Directions, huh? Make a left at Meh, go down about five miles through It’lldoville and it’s on your right. If you hit Excitement, you’ve gone too far.
Oooooh, what’s the secret? Is it scaaaaary? House at the End of the Street opens with a girl taking a butcher’s knife to both parents. Most of the attack is implied rather than seen, and this will represent the scariest moments the film has to offer. By the time Sarah (Elisabeth Shue) and Elissa (Jennifer Lawrence) show up, hey, sorry gals, the thrill has gone. No, no, don’t try making a movie here – there’s really no – oh, all right, if you must.
Somewhere in the semi-rural environs of –NotChicago- mother-daughter team of Sarah and Elissa have come to live. They get a place cheap because it’s right next door to murderhouse. Elissa is very pretty, of course, and it takes her about five seconds to solicit a potential date rape. “Mom, the kids here are awesome!” So she decides to leave the boy’s house, at night, on her own, in the rain, for ten miles, on a lone highway through a dense wooded area. Act I of a horror film, babe, I don’t like your chances.
Luckily, Jennifer’s name is above the credits, so she survives long enough to be picked up by mysterious [read:either creepy or misunderstood depending on perspective] Ryan, the surviving brother from the festival of patricide; and now we get to learn more about Ryan (I want to call him “hunky”, but Max Thieriot still looks 15-years-old to me), like the fact that he might have a beard, but it’s hard to tell. Oh, and his long-term plans are to fix the murderhouse up and sell it. Guess nobody told Ryan about how the housing market works.
The real mystery is the murderous sister — did she survive? Does she live in the woods surrounding the house? What is her deal, anyway? And what does Ryan know? The answers to these questions are C+/B- material, which accounts for any good will I might have for this fairly dull ride. The filmmakers threw in a Jennifer/Max screen romance to give us something to do while waiting for the film to end — and that’s precisely how this relationship feels.
I’m still waiting for the Winter’s Bone breakout star to show up again. She’s out there; I know it. Maybe she’s hiding in the woods with Ryan’s sister.
All day after rides
Now Katniss resides
She moved in besides
The house at the end of the street
There’s evil o’er there
They say beware
You must have a care
For the wicked inherent replete
The kid in the home
He don’t like to roam
Pretty as a poem
Thinks our gal, she sure’d like to meet
Mom tries to irk
The boy ain’t a jerk
Still secrets lurk
Behind kisses they share so sweet
Hardly a snorer
Yet a bit of a borer
This unscary horror
Today, that’s an all-too-common a feat.
Rated PG-13, 101 Minutes
D: Mark Tonderai
W: David Loucka
Genre: Hiller? Thorror?
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The Max Thieriot believers
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: The “will the real Jennifer Lawrence please stand up” club
