Lord of the Rings, it ain’t. Don’t get me wrong. It’s epic, and grand, and star-studded, and will keep your attention for three hours, all of which are impressive, but The Odyssey falls well shy of the Lord of the Rings trilogy standard as far as CGI saga masterpieces go. Will that stop Christopher Nolan from making The Iliad? Probably not, especially as The Odyssey may well bank $1 Billion worldwide.
Movies don’t get bigger than The Odyssey. It is a classic tale that has plagued many a Trojan and middle school book report over the centuries. The Odyssey begins with the end of the ten-year-long Trojan War and tells of how King Odysseus can’t find his way back home. Can’t find home … well, Odysseus, where did you put it? This version, hyped for over a year and written/directed by the guy who writes and directs the biggest movies of our era, stars everybody’s favorite lost soul, Matt Damon, as Odysseus, the lost king who takes a decade to return from the war, losing all his men in the process. How long has Damon been feuding with Jimmy Kimmel? Well, pretend that during that time, he could never find his home AND lost Ben Affleck along the way. Dude.
Meanwhile, Queen Penelope is busy fighting off the horndogs for twenty years. A series of suitors, nay, freeloaders, has infested the Ithaca palace and they’ve made themselves at home waiting for Penelope to decide her lost husband has indeed been lost forever and maybe it’s time to love on. This is the second “twenty years later” role for Anne Hathaway in 2026, so I fully expect to see revivals of Princess Mia and Agent 99 later this year. The head horndog is Antinous (Robert Pattinson), who has shed the “shiny” and “vampire” parts of shiny freeloading vampire; he is opposed by your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, Tom Holland, playing Telemachus, the eldest child of Odysseus. He doesn’t pursue Zendaya (playing the goddess Athena) in this film. He’ll pursue her in a week when Brand New Day comes out.
So,
that’s the scene: trouble at sea, trouble at home. Why can’t Odysseus find his kingdom? Because he pissed off the gods. This is, essentially, why anybody can’t do anything in ancient Greece. Kinda detracts from the whole “free will” thing. Or does it? Are the gods intended to be actual forces of nature, or simply the manifestations of poor choices. One could argue either way given the Christopher Nolan script.
The Odyssey is 173 minutes long, but never boring. Those darn Ithacans just can’t find anything but trouble. And every adventure they have leaves them with fewer guys than they started with. They should really never weigh anchor, y’know? On a deeper level, this is a struggle for the soul of Odysseus. Plagued by the resolution of the Trojan War, missing his kingdom, wife, and family, and responsible for all the men under his command, the film, the script, the saga, is an endless trail of bad choices: Do we attack the giant cyclops or starve to death? Do we visit the gates of Hell or stay lost forever? Do I hang with Charlize Theron in paradise, forgetting my troubles forever or … wait. Why did he want to leave Charlize Theron again? OK, Odysseus. You do you.
This is all good stuff. Yes. Is it great stuff? No.
I thought about this – what would it have taken to make The Odyssey more akin to Lord of the Rings? Script-wise, it has to be about something bigger. There’s an homage to the sacking of Troy, and Odysseus lamenting his role in such. This is what the film worked for. But the question is if Odysseus still rues his actions were he able to return to Ithaca years earlier? Yes, it is a noble quest to want to return home safe-and-sound and spare all your men in the process, but it’s not exactly selfless sacrifice to save the world from evil, now is it? As the film has clearly set itself against such a standard, it falls shy, no question. As for the action scenes – they aren’t clear enough. Nolan needed better CGI and better stunt/fight coordinator. The imagination is there; execution is not. In addition, by the third “RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!” scene, I was already channeling Monty Python.
♪I’d like to get food on a slow boat to Ith’ca
All to myself or more
Get food and eat food. Fill my gut forever more
Leave those Sirens wailin’ on a faraway shore
Out on Ion-y with Scylla big and stony
Pissing off gods one-by-one
I’d love to get food on a slow boat to nowhere
Can’t wait ‘til over and done♫
Rated R, 173 Minutes
Director: Christopher Nolan
Writer: Christopher Nolan, Homer
Genre: BIG McLARGEHUGE
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Fans of summer blockbusters; people who still value the screen experience
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Elon Musk … and other racists
♪ Parody Inspired by “On a Slow Boat to China”
