Forgive my candor, but this franchise has jumped the acidic wasteland dystopian techno-shark. I hope the books were better, because this set of films has moved well within the realm of pointless. Say, don’t the Pointless kids now share a dorm with the Dauntless? The point is, I no longer care about Tris (Shailene Woodley) and her Four-play (Theo James) … and I no longer care why the world has gone to Hell. At this juncture, the only true positive I can offer about The Divergent Series is this – if you were disappointed with the conclusion to Mockingjay, dudes, it clearly could have been a lot worse.
Ok, lemme try and describe this disaster – at last look, Kate Winslet’s Titanic coup sank and she was executed in the process, leaving law and order to people who prefer to live in caves. Four’s mom (Naomi Watts) has taken over. Lawdy, what do you call the mother of Four, anyway, “π?” So, yeah, π leads by mob rule. Now, you’d think on some level, Four would be happy with this; I mean, a mom who rolls with public execution of dissidents probably won’t put up much of a stink that you’re sleeping with your hot girlfriend. But nooooooooo, Four and Tris want out of Chicago. And are willing to spout the cheesiest of clichés to get there.
The very next person to quote this film will be the first.
So the new rebels must get out of Dodge despite mom on lockdown like it’s Four’s curfew. Exactly one unnecessary chase and some premature celebration later, the people we almost care about discover what’s beyond the wall – some acid rain, some CGI and a society even more stupid than the one they live in. Ok, raise hands, who thought we were done with bass ackwards future societies? Nope, turns out Four, Tris and their groupies: that awful kid who’s great in Whiplash and terrible in Fantastic Four, Lenny Kravitz’ daughter and the kid Shailene Woodley digs in The Fault in Our Stars (he’s her brother here, dude, ewwwww) all make it to the secluded land of militaristic voyeurs, where everybody has been watching these guys in their pay-per-view reality TV bunker for ages. And yet, not a single one among this everybody can predict what T-4 are thinking and planning.
Oh, and Tris is “pure.” I think we can tell by her new cute bob (new movie, new hairdo, of course). Wait. Does Four approve of Tris’ new haircut?! How can we find out? Enter Jeff Daniels, who has a big plan proving that Tris’ purity –or her new haircut- is the symbol that Chicago can overcome its forced prison camp issues. The amount to which this film doesn’t make sense goes well beyond the Chicago walls of imagination. But hey, give it up for the special effects and the creepy PG-13 nudity
involved in making sure Tris successfully cleanses herself before entering the new city.
So if you didn’t get this, we started the series with one f***ed up society and by book three, we now have two. And the more we learn, the less I care. This entire set of films has devolved into pretty teens running around with guns shooting at others for reasons completely unknown. As of movie three, I am 100% unaware of the objective. Do we want Tris & her Four companions to live alone in peace and harmony? Do we want them to fight for the rights of unknown children? Do we want everybody to become “pure” and get bitchin’ new hairstyles? I don’t know. And I honestly don’t care.
After seeing this thing through, I can’t believe there’s another Astringent or Detergent or whatever. This movie ended with resolution. Therefore, the series now has resolution. Yes, it was a sadistic, unsatisfying resolution, but it was definitely a resolution. As this iteration was a pile crap, I see absolutely no reason to proceed. Go. Live your stupid future lives. Have a caste system; don’t have a caste sytem. Invite new pretty people for “cleansing.” It doesn’t matter. I hope I’m dead long before this dystopia resembles that one.
♪Up there on the screen
Don’t know what they mean
This movie lost me in the last hour
They don’t need to fight
I’m sure it’s all right
If all just take a “cleansing” shower
Don’t cry
Please wave “good-bye”
It’s all a teen-age face-plant♫
Rated PG-13, 121 Minutes
D: Robert Schwentke
W: Noah Oppenheim and Adam Cooper & Bill Collage
Genre: Teen dollar farming
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Not sure; I’m guessing people who get excited to see a visual depiction of a book they read (no matter how awful that depiction is)
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anybody compelled to follow this far
♪ Parody inspired by “Baba O’Riley”
