You just had to push, didn’t you? Yeah, we saw Bad Moms. We enjoyed it. And, of yes, we got the message loud and clear – this is an anthem for the put-upon mothers of the world. Well, sort of an anthem; you certainly wouldn’t applaud a father who chose friends ahead of family, even if only to make a statement. Still, we see your role in the modern world, mom; it comes with expectations of production, nurturing, and humility that few men would be willing to bear. And for a reward, there’s a generous helping of nothing. You don’t even get to see a competent woman elected President ahead of a sexist child. It’s no wonder you’re pissed.
And then this happened. Rushed to screen without reasonable vetting, A Bad Moms Christmas joins Another 48 Hrs. and An Inconvenient Truth II as sequels so awful you’ll actually reconsider how much you enjoyed the original. What was an anthem is now a cry for help. What was a defiant shout of “R-E-S-P-E-C-T” is now a seasick “S.O.S.” This film doesn’t work, isn’t funny, and completely loses the path forged by Bad Moms.
As Christmas approaches, Amy (Mila Kunis) is feeling the pain. Her ungrateful sacks of children want the world, and Amy feels obliged to provide it. I’m sure millions of women feel exactly like this as the calendar progresses with ugly Sisyphean repetition towards December 25. It’s sad to note that the film works here for about five minutes – I can see you (briefly) remembered why women loved the original. Then the plot happened. Christmas wasn’t enough by itself; mothers came to visit. And not just any set of mothers, here come the ghosts of Cling-mas present in the form of Christine Baranski, Cheryl Hines, and Susan Sarandon.
Tell you what, I’m going to describe the most amusing thing each Nana Boundary-Issues does and you can tell me whether or not you find it amusing, sound good?
• Ruth (Baranski) is Amy’s mother and the kind of type-A ultra-perfectionist one only sees in the movies. Unsolicited, she spends thousands of dollars to arrange an animatronic carnival-like depiction of the 12 Days of Christmas on Amy’s front lawn. Imagine for a moment Baranski’s exact role in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, only worse.
• Sandy (Hines) is the mother of Kiki (Kristen Bell). She shows up in a custom-made sweater with her daughter’s face on it; later on, it is discovered she’s been present for her daughter’s bedtime routines, including, ahem, conjugal relations with her hubby. Laughing yet?
• Isis (Sarandon) is the white trash mother of Carla (Kathryn Hahn). Not content to watch, she actually goes after Carla’s would-be boyfriend, a stripper named Ty (Justin Hartley), while he is in mid-performance.
Oh, am I ever so happy to have Christina Applegate return for a cameo; was it she who delivered the artificial donglonger extension from Chris Hemsworth in Vacation to Justin Hartley in A Bad Moms Christmas? Hmmm, upon consideration, I really, really hope men are not sharing this particular item.
It wasn’t just the hideous writing that made A Bad Moms Christmas a
trainwreck. Watching the film, I wanted to know the world’s record for montages in one film. I counted six (6) times the film decided to forego conversation, turn the music up and show a full scene in quick-cut story-telling. WTH, man? Did the editor make a bet with his friend? There are so many montages in A Bad Moms Christmas that Rocky films are asking, “Could you dial it down a little?”
Of course, the real tragedy here is that Bad Moms lost the theme. The original was about recognition and feminism; this one was about how awful it is to have a mother. Is that really the message you want to send? This sad, sad epitome of “once too often to the well” almost made me cry. I love Mila Kunis. I love Christine Baranski. I love Kristen Bell. I … know of Susan Sarandon. Making these people into a theme-related horror show serves no purpose. Please erase this one from my brain and try again when you remember the purpose of this franchise.
♪On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Mila Kunis in a comedy
On the second day of Christmas, my true love … screwed the pooch♫
Rated R, 104 Minutes
Director: Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Writer: Jon Lucas, Scott Moore
Genre: Ill-considered sequel
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Mothers with comically abusive mothers of their own
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: People who wish to remember the original fondly
♪ Parody Inspired by “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
