In Italian, Solo Mio means “Only My” or “Only Mine.” This is a deliberate choice by the filmmakers. Instead of going with the Italian for “Only Me,” they chose evil; the film knows it made a mistake … which begs the question … why? I mean, it’s like deliberately titling a film “You’re House or Mine?” Ouch. It pains me to think that, much less write it down. Don’t make me do it again, movie.
Matt Taylor (Kevin James), an unassuming middle-aged American, has come to Italy to wed. We know this one – never start your movie with a wedding; it only goes downhill from there, To the surprise of no filmgoing regular, Matt is jilted at the altar. So whaddaya do? I mean, besides be pissed. You fly all the way to Europe to get married, you better freaking get married. KnowwhatI’msayin’?
Matt decides to enjoy his honeymoon solo. I’m really not hip to the wisdom of this plan. Won’t you just get weepy at all the couples-things you’re doing solo … Solo Mio? I think that’s the point. The idea is to make Matt look like a pathetic lump of a human being, taunted by his new best friends, Julian (Kim Coates) and Neil (Jonathan Roumie), two married men he just met.
Ok, Sad Sack Human, how is this gonna play out? As luck would have it. And “LUCK” is the only word that comes close here, a beautiful middle-aged Italian café owner, Gia (Nicole Grimaudo), takes pity on this human kielbasa. And one would swear she’s really trying to get close to him … why, exactly? Does she want to date a lost puppy? Maybe. What follows is romance by default. That’s the best I can describe this. Matt doesn’t pursue the romance, exactly, but he doesn’t not pursue it, either. Are we bothered that he was so into a different woman just yesterday that he was going to marry her? I guess not. Hence, when the kids don’t leave Matt and his tandem bike alone, Gia hops on the back and they go have an amiable day together.
It’s nice. There’s no reasonable explanation for her behavior, especially in retrospect looking back on what these two knew at this time, but we accept that it is nice and we move on. Are we smiling? Sure, why not?
Somewhere in the middle of the film, travel happens. Matt still isn’t pushing the romance thing (I mean, why would he? He lost his fiancé 72 hours ago), but Gia gets invited on the bus trip and then takes Matt and the other two couples to her family
home in Siena. This is all an excuse for us to meet Gia’s uncle, Andrea Bocelli, who becomes a character. Yes, the real life Andrea Bocelli. And the film makes him lip sync. I know some of you are gonna think, “Andrea Bocelli! How wonderful!” But this is all celebrity-for-the-sake-of-celebrity stuff. I don’t need Bocelli’s acting any more than I need Charli XCX acting. And if you’re just gonna have James and Bocelli lip sync the big duet, well, what’s the point?
I haven’t felt for a Kevin James character since Hitch. That was twenty years ago. In other words, I haven’t enjoyed a Kevin James film in twenty years. I did actually feel for Kevin here, but it feels forced. This entire film feels contrived. We know it from one key moment where Matt is about to confess his love, finally, and points out he hasn’t felt romantic feelings for ages. Really? You were gonna be married this week. You didn’t feel romance for the woman you came to Italy to marry? Yeah, ok. I’m ok with the lost puppy act, but I felt like this particular puppy was wrenched from its litter and deliberately tossed in the street for the purpose of emotional manipulation. I would have been happier with the film if Kevin were on a Solo vacation, meets Gia at her café, they invent a decent reason why she might be into a blobby middle-aged mediocrity, and the romance proceeds from there. I found the manufactured manipulations of the actual story to be a little condescending and, let’s face it, weak. This is “feel good” romance stuff where not much happens and nobody gets hurt.
No sex, no infidelity, no genuine emotion … welcome to the Angel Studios A-List.
There once was a groom named Matt
His Italian wedding up and went splat
Indulging in hoping
Through touristy moping
A local bella donna thought he was all that
Rated PG, 96 Minutes
Director: Charles Kinnane, Daniel Kinnane
Writer: Kevin James, John Kinnane, Patrick Kinnane (That’s a lot of Kinnanes)
Genre: Default romance
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People desperate for Angel Studios to have another winner
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Are you really pushing new romance on a guy immediately after he’s been jilted?”
