Speaking of things that should be extinct, the Jurassic Universe franchise ought to have ended several films ago. The producers of all things prehistoric and mediocre decided there was at least one more cash-brachiosaur to milk and came up with yet another tired and fun-challenged addition to the pile of triceratops dung that is Jurassic [noun representing large space].
Ten years ago, the franchise added Chris Pratt so that maybe some Avenging could happen. In 2025, Black Widow made her Jurassic debut and while Scarlett Johansson certainly should have been exactly what this extinct franchise needed, she wasn’t, a move that makes this whole thing seem all the more like it should be dead and buried.
*sigh* Let’s get this over with.
In some sort of alternative universe Earth, dinosaurs still run free, but only at the equator. While there, the dinosaurs all actively burn fossil fuels to speed up climate change, giving them greater territory for the roamin’. Seriously, for whatever reason, dangerous beasts roam the equator upending fishing boats and ripping apart the humans who dare venture into their territory. Is this world without Donald Trump? I’m ok with the dinosaur-eating-human world if it doesn’t have Trump. A whole swarm of giant monsters can’t come close to vast numbers of people Trump killed with COVID misinformation.
A pharmaceutical company — oh, you just know a monster movie is good when the words “pharmaceutical company” show up in the first sentence of the plot – has hired a team of human hors d’oeuvres to capture bio samples from the three largest dinosaur species on the planet; these beasts can all be found, quite conveniently, in one place – a McDonald’s Happy Meal.
Hold on – if you didn’t have dino DNA (a.k.a. “bio sample”) from these three, how did you make the dinosaurs in the 
first place? Never question an idiot premise. The key to this entire franchise is that the dinosaurs are always bigger and more menacing than the ones in the previous film. Somebody should have told that to Titanosaurus, because when our “heroes” finally find these land beasts, they’re practically having an island key party.
The uninspired screenplay assigns the role of “protector” to ex-military operative Zora Bennett (ScarJo). Can she battle her way through monsters and anonymity? How about her boss, Duncan (Mahershala Ali)? I suppose these guys can’t get eaten too soon; we know who they are.
Jurassic World: Rebirth is tired and weak. The entire Jurassic franchise is tired and weak. Once upon a time, I cared about dinosaurs. Now? It’s hard to care about anything that goes on in any of these CGI wankfests. I wasn’t quite at the point of rooting for deaths in Jurassic World: Rebirth, but I wasn’t far from it. Until the franchise can figure out how to make me care about any character in these films, I really don’t need another.
Once upon a time, there was a fabulous plan
Movie audience, you’ll be a dinosaur fan
But the Spielbergian spark
Got snuffed in the dark
Now it’s just hours of: “eat me if you can”
Rated PG-13, 133 Minutes
Director: Gareth Edwards
Writer: David Koepp, Michael Crichton
Genre: Things that go “bump” in the theater
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dinosaurs?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Desperate Jurassic fans
