You don’t start with the eye. I mean, that just doesn’t make sense. When you and your cannibal buddies dice apart a live vanquished opponent, why go for the eye first? Don’t you want to show the guy exactly what you’ve done to him while he’s still alive? I’m thinking you natives could use some taunting lessons.
Have you ever flown to the Amazon for quick little weekend protest? Sure, who hasn’t? An airbus full of almost mildly agitated Columbia students decide to lose a weekend in the Peruvian Andes to protest a logging operation threatening a local tribe. In what is being called “the protest of the century,” the kids chain themselves to trees for ten full minutes, then they are arrested, use the pre-protest bribe to avoid even the smallest amount of jail time, and board the plane home. Hey, if they’re lucky, they can still catch that kegger.
Oh no, a John Denver experience. Guess that kegger isn’t gonna happen after all. Does somebody have the econ homework? What kind of moron survives a plane crash, then walks head first into a still spinning propeller? Hey, it’s those natives we were trying to save! Sucks, they’re assholes! And then the pain begins. And it really never ends. From screen or audience.
Few films have ever hated activists quite like The Green Inferno. You’ll find even PCU gives them more credit than this slice of horror. The students didn’t research the village people they were trying to save? Like … not at all? Didn’t even sing “Y.M.C.A.” once? They also didn’t research their cause … or the people who were funding them … or what to expect. Seriously – Eli Roth must believe that protesters show up, wave their little banners, upload a live video, leave quickly and quietly and move on to the 
next photo op. ♪Mostly sayin’ hoo-ray for our side♫ Yeah, it’s easy to root against these kids.
And then the ugly stuff happens. The Green Inferno is not a good film; Act I is kind of painful and the rest is deliberately indulgent violence – even so, I think it stopped short of Human Centipede level horror, which is probably why you’re here to begin with. I don’t expect to meet its actors again any time soon. The one with the big role is Lorena Izzo; I was able to identify her because she’s the center of every shot. The rest of the cast mostly deserved a good punch to the groin. If the natives weren’t so deliberately scary looking, I’d have had no problem rooting for them to finish off every one of these jerks.
Perv corner: For a film with plenty of skin (painted red) and even some “are you a virgin?” show ‘n’ tell, there is not a single moment of titillation in The Green Inferno. I’m among those who believes there’s no such thing as bad nudity; I’d probably consider myself wrong were there (really) any in this film. Sure, gouge a guy’s eye, hack off a limb or four, have a guy scalped by an airplane, but good luck finding a bare breast among an indigenous native population who wear little more than loin cloths. You’ll sooner get jazzed by a copy of National Geographic.
Those students sure pulled a bona
They didn’t crash land in ‘Zona
Don’t have to ask “why?”
Now kids, don’t be shy
Mmmmmm, who wants some more Jonah?
Rated R, 100 Minutes
D: Eli Roth
W: Guillermo Amoedo, Eli Roth
Genre: Weekend from Hell
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Cannibals
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Activists
