Between 1519 and 1522, Ferdinand Magellan and crew circumnavigated the globe. (SPOILER: The crew finished; Magellan did not.) Three full years of travel. I’m pretty sure this picture lasted longer than that.
Today, joining the “nothing on the cutting room floor” club is Magellan, a film in which you will struggle to decide “Is this more boring or terrible?” I honestly couldn’t tell. It certainly was both. The key takeaway from the near three-hours of film was that much of the 16th Century was clothing-optional, unless, of course, you were Portuguese. But that doesn’t really describe the film. What Magellan was really about was 160 minutes of establishing shots.
Oh, and writer/director Lav Diaz had to establish the Hell out of everything. In the mind of Lav, no shot could linger too long, and there was never a need for a soundtrack of any kind. This film was like watching three hours of a web cam.
The horrible part is I really want to know more about Ferdinand Magellan – Why did he want to go around the world? Why did he think he could? What did he think it would accomplish? What was he hoping to find? Why was he killed before he made it back home?
Correction: I wanted to know these things. But after watching Magellan -which answered none of these questions adequately, btw- I no longer cared. Ferdinand Magellan became just another test question, just another piece of bar trivia. Gael García Bernal and company gave me zero reason to believe Magellan’s life was worth any more than any of the naked people he tried to Catholicize. Magellan’s boss from a decade earlier, Alfonso de Albuquerque, was quite the hawk; the latter was all about either conquering natives or making sure he could get a New Mexico town named after himself.
None of it matters, because -and I swear to this- most of the shots in the film were given the direction of: “Just stand there. That’s right. Do nothing. Just stand right there. We are *establishing* where
you are; that’s far more important than actually doing anything.”
Two naps and an eye-flutter later, it’s 1519 and Magellan petitions King Manuel of Portugal for some travel vouchers. The King says, “nay,” so Magellan turned to see if Spain could subsidize his commute. After that success, Magellan takes to the sea to have non-adventures in Seville, 1518, the Atlantic, 1519, Patagonia, 1520. Cebu, 1521. Magellan though he was brining salvation to the unclad people of the world; what he actually brought was death, what the film brought was ennui.
This is a godawful boring piece of dreck; I hate Magellan for having lived it; I hate the Philippines for having financed it; I hate Cannes for having promoted it. The only thing left to say is that it doesn’t get my lowest rating, which I deliberately save for evil film, like Melania. Magellan wasn’t made with enough skill to have a fascist POV.
There once was an explorer, Magellan
A 16th century Portuguese felon
For committing the crime
Of stealing my time
Three hours in the ninth circle of Hell-en
Not Rated [but a whole buncha nudity], 160 Minutes
Director: Lav Diaz
Writer: Lav Diaz
Genre: BOOOOOOOOOOO-ring
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: People without taste
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Everybody else
