Daniel Day-Lewis is on my shit list. As of the end of Anemone, he was #1 with a bullet. I’m still pissed off about Phantom Thread … we all pretended we liked the film just because you said you were going to retire. And now, apparently, you lied.
I understand you made Anemone to help out your son, writer/director Ronan Day-Lewis.
I don’t care. Bad film is bad film. And since we already gave you a pass on your last shitty film, now we feel burned to boot. It would seem that some of us only retire when it’s conveeeeeeeeenient. And if I’m being honest, you were already the most boring A-Lister around, both on and off the screen. Right now, you strike me as the Hall-of-Fame pitcher who comes out of retirement only to realize that any active Punch-n-Judy middle infielder can take him deep. Your failure to retire is embarrassing us all.
The two hours of dread I just watched is Anemone, an acting workshop in film form. And when I say “acting workshop,” I ain’t talkin’ Shakespeare – well, that is unless Billy Bard had a full soliloquy devoted to taking a dump on the head of a pedophilic clergyman.
Oh, but that was the good stuff.
Twenty years ago, Ray (Daniel Day-Lewis) left his pregnant wife and children. He never returned. Present day, Jem (Sean Bean) has traveled the back of beyond to find his lost brother. Their re-meet is anything but cute. It includes several painful moments of non-dialog. In fact, no words are spoken in the first ten minutes of film. As Ray lives in a thrid-rates shack in the middle of the woods, I really could have used some decent conversation to detract from the cinematography.
Huh, maybe Sean Bean will die. He always dies in films, right? Rats. I might be waiting a while.
Ray is reluctant to return. The film is reluctant to do anything. So instead, there are meaningful glances and rustic digs. Ninety minutes in, I still didn’t know why Ray left 
his family … which is fine because I stopped caring an hour earlier. If you’ve been gone for twenty years with neither explanation nor contact, does it matter what the reason was? I’m thinking no.
Look, doing your kid a favor and jump-starting their film career is an honorable parental move. But -and here’s the tricky part- it crossed into my territory. And I paid a healthy sum for this crappy exposition. So I no longer care if you’re giving your son a leg up or curing cancer; if it doesn’t entertain me on the screen, don’t show it to me. There are other ways of doing these things. And it is quite clear that Anemone only got to me because of the name “Daniel Day-Lewis.” It should have stayed in film class where it belongs.
There once was a star, Daniel Day
Whose importance held great sway
Li’l Dan had a notion
To make his own picture, motion
DD’s blood will make an audience pay
Rated R, 121 Minutes
Director: Ronan Day-Lewis (Gosh. What a coincidence; he has the same last name as … his father)
Writer: Daniel Day-Lewis, Ronan Day-Lewis
Genre: Plays in film form … boring plays in film form
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Is your surname “Day-Lewis?”
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “You came out of retirement for THIS?!”
