It was the summer of Ghostbusters II, The Abyss, and “She Drives Me Crazy” by Fine Young Cannibals. I remember all of them well. Lest you worry that mediocrity had savaged this period in my life, it was also the summer of Do the Right Thing and Field of Dreams; the latter enhanced by the fact that I saw it in Boston, where it –in part- took place. On weekdays, I worked an interior stockroom in powerful law firm. On nights and weekends, I worked the counter at West Coast Video. I never got around to seeing one of our best rentals that season, The Serpent and the Rainbow. Well, never until this week.
I was right to put it off.
Delving the depths of Haitian folk religion, The Serpent and the Rainbow tells the “biographical” story of a doctor (Bill Pullman) who travels to Western Hispaniola to collect white powder that makes you transcend reality, man. I don’t need to tell you what usually happens to Americans in movies who travel south for mind-altering white powder, do I? Dr. Dennis Alan (Pullman) doesn’t even want to go … well, that’s a red flag, huh? So … he goes anyway (?) This already doesn’t make sense.
Traveling with a wad of cash and a probable death wish, Dr. Denny has the objective of finding a guy who died so much that he got buried, and yet still walks around graveyards talking about it, like old-timer’s-day at the morgue. (Cue up “Glory Days”) I think the objective here is 1) find the guy 2) confirm he’s alive and 3) confirm he died … not just accept it; I sure that would go over well with the kind of conspiracy nut who voted for Trump, but those of us who believe in science need a little extra proof … like any at all. Then Sir Denis has to track down the jerk who gave zombie powder to the dude in the first place; the ultimate goal is to get zombie powder back to the states where it can be analyzed, manipulated, and sold as medical-breakthrough anesthetic. Did you get all that? Good, cuz none of it will help you understand The Serpent and the Rainbow.
Somewhere along the line, Dr. Dennymento collects a friend (Cathy Tyson) and an enemy (Zakes Mokae). I have no idea why either of these people is interested in him. None. He doesn’t seem to be doing anything illegal, underhanded, or even nefarious. Were he actually trying to score cocaine, then you have a plot. As is, the local goodwoman and magistrate have attached themselves for, pretty much, no reason. I’m guessing it’s all so the film can depict Haiti as a place where you can really have a bad trip, but who knows?
Ah, I can see this is from the era when we were guessing whether or not Bill Pullman was going to become a leading man. Short answer: no. Even in pre-squishy mode, Bill is a tough sell as a charismatic everyman; but he did go on to have a decent career, especially for a guy so easily confused with other actors. I guess it was a more innocent time. After all, this film dates back to a year before we even realized steroids was a thing. Well, here’s a film about zombie steroids and it’s about as coherent as the MLB’s take on the subject.
The Serpent and the Rainbow commits the cardinal sin of horror movies: it isn’t scary. The Pullman character has some vivid nightmares, but we brush them off as 
exactly that: nightmares. The only time the character is ever in trouble is when in the company of the decidedly non-zombie human Dargent Peytraud (Mokae), which never made sense to me because I don’t know why the local magistrate wants to harass Dr. Denny, nor why Dr. Denny keeps showing up to be harassed. The material in this film is all sensationalistic garbage. This isn’t voodoo. This isn’t religion. And despite “based on a true story,” there are no zombies, just gullible masses being exploited by movie producers. This just ain’t the film that brings all the undead to your yard.
Working in a video store, we saw endless trailers for the films we loaned to the public. The tagline in The Serpent and the Rainbow comes from a clip I would see a dozen times or so over the course of a workday. In it, an ashen Bill Pullman desperately appeals from a shallow grave, “DON’T BURY ME. I’M NOT DEAD!” My friend Jane and I thought his exclamation far more appealing if enhanced Monty Python style. In turn, we’d repeat to one another in our best John Cleese impressions: “And now for something completely different …don’t bury me, I’m.Not.Dead.” Then we’d giggle ourselves silly. What I have just repeated to you is ten times more imaginative and attention-worthy than anything in The Serpent and the Rainbow – and that includes the sex scene between Pullman and Cathy Tyson. This is a bad film, even by Wes Craven standards. And I can tell you without blinking that the only reason I sought it out this week is my daughter is taking a Caribbean Studies course at college and wanted an exploitive and inaccurate cinematic portrayal of Haiti for a term paper. Mission accomplished.
This Bill Pullman you have seen
And mistaken for Michael Biehn
Oft when he acts, son
He’ll be called “Bill Paxton”
And on occasion, even “Charlie Sheen”
Rated R, 98 Minutes
Director: Wes Craven
Writer: Richard Maxwell and Adam Rodman
Genre: Scary?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I’m hoping the person upon whom this is based, because I can’t really imagine anybody else
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Voodoo practitioners, doctors, zombies, take your pick
