Oh, to feel seen. Is this what it takes for lesbians? To put the word “Lesbian” right in the title and then bring every sex-related metaphor to life? The bad guys here are -and I’m not kidding- the Straight White Maliens. They look like personified bookmarks. Boring personified bookmarks. But don’t underestimate them; their influence, ruthlessness, and stupidity know no bounds.
So you thought the title was bad? In the first two minutes, there’s a reference to a “Royal Pussy” and -sure enough- there’s a shot of an independent pet vagina roaming the royal halls like a housecat. Yeah, it’s that kind of film. Oh yeah.
Saira (voice of Shabana Azeez) is the spoiled princess and heir to the kingdom [queendom?) of Clitoplis. Yes, Clitopolis. Is it really worse than “Megalopolis? How so? Saira can’t seem to summon the Royal Labrys. And, yes, before you ask, the wordplay in this film is fantastic and whatever sex metaphor you know is brought to (animated) life. There is a literal gay bubble. There are literal magic fingers. Saira has just been dumped by her cool ex-girlfriend, Kiki (Bernie Van Tiel), which is among the reasons the moping young adult has been voted the “most boring royal” in all Clitopolis. Harsh.
No sooner is Kiki free when she gets abducted by the Straight White Maliens, who need Kiki for blackmail purposes. Mostly, however, they want to know why 
their literal huge Swedish chick magnet (“we bought in online”) isn’t working. These guys need lessons in everything, but they will settle for lessons in attracting women; they’re terrible at it. Can Saira put her endless grief and baggage aside to go rescue Kiki away from her literal Safe Gay Space? Even if she doesn’t there are a ton more puns to indulge.
Lesbian Space Princess is my guilty pleasure movie of the year. I acknowledge it doesn’t belong on a best list. I acknowledge it runs out of steam about an hour in. But darn if I didn’t enjoy it for a healthy chunk of time. If you are sick of the patriarchy and the Straight White Maliens that plague your own life, this is the best watch of the year, and probably the best watch since Barbie. Understandably, there are not going to be a lot of people who feel this way, and putting “Lesbian” right in the title isn’t going to get you to coveted audience numbers, but it will acutely reward the selective audience unashamed of finding and indulging.
There once was a space princess named Saira
As gay as a drag queen’s mascara
Her ex ran amiss
Was kidnapped by CIS
She’ll get her back; on that you can swear-a
Not Rated (but, dude, they have a pet vagina), 87 Minutes
Director: Emma Hough Hobbs, Leela Varghese
Writer: Leela Vagfese, Emma Hough Hobbs
Genre: Fun sex stuff
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Lesbians
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: MAGA
