The greeting card industry has soaked me for years. Not that I mind especially … until I am fully prepared to create my own hand-written present embellishments, I’m perfectly content to shell out a few bucks every so often for a picture of a heart and pithy nothing inside. Why not? And yet, while the industry has indeed made a tidy profit from my pocket, they
are going to have to go a little further beyond to convince me that people are willing to kill over the rights to a piece of paper that plays a snippet of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” whenever you open it up.
Ray Wentworth (Bob Odenkirk) used to be a legend. His amazing ability to generate a cheap laugh or a single tear by unfolding tree slices made him a legend in the industry. Were there a Greeting Card Hall of Fame, he’d be a first ballot (on recycled paper) inductee. Where do you suppose the Greeting Card Hall of Fame would be located? Somewhere in the HI islands? Stockton, CA, or just some Paper Town? Legend or no, Ray hasn’t produced a winner in years. His idea for a card filled with dimes is thin, cheap and flat and becomes his exit from employment.
Now I know what you’re thinking: “You’ve asked Bob Odenkirk to carry a film … what could possibly go wrong?”
While I’m there, doncha think a greeting card company should give you something better than a pink slip? Maybe some sort of parting foldable message … maybe one that on the outside has a picture of Paul Bunyan and reads “what did the lumberjack say to the useless, broken-down, has-been, unproductive tree?” … and then it folds open to read, “You’re getting the axe!” Maybe there could be an interior drawing of the lumberjack chopping the tree, except where the tree’s leafy branches ought to be, there’s a clear sleeve to put a headshot. How does that sound?
Being fired does suck; I didn’t mean to make light of it – many of us, myself included, know the pain of being unable to return to a place where you got paid. Ray doesn’t take it well and is quickly down to pathetic options like babysitting his landlord’s nephew to make rent. But irony being a thing at all times, Ray turns from forgettable loser to America’s Most Wanted with the advent of Girlfriend’s Day – yet another fabricated excuse to sell greeting cards; several folks, including Stacy Keach and Amber Tamblyn, are betting Ray can
take the prize associated with the Girlfriend’s Day kickoff. Suddenly, the questions become: how do you get Ray’s talent to return? And who will cash in if it does?
I’ll give this to the film – when is the last time you saw an intellectual property MacGuffin? Even in The Book of Eli, The Bible is still a universal – memorization of The Bible only exists as intellectual property in the absence of all bibles. OTOH, the magical winning card is never shown to the audience, which I find a cheap copout and a poor reason to string us along on a weak premise and weaker humor. Show us what you got; let us decide whether or not it’s an idea worth killing for. I suspect the writers actually know the answer – no greeting card is worth killing for. Seriously, dude, just write, “I love you” on a piece of paper when you give her the flowers; if she likes you back, she’ll forgive the shallowness of the gesture.
♪Well there’s Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving feast or
St. Paddys’, Valentine’s, President’s, maybe Arbor
But I got to keep writin’
How was the Bar Mitzvah? Slap a check for birthday
Happy young retirement, Halloween, sorry you’re away
Yeah, I got to keep on writin’
Ooh, I’m signin’ my life away, lookin’ for a better card, you see
Ooh, I’m signin’ my life away, Hallmark done took my soul, frankly♫
Not Rated, 65 Minutes
D: Michael Paul Stephenson
W: Eric Hoffman, Bob Odenkirk, Philip Zlotorynski
Genre: The joy of the written word … in movie form
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Bob Odenkirk’s family
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: People who aren’t really bored
♪ Parody inspired by “Drivin’ My Life Away”
