History just doesn’t get any duller. It’s sad, really, because this is exactly the film we need right now: a peasant rebellion against a little shit of a king. That sounds exactly like what the world, and especially the United States, is aching for at present.
Too bad the film is dull, dull, dull and entirely clad in burlap.
The year is 1381. Black Plague has claimed half the population. England is being led by 14-year-old Richard II, a ruler entirely too young, scared, and pious to rule effectively. Giving it over to his people, the kingdom decides to enforce new tax law … entirely on peasants. Tax collectors actually check genitals to see if folks should be taxed as children or adults. This is really slimy stuff, so yeah, film, you have my attention, for now.
Ploughman -and, yes, just “Ploughman”- lost his wife and children to the plague seven years ago but never received proper documentation (?!) on them, so he either has to pay a death tax now or be taxed as four people. I have no idea how 14th century taxes work, but if this is even kinda true, this shit is fucked up. Ploughman (Andrew Garfield) is essentially pushed into a corner and strikes out. When the town is held responsible, Ploughman offers himself, but then rebels more when it is obvious that his personal sacrifice is insufficient.
At this point, Ploughman becomes the unofficial leader of a rebellious movement against the kingdom. Unfortunately, the film kinda devolves from there. It’s obvious to me that the king ain’t gonna play any reindeer games with the masses no matter how much he might pretend. And all the action sequences are shot in that awful hand-held camera style that writer/director Paul Greengrass prefers.
Fantastic, Paul. I see
chaos, chaos, chaos. Now, how about a sequence that actually shows me what’s happening?
The Uprising might be describing the origin story of Robin Hood. Then again, it might not. What it described to me was that late 14th century England was unsanitary, unfriendly, drab, and dull. Really, really dull. Oh, and it was patently unfair to common folk. Woo, what a place to be! The Uprising had the ability to capture an audience thirsty for anti-Trumpism. It was there for the taking. Feel free to describe his terrible lackeys as well. Lord knows Trump isn’t just the worst President ever; he’s also the worst judge of talent ever, almost entirely because boot-licking toadyism matters more to him than any other quality in a human. Yup, it was there for the taking, and instead, a boring film happened. Better luck next time.
There once was a lonely Ploughman
Working fields the best that he can
Lords say he should pay
And he didn’t give way
Now he leads the peasant revolution
Rated R, 128 Minutes
Director: Paul Greengrass
Writer: Paul Greengrass
Genre: Dull history
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Historians, I hope
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People hoping for a modern anthem of rebellion
