Sure, it’s fun to give a skinhead anarchist a surprise face grenade. I mean, who doesn’t find that fun? But watching Dave Bautista once again violently negotiate the post-apocalypse world, I can’t help thinking, “Haven’t we already done this?”
We have.
The previous was called In the Lost Lands. I dunno what the next one will be called.
We are six years removed from the solar flair that “destroyed the world.” The world doesn’t seem so much destroyed as trashed. Not sure who is growing the crops and livestock that keep the roaming gangs of warlords and cannibals well fed, but somebody is … unless the cannibals are really, really good at refrigeration, that is.
Jake (Bautista) is a “treasure hunter.” He tracks down crap that shouldn’t have any worth in a post-apocalypse world for people who also shouldn’t have any worth in a post-apocalypse world. In the opening, he acquires a rare Stradivarius and then has to fight his way out of a room teeming with cold sores in human form. Was the violin worth the violence? I suppose it depends who is asking. But as money is worth nothing in this world, I am 
curious as to what gets the “treasure hunter” to move.
Eventually Samuel L. Jackson shows up sporting such a confusing rasp that I thought he must have a cold or lost his voice or something. “Something” is apparently the answer to yet another question this film asked and failed to answer. King August (Jackson) is a power broker and wants Jake to go to (formerly) France to track down the Mona Lisa. This task seems both impossible and not worth it … but only because it is on both counts.
Mainland Europe is run by fascist warlords and Jake will have to take on at least one them before he’s done. Oh, don’t worry; he’s got Olga Kurylenko on his side.
Afterburn is better than In the Lost lands, but that’s a pretty low bar to clear. The fight scenes showed some creativity … as did the quest – although you’ll never guess how the quest goes, and I GUARANTEE you’ll be disappointed when you discover the truth here. Mostly, however, I just cannot get over how redundant this film feels. I suppose if you’re Dave Batista it’s not like you’ll be playing MacBeth or Willy Loman any time soon, but still, Afterburn is a shockingly prescient title for all of us who feel burned after watching it. And that’s going to describe roughly 90% of viewers.
There once was a treasure hunter, Jake
Who collected his prizes with a wake
This dystopian blob
Was quite good at his job
None of that answers “Why?” For fuck sake
Rated R, 105 Minutes
Director: J.J. Perry
Writer: Nimród Antal, Scott Chitwood, Paul Ens. Matt Johnson
Genre: Dave Bautista warriors the post-apocalypse, again
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dave Bautista’s mother
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People tired of dystopia
