Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

The best part of a bankrupt celebrity has to be accessibility. If you caught the right moment in the 80s, you could get Kareem Abdul-Jabbar to mow your lawn for $50. The worst part? Films like Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, a product so broken it can’t even be returned for store credit. Mirthless, worthless, hopeless dreck. This is the kind of film that comes on at 3:30 in the morning when you have insomnia and you immediately change the channel.

Yes, Nicolas Cage “earned” another paycheck here with a phone-in for the ages. I’ve disliked many a Nic Cage film, but I’ve never found a performance of his quite this weak. I sat around wishing he’d turn into Ghost Rider, the flaming skulled leather biker superhero, and when he did, I then wished he’d turn back into Nicolas Cage. This film has the same basic problem as Thor or Green Lantern – the hero is too powerful; human opponents don’t beat immortals. But it lacks the backstory of either character. And Green Lantern had a backstory shallower than a pee-filled kiddie pool.

Describing the plot or motivation in GR2 is a waste of time. You go to a movie like this waiting for a skeleton on fire to whip his “chain” out so other people can yank it. If this appeals to the five-year-old boy in you, there’s at least two (2!) full action scenes here.

Idris Elba showed up here because he needed a paycheck, too. I kinda feel bad for Idris – Nic Cage made his own stupid choices; we haven’t yet gotten the chance to regret making Idris a star. At this rate, we never will.

Ok, there was one nice moment in this film, and here it is so you don’t have to watch it: The Devil (Ciarán Hinds) known as “Roarke” here for unspecified reasons bestows the power of decay on minion Ray (Johnny Whitworth). Shortly afterwards, Ray decides to have lunch. He picks up a sandwich. It rots in his grip, awww. He selects an apple. Again, rot, mold, awww. He picks up a Twinkie. No effect. Enjoys it. Great moment. And there it is, the difference between no stars and 1/2 star. Spend it wisely.

Rated PG-13 , 95 Minutes
D: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
W: Scott M. Gimple, Seth Hoffman and David S. Goyer
Genre: FYNC!
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Zombies, but even then they still prefer the original
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Beavis, of Beavis and Butt-head