all this? Christians LOVE to see themselves in David – the boy who slew the mighty Goliath. And, yet, American Christians and the people who made this film have a great deal more in common with Goliath. You’re bullies. You’re attracted to bullies. You like the situations where an opponent can be crushed underfoot. You pretend you like the underdog, but when given a chance to support Trump, deport minorities, or discriminate against non-Christians, you choose the wrong
thing pretty much every.single.time. I have now had enough Christian propaganda to last several lifetimes, and it has all arrived in the past ten years.
You know what — let me give you an example: Goliath is the Catholic Church allowing its clergy to sexually abuse children, quietly covering it up, never addressing the actual problem, and fighting to make sure nobody finds out about it. David is the parishioners who suffered at the hands of that clergy and were silenced. Do you understand now? Am I saying the makers of this film enabled sexual abuse by Catholic clergy? No. But after that scandal and the fact that assholes like you paraded Trump into office like he was Jesus Christ reincarnate, you’d think you be a little more modest. As you are clearly incapable of such, I owe it to myself to trash every Angel Studios film I have been subjected to.
Even if I didn’t necessarily mind a film that doubles as yet another tool for Christian propagandists, David is deathly dull after Act I. I find myself mildly happy that film didn’t make him blond-haired with blue eyes. Thanks for the weak concession, David film-making historians.
“My child loved it!”
No, your child did not love David. I was there. Your child was bored. And can you blame them? What’s to relate to in 2025? Children don’t wear bedsheets and sandals. They don’t tend flocks, and slingshots went out the door with Dennis the Menace.
No, YOU loved it, you ultra-Christian jerk. And you brought your kids along because Angel Studios promised it was an animated musical just like Disney makes. Even your average five-year-old boy into slinging rocks at ogres is probably not going to go for the passive resistance denouement cloaked in faith. Cuz you know what little boys love more than throwin’ rocks? Killin’ a guy and then expressing passive resistance. Oh, oh, and invoke “God” some more. Kids LOVE that!
The future Israelite king
Played a lyre, cuz that’s his thing
When called to the test
He violented best
With a Biblical rock ‘n’ roll fling
Rated PG, 109 Minutes
Director: Phil Cunningham, Brent Dawes
Writer: Brent Dawes, Kyle Portbury, Sam Wilson
Genre: The Bible for kids!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Ultra-Christian adults
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Bored children
