Tough love beyond the grave. Does it get any more dickish than that? What kind of monster are you? Seriously. It’s one thing to give a child advice or a poem or a memory with the last words you’ll ever say to them … but to fire them, then give them homework and an ultimatum? I can but conclude you don’t and didn’t actually love your child.
Tough love isn’t love. You must know that by now. Practicing it beyond the grave is cruel.
Alex (Sofia Carson) works for her mom, who owns a small cosmetics operation. Mom (Connie Britton) is dying of cancer and it is assumed that Alex will take the CEO position in the company when cancer finally wins this battle. Well … mom had other ideas. You see, in her copious free time while battling cancer, mom took a good, hard look at her most wayward child and found her lacking. So in mom’s will, she fires Alex, gives the job to a sister-in-law, and forces Alex to clean up her act. And what will be the tool of her focus? I’m so glad you asked – it’s The Life List, a bucket list of things Alex wanted to do when she was 13.
Yes, Thirteen.
God help me if I’m judged by the things I did when I was thirteen. At that time, there were five James Bond films in my top 100 movies of all time.
Nevertheless, mom has deliberately withheld Alex’s inheritance if she doesn’t complete the list within one year. The list includes falling in love, which should alarm Alex’s current beau, but it doesn’t; he’s a doof.
The best part of this movie, actually, is a different list, one that qualifies a true love (rewritten in universal terms): 1) You must be willing to open your heart to them. 2) They 
must be kind. 3) They must inspire your best self. 4) You must be able to imagine having children with them.
Obviously, this film is a romance; that’s where we are going, but first there’s a bucket list of crap including stand-up comedy, teaching, and playing one-on-one against a New York Knick. I’m pretty sure the actual list was made after the film figured out the cast could include Patrick Ewing.
I liked the love list better than The Life List, and I was horrified by the idea that a parent could and would bully you beyond the grave. No matter how well intentioned, that fast-tracks you to Hell even more rapidly than the random actions of a 13-year-old boy, imho. So, I cannot recommend The Life List. But it did keep my attention.
There once was a woman quite keen
To make a minimal amount of scene
But as mom decomposed
Our subject got hosed
And now she’s forced to the agenda of a teen
Rated PG-13, 123 Minutes
Director: Adam Brooks
Writer: Adam Brooks, Lori Nelson Spielman
Genre: Asshole parenting (beyond the grave)
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Potential and consistent asshole parents
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Kids who find no joy, even after-the-fact, in “tough love”
