Me entering Silent Hill: “Well, this town is fucked up. I’m leaving.” That probably should have been how I approached the film as well. Yes, Silent Hill is back, fondly reintroducing us to disturbing visuals and costuming straight from Spirit Halloween’s “nobody loves me” collection. What’s new this time around is CGI; the franchise decided to venture beyond standard set design to show us horror so computer-generated the green screen rolled its eyes.
It might have worked if there were a decent actor in the lead role. Actually, it probably wouldn’t have, but selecting from the criteria of “hey, you look like a douchebag” probably wasn’t the best decision casting ever made.
Before I continue, it should be pointed out that 99% of Return to Silent Hill is art design. The film is intended to give you disturbing visuals … and nothing else. You won’t care about the “hero,” his woman, or the quest. You’re here for a lesson in set-design; you’re here for what tetanus looks like out in the open. You’re here for an endless series of unpleasant. You’re here for armless mummy mannequins spraying deadly acid from their intestines. And if you are not, God help you.
Whatever plot there is to be had takes the form of douchey James (Jeremy Irvine) almost killing Mary (Hannah Emily Anderson) with his Mustang. James falls for Hannah immediately, and the film fastforwards past several plot points straight to where James must Return to Silent Hill to save Mary. James actually sees Mary three different times in Silent Hill, but she’s wearing a different wig every time, so, I mean, how could James possibly know it was here? I mean they only lived together. And the town is empty, This is like Jimmy Stewart in Vertigo seeing Kim Novak not in a bustling San Francisco, but in a blank void and still not recognizing her.
Silent Hill itself is the very epitome of “The Freaks Come Out at Night.” Most of them are faceless or hooded. All of them are deadly. The entire town is one condemned
building after another, but CGI rat-roaches chase James into his old apartment building where he fails to find Mary, but does find cheese-grater head. Uh oh, you cheddar get a move on, Jack; this ain’t no brie-ze, he’s like one of the mythological gorgon-zolas. Say, is this film in Colby stereo? Sorry. I’ll stop. Suffice to say, this thing is most dangerous if you’re a curdled milk product. Does James have an expiration date? This might be it.
Return to Silent Hill is what happens when a producer suddenly has a goth phase and a very selective memory. There’s very good reason why Hollywood hasn’t made a Silent Hill film in a decade … because the films were all atmosphere, no story. Maybe you could get away with that in the 3D boom or prior to #MeToo, but in the current atmosphere, faceless models in nurse outfits wielding knives just isn’t quite the wankbait it used to be. The film is bad and I don’t expect to see either lead ever again, even if there is a Return to the Return of Silent Hill.
There once was a cultist named Mary
James thought she was “oh so very”
They split all the same
With no one to blame
But her town made entirely of scary
Rated R, 106 Minutes
Director: Christophe Gans (you lost an “r” there, pal)
Writer: Christophe Gans, Hirouyuki Owaku, William Josef Schneider
Genre: Movies that make you want a tetanus shot
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Amateur set designers
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody with a respect for the written word
