You know, Osgood Perkins, you don’t have to make films that are creepier than they are comprehensible. You know that, right? I mean, sure, if you go to a horror, you might just see severed fingers in a cake. You might even see a normal person chow down on that same cake knowing there are severed fingers in it. But, and just hear me out here, have you ever thought about explaining why there might be severed fingers in the cake? Asking for a friend.
Dr. Malcolm Westbridge (Rossif Sutherland) and Liz (Tatiana Maslany) have been going out together for a year. It’s time to take that key next step in the relationship: a creepy weekend away. Geez, we’ve had more trouble with isolated woodsy houses this year than any other in recent memory, huh? Well, I suppose this one isn’t isolated exactly. Across the creek that runs next to the house, there’s another upscale woodsy home. It’s owned by Darren (Birkett Turton), Malcolm’s sleazy cousin. He’s the kind of jerk who would crash a couples’ getaway … which he does. And he brings with him Minka, a Russian supermodel he clearly won by unlayering a set of matryoshka dolls.
At this point, nothing seems amiss. Yeah, the opening suggested some historical horror in the form of random screaming women throughout the ages, but when has the opening of a horror film effectively conveyed horror, anyway? The dinner was nice; even though it was interrupted by Darren and Minka …and non-English speaking Minka managed to convey “tastes like shit” about the cake Malcolm has just trotted out. The torte is like eight layers of chocolate. Liz doesn’t like chocolate. Malcolm insists, while not having some of his own. Well there’s a big fat red flag, huh?
Some really strange dreams later, the chocolate hater goes down to the 
kitchen, tears apart the remainder of the cake, sees the fingers, and eats up the rest by hand anyway?! Movie, you plan on explaining any of this? No. You sure, cuz I could use some exposition about now? No, you’re good? Ok.
And then the weird stuff takes a back seat to truly weird stuff. By the time granny bag-head makes the screen, we’re in for real horror.
I’ll give you that the film is creepy and unsettling. I really wish that were enough to make me love a horror film. It isn’t. Keeper reminded me a great deal of Gretel & Hansel for its love of weird crones and awful food. There’s a time to leave and a TIME TO LEAVE, and Tatiana Maslany (wasted on this material, I think) waits a moment too long to get to the latter. Shame, because it seems like a nice house for a couples’ retreat. Osgood Perkins is an acquired taste that I have yet to acquire. Maybe next film.
There was once a gal partner named Liz
Still comfortable with being a “Ms”
Justified, on retreat
After being forced to eat
A dessert that’s less cake than quiz
Rated R, 99 Minutes
Director: Osgood Perkins
Writer: Nick Lepard
Genre: “You can let me off here”
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Horror junkies
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People creeped out by “the creeps”
