How would you like to see Kevin James do the Michael Madsen “Stuck in the Middle” dance from Reservoir Dogs? How about when I add the fact that he fully intends to torture a tied-up man with a straight razor? How about if I throw in the part that the unfortunate victim came to Kevin’s motel room for sex whilew earing a Peter Pan costume? There is just nothing good about any of that, is there?
Welcome to Playdate, a strong candidate for worst film of the year. This action comedy is about as funny as an Amber Alert, which coincidentally, the film has and asks us to be sympathetic for the men whom the alert is bringing attention to.
Let me explain. Brian (James) has been fired from his corporate job, which honestly seems like a good idea. The place is full of Don, Jrs who would happily sell their mothers for a pound of coke. The problem is that makes Emily (Sarah Chalke) the breadwinner of the fam, leaving Brian to tend to son Lucas (Benjamin Pajak), who apparently can neither feed nor entertain himself. Taking Lucas to the park, Brian finds two odd groups, a mom mafia which acts as sort of a violent book club, and fellow “dad” Jeff (Alan Ritchson) playing with his own kid, CJ (Banks Pierce).
Funny thing, CJ is NOT Jeff’s kid, an issue which first comes up when both dads and boys have a Playdate at whatever composes the Amazon equivalent of Chuck E. Cheese. In fact, neither Jeff nor CJ have a reasonable explanation as to why CJ is attached to Jeff – and while the film will eventually explain this, it will not do so adequately. Pulling Brian into Jeff’s idiocy, Brian is immediately put on Amber watch. And while in the parking lot, terrorists start shooting bullets at both men – again, this is explained, eventually, by the film, but not to my satisfaction. Nor is it ever explained at any time why Brian didn’t say, “I do not want to be on the Amber List; I do not wish to be shot at; this is your problem, I’m out of here.” Oh he says these things once or twice, but I’m nit sure why the film doesn’t give him a break.
At no time during the child abduction stage nor the terrorist stage, did the film ever resent a reason why either authorities or terrorists should be looking for Brian. Hence, his willingness to go along with Jeff is absurd. Meanwhile, the film offered, “Hey, we’re Amber bros” as a joke. This might well have been the funniest joke in the film. And if you can make it to the part where Alan Ritchson recklessly drives through a school zone, well, congratulations. I didn’t make it that far first time around.
Far as I can tell, Kevin James hasn’t had a winner since I began the FrogBlog (2011), so you get what you get while taking that dog for a walk; I speak instead to those who see an up-and-comer in Alan Ritchson. The Schwarzenegger-ly chiseled Ritchson has made a name for himself
by embodying more closely Lee Child’s fictional hero Jack Reacher. (That is to say more closely than Tom Cruise … truth is, I’m probably closer to resembling Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise.) I don’t blame Ritchson for wanting to cash in, but somebody needs to tell him that proximity to Kevin James hasn’t helped a career since 2005. And this material is terrible. Somebody’s agent needed to find a better use of Ritchson’s pectoral muscles.
In a world where Pauly Shore and Vin Diesel still exist, I wouldn’t call Playdate the most immature film ever made … but I would call it the most immature film I’ve seen this year. I’m giving it half a star for not being evil. I mean, it’s not promoting Trump-ism or gun rights or pretending Christians are going extinct. Playdate simply doesn’t have enough of a POV to make any of those ideas fly. But this is a terrible film any way you look at it and it will certainly be among the Bottom 10 when the FrogBlog assesses 2025.
There once was a dad named Bri
Who got fired without having to try
Now with a new role
He’s in quite a hole
And neither he nor any of us knows why
Rated PG-13, 93 Minutes
Director: Luke Greenfield
Writer: Neil Goldman
Genre: Why am I watching this?!
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: I’m honestly not sure
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone watching the film
