Five Nights at Freddy’s begged the question, “What if Chuck E. Cheese were evil?” Wait a sec. That doesn’t exactly narrow it down. Five Nights at Freddy’s begged the more specific question: “What if the animatronic robots at Chuck E. Cheese were to come to life and start killing people?” As existential quesries, go, it’s not exactly, “What is life?” but it makes for a decent horror premise. Well … it makes for a horror premise, at least.
I’m sure this is not the first time I’ve felt like pop culture gave me a miss entirely, but I am baffled as to why we are on a second Five Nights. The first one sure-as-Hell wasn’t very good and I do not remember a giant clamor from its “misunderstood” fans. And yet, here we are: a bad sequel to a bad original.
There is suspension of disbelief and then there is SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF. For Five Nights at Freddy’s 2, you’re gonna need super MAGA powers of disbelieving reality for even the slightest chance of enjoyment. I mean, animatronic band mates coming to life befriending children and killing people? Sure I can believe that. A “Marionette” puppet cross between Jigsaw and Miyazaki that is mystical, magical, and controls the action? Ummm, sure, I guess I can buy that. 1980s technology with a “WiFi” setting? You’re pushing it, but I suppose the inventors were so forward thinking they could have anticipated the technology revolution in order to run an unsuccessful restaurant chain. But a game center that has been shut down since 1982 and hasn’t been vandalized and looted? C’mon. Do you even understand human nature, like, at all?
Oh, and don’t get me started on why there is a still canal for an indoor boat “ride” that has been shut down for over twenty years. Or why the people who accidentally fall into it don’t seem to want to get out. Again, do you understand human nature, like, at all?
C’mon, Jim, What do you expect from people who made movies specifically about several big dumb robots and one smaller dumb robot (Josh Hutcherson). The answer was, “Not much.” And now, it’s, “Less.”
So the backstory here is in 1982, the owner of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria lured a boy to a backroom for evil. this happened in front of a crowded restaurant, full of people, including, presumably, the boy’s parents. A girl saves the boy, but gets stabbed by the cosplaying owner in the process, thus ending the chain of Freddy Fazbear Pizzerias.
Twenty years later, a film crew explores the surprisingly intact original Freddy’s restaurant, boat-ride, electronics, and ghostly entities all still surprisingly untouched and functional. The crew manages to awaken The Marionette, an evil, mind-controlling jack-in-the-box. Murders happen.
Meanwhile, Mike (Hutcherson), a mediocre guy should be happy just to be alive at this point, lives alone with his underage sister, Abby (Piper Rubio). Abby misses the evil animatronic 
robots from their first killing spree and forces Mike to go make another Freddy’s connection.
Well, guess what’s gonna happen. No, go on and guess. It’ll be fun. OK, it won’t be fun-fun, but it will be equally as fun as this film.
I’m just not into slow-moving homicides. Seriously, Freddy Fazbear, could you step up whatever killing spree you’re going on? You’re getting The Same Day Rule. The weird part about all this is there were some legitimate horror aspects in this one. The Marionette is decidedly creepy. And, sure, while I feel like any non-invalid should be able to escape Freddy Fazbear (if that is, indeed, your real name) without issue, but in a tight space, the presence of malevolent robot monsters -no matter how slow-moving or silly-looking- can be menacing. I grant you all that. But I’m still not understanding how you go from four-to-eight dumb robots with all the speed of a sloth in heat “will kill half the town by dawn.” And you completely lose me when “good” robots start fighting “bad” robots.
I’m not sure why anybody thought this particular remake was a good idea or one that needed to be seen. Dudes, there are several classic Miyazaki films worth seeing. They can be scary, too. Start there. Don’t search for Freddy’s until you’ve fully exhausted both them and all the joy the video game has to offer; it’s gotta be better than this.
An evil spirit called The Marionette
When awakened posed a super-serious threat
It possessed all those
Who pondered and chose
Who decided their entertainment wasn’t worth a vet
Rated PG-13, 104 Minutes
Director: Emma Tammi
Writer: Scott Cawthorn
Genre: A lot of suspension, even more disbelief
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Apparently, if you love the video game, this could appeal
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “More slow moving robots. This is super.”
