“I hate soccer and I hate you (Gerard Butler).” Kid, I am so there. You’d think expressing such sentiment aloud would endear me to Playing for Keeps, a pointless exercise in putting Gerard Butler’s face on screen. Keeps left me uneasy and lethargic, constantly looking for things to do while waiting for the movie to end (thank you, Harvard Lampoon).
The scant semblence of plot is this — George (Butler) is a down-on-his-luck ex-soccer star. Ex-European soccer star. For some reason, he’s chosen to ride out his wilted salad days in Virginia, where we Americans just loooove soccer history and unemployed foreigners. No job, no prospects and an angry ex-wife to boot, George decides to appease her by coaching their son’s soccer team. This is the plot. Yes, that’s it.
Playing for Keeps isn’t a pointless film so much as a point-of-viewless film. I think the screenwriter and cinematographer were both just so excited to see a screen with color and sound that the rest was just gravy. What else would explain these characters:
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- George (Butler) – down on his luck ex-soccer star. After 70 minutes of screen time, I knew exactly two things about him: he knows soccer and he’s wants a
soccer-related broadcasting job. Not sure how he feels about anything else. That’s good in a hero, right? - Stacie (Jessica Biel) – cliché divorcee. For some reason, she’s disappointed when her ex doesn’t come through. Isn’t this why you got divorced? What, he’s gonna clean up his act after you’ve split? Yeah, that’s realistic.
- Barb (Judy Greer) – single soccer mom groupie. The kind of typically ill-conceived movie character who goes ga-ga for the guy on looks alone and can abandon her entire life on the hope of playing George’s personal keeper ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo. Well, we all know how flexible the schedules of single moms are..
- Denise (Catherine Zeta-Jones) – oh, look, she is a broadcaster for ESPN — why that’s exactly the job George wants! What were the odds? Oh, and she’s a single mom. And, get this, she also wants to sleep with George. Maybe she lists one of her turn-ons as “men who can’t pay their bills.”.
- Patti (Uma Thurman) – trophy wife. Uma Thurman’s presence in this film makes me weep. She killed Bill. Now she’s reduced to the third-string sex-toy for an unemployed loser. A loser who may or may not have interest in her. It’s kinda hard to tell.
- Carl (Dennis Quaid) – Uma’s hubby. Of all the pathetic unrelatable fiction here, Carl the glad-handing & green-handing multi-million-dollar schmooze has got to be the worst. This is a guy who literally throws money around. He shakes your hand and slaps you on the back every three seconds, then puts $100 in your pocket as if life is one giant bar mitzvah. He bets on children’s soccer; he greases palms to get his untalented daughter singing exposure. When’s the last time you heard the national anthem at a child soccer game? “Like my car? Here, take it.” Moneyed people don’t act like this in real life. Until now, they didn’t really act like this in fiction, either. At least he doesn’t want to sleep with George. I think.
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I see sets and dialogue and cues and action, and yet Playing for Keeps wanders from scene-to-scene like drunk warthog. Purposeless, pointless, clueless … you want to laugh, but then you realize it isn’t all that funny.
Our Scottish walrus is in a small fix
His script selection has taken some licks
Soccer’s his milieu
And if it’s yours, too
You still won’t be getting your kicks
Rated PG-13, 105 Minutes
D: Gabriele Muccino
W: Robbie Fox
Genre: Pointless
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Completely at a loss. I dunno, ex-athletes who still think they “got it,” maybe?
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who go to the movies for a reason. Any reason.
