Don’t climb a mountain at the beginning of a film. This is just common sense. At the beginning of a film, you don’t climb a mountain, you don’t get married, and you don’t announce you’re invincible. At that point, you’re practically begging Hubris to have a go at you.
And yet … Sasha (Charlize Theron) and Tommy (Eric Bana) find themselves scaling Troll Wall in Norway at the beginning of Apex. The CGI is truly breathtaking. They even freaking camp on the wall face. I know this makes for a cool visual, CGI or otherwise, but, hey, don’t rock climbers get cold? 15,000 feet up in a country not exactly known for its heat? Never mind. Something is gonna happen here, especially when Sasha makes her eighth, ninth, and tenth attempts at a difficult section of rockface. Naturally, Tommy falls to his death so Sasha can brood about it for the rest of her life.
Half a year later, Sasha is in the Outback trying to spread Tommy’s ashes. And, wouldn’t ya know it? Everybody is a jerk. Oh, thank goodness! One Wanderra National Park local is not a jerk. Ben (Taron Egerton) is a sociopath. First, he steals Sasha’s stuff, then he admits to spying on her, and after that he gives her until the end of one song to start running because he’s going to hunt her down.
Personally, I would think that a three-minute head start for an athletic, outdoorsy, and experienced mountain climber in a thick forest would be enough, especially with a hunter who doesn’t seem to be in a hurry. But this is a movie. And much as I can remember how badass Charlize Theron has been in a dozen other films, none of that matters in this one. I still think, however, that her rock-climbing ability by itself should have given her a huge hiding advantage. I also think it’s 
darn near impossible for any but the most sensitive of trackers to find someone who wants to be lost in the woods. Furthermore, I don’t get why the objective wasn’t always, “find the river, ride it to safety.”
Rivers lead to people. Always. Show me a single river in civilization that doesn’t lead to people. You find something that will float, you jump in and hang on for dear life. Even an omniscient tracker can’t outpace rapids without diving in. This is silly.
And this film is silly. Egerton? Theron? You ask yourself, “Those are two pretty big names; why didn’t this come out in theaters? Especially with these great panoramic views?” And, well, the answer is always, “Don’t ask, because you will find out.” Apex may well be another example of the most dangerous game, but it certainly isn’t the most of anything else.
There once was Sasha, expert mountain climber
Who became a less active part-timer
Her man died in a fall
On Norway’s Troll Wall
Now you’re better off watching Oppenheimer
Rated R, 95 Minutes
Director: Baltasar Kormákur
Writer: Jeremy Robbins
Genre: Things that don’t happen outside of movies
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: You like it when Charlize Theron broods?
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: “Oh goody, a psychopath chase film”
