I keep waiting for Kirk to win a fight. In two films now, Chris Pine has gotten his butt kicked by Spock, Romulan #3, Eric Bana, Romulan #7, Benedict Cumberbatch, random Space Cadets, small school children, Gary Busey and that “Numa Numa” guy. OK, maybe I invented the last three ass kickings, but you know where I’m coming from – for a badass, Kirk ain’t so badass. Star Trek Into Darkness even gave us a scene where Kirk whales on Cumberbatch for an uncomfortably long series of undefended blows at the end of which Scumby just gives him an “are you done?” look. That might just look a little different in your report to Star Fleet. KnowhatImsayin?
Speaking of Kirk (Pine) fibbing to Star Fleet, Star Trek Into Darkness starts up with a doozy. See, the Enterprise is hiding on the ocean floor of a primitive planet where the natives wear festive yellow caftans and a ton of Hollywood face paint. Long story short, Kirk saves both the planet’s neanderthals and Spock with some very iffy science, but gets seen in the process, thus violating the dreaded “Prime Directive” (“Never get involved in a land war in Asia” … or is it “don’t feed them after midnight?” I forget.). On the report, Kirk kinda neglects to mention the messin’ with native sasquatch part, but Spock cannot tell a lie, ‘cuz he’s Vulcan … or George Washington. I forget. Five minutes in and we’re already back to Kirk and Spock at odds, 
and Star Fleet brass pissed at Kirk, who, quite frankly, seems a less-than-worthy captain of the trillion-dollar taxpayer supported Enterprise. But that’s just me … and Star Fleet.
Say, have you ever seen a dude with a Star Fleet Academy bumper sticker, then gotten a look at the driver and said to yourself, “you’re not fooling anyone; you could never get into Star Fleet?” I digress.
Neo-retro Trek ain’t neo-retro Trek without Kirk, so James T. is a commander before you can say, “plot point.” And, check it out, that guy responsible for the parallel-storyline terrorist act (Cumberbatch) is taking out the Star Fleet brass with a neato future helicopter right now. Kirk counters by fighting fire with firehose. Gotta hand it to JTK; that man seriously knows how to wreck stuff. It seems almost pathological by now. Oh, get this, the terrorism stuff claimed the life of Kirk’s boss Cap’n Pike (Bruce Greenwood). Why, that makes “Commander” Kirk, hmmm, lemme check … why, it makes him Captain again! He didn’t even need to collect experience points to level up.
I’m not gonna try to explain or re-describe the plot anymore. Look, if you came to see your li’l pals Spock (Simon Pegg), Bones (Zoe Saldana), Uhura (John Cho), Chekov (Karl Urban), Sulu (Anton Yelchin), Scotty (Zachary Quinto) -yes, I did that on purpose- and the rest of the cast of Laugh In doin’ all their same ol’ bits, you won’t be disappointed. You also won’t be disappointed if you don’t know the shtick, but don’t go red-in-the-face if the geezer next to you starts laughing at something you don’t think is funny.
The present iteration of Trek is so obsessed by its kitsch value you’d think the movie would implode if it had to actually *gasp* come up with a new idea or a new character. One can sense a spasm of joyous delight every.single.time there’s a moment or line hardcore fans have seen before in some form. The result, to me at least, is that Star Trek Into Darkness comes off less as a screenplay and more as well-written fan fiction. To be fair, there’s a ton of folks out there who don’t want anything else.
The Enterprise hosts Kirk and Spock
In their alternatively universal crock
The telling is bold
Though the tale seems old
We’re thisclose from Star Trekkie schlock
Rated PG-13, 132 Minutes
D: J.J. Abrams
W: Roberto Orci, Alex Kurtzman & Damon Lindelof
Genre: Fan pleaser
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Do they still call them ‘Trekkies?’
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Scientists with no love of Sci-Fi – is there such a person?
