I am running out of superlatives to describe Transformers movies. It’s really hard to best “the dumbest,” “the lamest,” and “the most confusing” film after film. Honestly, Transformers: The Last Knight could be all of the above, but in order to make such a presumption, I’d have to have a good handle on the other films in the franchise, which I do not. And why can I not recall much of the other Transformers films? Because they suck. And not uniquely, mind you; they suck in tedious, repetitive, and indistinguishable ways. They suck to an extent that permeates the forgettable realm, delves well beyond looking upwards while head scratching, and lodges itself into show-and-tell day at the Alzheimer’s clinic.
You may think I haven’t given these films a fair shot because I fall asleep each and every time I see one, which is true. So this time, to be fair, I -ironically- stayed awake the whole Knight. It didn’t help.
About a month ago, there was a would-be blockbuster devoted to the legend of King Arthur. This film failed to mention Arthur’s conquests were aided by Transformers. Of course, while this confirms what I’ve said for a while – that the Trans community has been around for centuries, just often hidden – you’d think the Arthur picture would have added that salient detail, no? I mean, after the big battle was over, was he worried that he wouldn’t get to look into the camera and say, “I’m going to Disneyland?” That said honor might instead go to the six robots who melded together to form a three-headed mega dragon used to kill every last Druid/Roman/Visigoth/Nazi/Orc who opposed Arthur? Suffice to say, this conquest yielded a MacGuffin – the wizard Merlin’s staff is actually, a magic metal rod donated by a transformer cleverly hiding among all the other metal in a prehistoric English cave. This otherworldly artifact can … wait. What did the stick do exactly? Oh who knows? Transformers: The Last Knight wasn’t clear on what power Merlin’s staff wielded nor the extent to which it wielded power, the important thing here is the staff is powerful, it was (foolishly) given by a transformer in the 5th century to Merlin, and now in the 21st century, everybody wants it.
The 2017 summer in film has introduced a stampede a MacGuffins and Last Knight has two: Merlin’s staff and one other given to Cade Yeager (Marky Mark) in the form of the transformers cross or whatever, a medallion that denotes either The Last Knight or the cast member with the most dialogue. Meanwhile, in possibly a different movie altogether, Sir Anthony Hopkins showed up in an effort to dare the Academy Awards committee to rescind his Oscar. Luckily, Hopkins is the master historian of Arthurian-Transformer legend and thus sets up Marky Mark on a blind date with Vivian Wembley (Laura Haddock), a professor/doctor/scientist/supermodel/polo star. The highlight of this pairing culminates in these two trashing the study of a relic-filled manor while a covey of biddies downstairs think the two are having noisy sex. This is exactly how good the writing is for the entire film.
In fact, truth be told, I’ve already given this review way more structure than it deserved. Dicey motivation is always in issue in this franchise, exacerbated here by the feeling like this film was edited by a four-year-old on crack. If I wrote exactly what I saw, this is what my review would look like: bunch o’ wiseass punk kids in a battle zone … pile of garbage turns into robot … shooting … who? Why? … army guys … Marky Mark shows up … poorly delivered punchline … more shooting … don’t touch that! … big robot sticks a sword the size of the Space Needle into another robot … robot bleeding, I think? … army guys useless … another tiresome punchline … more shooting … medallion grows legs and crawls onto Marky Mark … something died, I think … what am I suppose to feel here? … more shooting … from 
whom? At whom? … yet another punchline, this time both tiresome and poorly delivered.
Personally, I love it when the “serious” robots give speeches – all deep and reverent, feigning wisdom or malevolence and completely undermined by the fact that none of these roboVoltaires has more depth than your average bag of Cheetos.
I want to know who exactly is enjoying the Transformers films. I spent a great deal of time wondering who this film is for. I see that it made $17 M opening weekend, but for the life of me, I couldn’t tell you who saw it or why. I now see that Transformers 6 is going to happen as well. Is this a tax write-off thing? A money laundering scheme? I haven’t even gotten into half the stuff I hated about this film. If it were in me to give Michael Bay zero stars I would, happily, but such implies this film is a failed vision. The vision of Transformers: The Last Knight is one that immediately fades into an amalgam of past Transformers films, each indistinguishable from the last. Zero stars implies that year from now I would be able to point to this film and state clearly, “yes! That’s the one. This iteration was definitely worse than the others.” To do that, I’d have to transform into somebody who cared.
Merlin wielded magical stix
That everybody needs now right quix
Marky, modern knight?
While dumb robots fight
I can’t wait for Transformers six
Rated PG-13, 149 Minutes
D: Michael Bay
W: Art Marcum & Matt Holloway & Ken Nolan
Genre: Big dumb robot fights
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: Anyone who can accurately distinguish one Transformers film from another
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Anyone with an ounce of good taste
