Television is television and movies are movies and although the line between the two has blurred considerably over the past decade, some moments, some screenplays, are still so obviously intended for small screens that putting them on the big screen is embarrassing … for us all. Case in point: Downton Abbey (screenwriter Julian Fellowes).
Once upon a time, “Downton Abbey” was A BIG DEAL. Erudite Anglophiles (my favorite 90s punk band) from all walks of life hung on the balance of the happenings of a decidedly snooty rural English estate in the between-the-wars period. It was a hit week after week after week.
And then it got too big for PBS.
While the interest remained, the profit margin wasn’t good enough for its creators. So they scuttled the TV format and returned cast, crew, and story exclusively for the big screen every few years. The problem? Big screen audience, small screen vision.
The latest iteration of Downton Abbey implies a Grand Finale; it’s right there in the title. I’m sure title alone has led to the bloated imdb rating. I couldn’t find this film any smaller if I were watching it through a microscope. The big controversy in this two hours of nothing is that Lady Mary (Michelle Dockery) is now divorced, and, hence, is disinvited from all the royal reindeer games. *GASP*
Counterpoint: Who cares?
Seriously, who cares? Do you care? Really? I sure as HELL don’t. We’re talking about a world in which there is already a caste system everybody accepts without question. Also, it’s 1930 England. We are just six years away from the abdication of Edward VIII for his allegiance to *GASP* a divorced woman. So, Lady Mary, what exactly do you lose by not getting royal approval here? Your title? No. Your estate? No. Lord Grantham (Hugh Bonneville) retires by the end of the film, leaving Downton Abbey to Mary. No, I don’t fucking care if I spoiled that. If that’s a big deal, find a film with genuine controversy. Your family? No. Your friends? Well, not the real ones. I’d say the royals just did you favor. All you really lose is the empty pleasantries from the townspeople who resent you.
Again, what have you actually lost? This is NOT a Jane Austen situation. She isn’t losing title, wealth, or home. And I cannot reiterate enough this is the biggest storyline in Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale.
Other storylines include: Some controversy about money, easily ignored by the fact that nobody in the film seems to be living any worse than they were before. Then, there are the
retiring of the Head Butler (Jim Carter) and cook (Lesley Nicol); wow, so this film is like a cheap office party without cake. Super. Finally, there is the addition of Noël Coward (Arty Froushan) to the star-struck members of this mock-aristocracy. Considering Downton hosted the King and Queen of England not so long ago, I can’t help thinking “so what” on this score as well.
I’ve had problems in the past with Downton Abbey’s steadfast refusal to innovate any existing character. Whenever a film happens, outsiders are needed for villainy, exposition, or dynamism of any kind. It’s as if there is a grand conspiracy to make sure our feelings about the set players never change. Well, hey, why should they? That’s what we want!
Well, it’s not what I want. And given how docile this film is, I should have just taken a nap. I’d have missed three snide guffaws and the reason we won’t see two characters the next time this happens – if they actually go, that is- no guarantee there.
I think I was too generous with a star-and-a-half.
There was once an Abbey named Downton
With intrigue that flowed like a fountain
Producers wanted more
So they rationed the store
And episodic molehills were treated as mountain
Rated PG, 123 Minutes
Director: Simon Curtis
Writer: Julian Fellowes
Genre: Small screen
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: How desperate are you for more Downton Abbey?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Me
