Has anyone ever let Samara go to voicemail? Forwarded her? *69’d her? Put her on hold? Reported her to a “do not call” agency? How about just run her through an automated voice system:
“Our messaging system has changed. Please listen to all the choices and then respond accordingly. Press or say ‘1’ for customer service, press or say – “
“Seven days.”
“- ‘2’ for corporate. Press or say ‘3’ for-“
“Seven days.”
“billing. Press or –“
“Seven days!”
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t quite catch that. Could you repeat it?”
“SEVEN DAYS”
“To go back to the start of the menu, please press or say ‘0’ at any time”
“SEVEN DAYS!!”
“I heard ‘7.’ Is that correct?”
“Seven days.”
“To go back to the start of the menu, please press or say ‘0’ at any time”
“Seven days.”
“I couldn’t catch that. I will repeat the menu from the beginning. Press or say ‘1’ for customer service …”
“Oh, for the love of Ju-on.” -click-
For those of you who sorely missed Ms. Nightgowned Nightmare, Samara (Bonnie Morgan) is back in Rings, which is not actually about call waiting, but may as well be for all Rings is about anything at all. The premise is that some normal person accidentally catches this creepy film-student-quality video, then the phone rings and (presumably) Samara, an angry wet dead-ish pre-teen, starts that person’s death clock with the words “seven days.” Exactly a week later, the monochromatic wraith-girl crawls out of the nearest television, video monitor, iPad, whatever, slowly approaches and then … (this part eludes me) … my guess is she applies bad makeup until the victim dies of embarrassment. Could that be right? Much like Donald Trump, Samara ensures that everyone who pays attention to him/her will regret it sooner or later. Unlike the Donald, Samara is far more organized, punctually delivering the pain on time as promised rather than issuing the odd hour hateful spelling-challenged tweetstorm or signing some horrible proclamation he neither wrote nor read at some irrelevant future.
Ah, but there’s a caveat – if you take Sam-you’re-screwed’s video, copy it and make somebody else see it, the dead girl gives you a reprieve. You know me; I can’t help with the questions – what if you see it again? Does that put you back in harm’s way? Is there more than one Samara? What if you see it in a group? How can she get to all of you at the same time a week later? What if you’re like me and you tried to watch it, but the video failed and you just got audio? Or, better yet, what if you got bored half-way through and switched to a kitten video or pandas frolicking or something? Does Samara call you up and say, “well, look, you saw the lady brush her hair right? And a fly? Did you see the outside of the well from a distance? What do you mean ‘maybe?’ Did you see it or didn’t you? Tell you what; you’ve got until Thursday the 18th. That’s ten days from today, and I’ll lay off most of the random horror crap in the interim. Whaddaya say? That’s fair, right?”
And, you probably guessed it, when I get into the pedantic stuff, it’s a good sign the horror doesn’t work. Gabriel (Johnny Galecki) is a college professor who saw the Samara video. “Is that gonna be on the test?” To the misery of his failing students, Prof has cheated death by setting up a Samara network where a “marked” person (presumably starting with himself) copies the video and 
collects a “tail:” another student to watch and acquire the video and, hence, relieve the burden of the first. This, of course, only delays the inevitable for somebody, but it looks like you can get college credit for it. I wonder if I can major in “Samara.” I swear I’d be a good Samara-tan. Eventually, the burden gets passed to coed Julia (Matilda Anna Ingrid Lutz – that’s an awful lot of name; good thing I’m never going to have to repeat it), who realizes her personal Samara video has been appended to include recent private events … ooooooo; it’s like Samara knows.
Julia becomes the focal point of this bathtub residue and takes it upon herself to solve the Samara mystery coinciding in her dreams. The mystery is mildly better than the horror. That said, Rings just isn’t all that scary, which is a huge departure from either Japanese original of 1998 or its American remake of 2002. I don’t think it’s Samara; when properly directed, she’s still plenty disturbing. Perhaps it’s the cast – Matilda Lutz and Alex Roe have the burden of selling the horror and I barely believed either in the role of student. Perhaps the novelty is a little dated, or the film simply lacks the uneasiness and nausea induced by its predecessors. While the pommel horse, parallel bars and vault are all evil, Rings is generally the most despised apparatus; here, however, it is despised not out of fear, but malaise. Digital Samara just ain’t got it.
♪Well I come from local college where I’m using my “degree”
I’m going to teach these coeds to avoid death by T.V.
It rained from my computer when those seven days were gone
I didn’t even see the thing, Samara: you want John
Oh Samara
Oh don’t you come for me
I copied your artsy worthless dreck
And shared reluctantly♫
Rated PG-13, 102 Minutes
D: F. Javier Gutiérrez
W: David Loucka and Jacob Estes and Akiva Goldsman
Genre: Milking it
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Samara
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of the 1998 original
♪ Parody inspired by “Oh! Susanna”
