Index

10 Cloverfield Lane

No, no. This is 10 Cloverfield PLACE. Common mistake; you’re looking for Apocalypseville.

12 Golden Ducks (12金鴨)

‘Ducks!’ I said ‘Ducks!’ Yes, I know the subject matter. I said, ‘Ducks!’

12 Years a Slave

N ot quite as glamorous as it seems.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi

Mercenaries are just better people.

1911

N ote to the Chinese: please stop writing your modern history.

2 Guns

2 Gurious

20 Once Again (Chongfan 20 Sui)

Youth is wasted on the magically young.

20th Century Women

Because not all films are about men. Believe it or not.

21 & Over

B ut not too much over, ifyouknowwhatImean.

21 Jump Street

W here is this magical High School in which Channing Tatum is a dork? Ah, yes, a place called ‘Fiction’.

22 Jump Street

Move over, Korean Jesus

3 Days to Kill

M ore like two hours.

3 Idiotas

I’ll just take a dos equis instead

30 Minutes or Less

L ook. Just skip this and go watch Zombieland again. I’m doing you a favor.

300: Rise of an Empire

I s this cultural? Do you people ever wear shirts?

42

S orry, Douglas Adams fans; there’s nothing here for you.

45 Years

We’ve been over this; don’t put a period of time in the title of a slow-moving film.

47 Meters Down

And just around the bends

47 Ronin

(with 100 Ronin being a perfect score)

50/50

T he odds you’ll be weeping before this movie ends.

99 Homes

He’s got 99 problems and, actually, home is among them.

A Beautiful Planet

Oh, *OUR* planet. Beautiful? Sure. Why not?

A Bigger Splash

… into the toilet

A Cat in Paris (Une vie de chat)

O r Synecdoche for all that Paris figured into the story.

A Cure for Wellness

A well for the curious

A Dog’s Purpose

… to sell schmaltz to an easy audience, apparently

A Ghost Story

Somebody died and didn’t leave. There, I saved you an evening.

A Girl Like Her

… and her sanity are soon parted.

A Good Day to Die Hard

I n Russia, party welcome YOU, comrade.

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy

D idn’t arouse me.

A Haunted House

G hostperv.

A Haunted House 2

Just in case you imagined subtlety was making a comeback.

A Hologram for the King

Just send it to Graceland. Thankyouverymuch.

A Master Builder

“Mastur?”

A Million Ways to Die in the West

In print, for instance

A Monster Calls

… collect. Will you accept the charges?

A Monster in Paris (Un monstre à Paris)

The Lance Armstrong story

A Most Violent Year

B ut a pleasant bouquet.

A Most Wanted Man

Is this what you do when your film ain’t all that? Put ‘most’ or ‘much’ or ‘very’ in the title?

A Poem Is a Naked Person

The converse … less.

A Separation (Jodaeiye Nader az Simin)

Between my perception and critical acclaim.

A Thousand Words

A re worth a great deal more than this picture.

A United Kingdom

And by ‘Kingdom,’ they mean two really stubborn people

A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas

H o! Ho! Ho! Merry Jane! Er, I mean, “Christmas!”

A Walk Among the Tombstones

Take your fitbit; that’s good exercise.

A Walk in the Woods

Old men walkin’ … well, standin’ … well, breathin’

A.C.O.D.

T he long term effects of divorce on children? Um … it sucks.

Abacus: Small Enough to Jail

Don’t count on it

Abduction

O nly thing abducted here was the admission price.

About Last Night

S eriously, Hollywood, I can go a week without Kevin Hart. Really, I can.

About Time

H mmmm, I have the ability to right any wrong in my lifetime … I’m gonna score!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

T he Great Emancipator frees us from fact.

Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

Absolutely fatuous

Act of Valor

N ow THIS is how you make Right Wing propaganda.

Addicted

… to pans.

Admission

D enied.

African Cats

O k, we got animals on screen. Did anybody secure Morgan Freeman? No? Damn.

After Earth

W ait. Wait. I know this. It’s Mars, right? I’m gonna go with Mars.

Alex Cross

A ctually, he looks kinda amiable.

Alice Through the Looking Glass

… and the two stars she found there

Alien: Covenant

Prometheuses

All Eyez on Me

Tupac or not Tupac

All Is Lost

D rifted …

Allegiant

I’ve diverged from this story.

Allied

[“I lied?”]

Almost Christmas

Almost passable

Aloha

Fortunately, it also means ‘good-bye.’

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked

T his was no boating accident. Unfortunately.

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip

Working up to fart jokes

America: Imagine the World Without Her

W hy apologize for anything, really?

American Assassin

…♪stay away from me-ee

American Hustle

L ookin’ to scam an Oscar.

American Made

… Central American approved

American Reunion

P erhaps by American Wake I’ll find these films funny.

American Sniper

The ultimate sheepdog

American Ultra

Jesse Eisenberg AND Kristen Stewart together? What could go wrong?”

Amour

♪What a drag it is getting old… ♫

Amy

Because sometimes clichés are still worth telling.

An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power

For this next sermon, I’m going to pivot and face the choir directly.

Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

Y ou will believe a man can read the news.

And So It Goes

Y eah, it went, all right. But not fast enough.

Angry Birds

When does The Farmville Movie come out?

Anna Karenina

Life sucks when you want everything, huh?

Annabelle

Manne-Sin

Annabelle: Creation

Honey, I brought you a playdate … and her soul.

Annie

Orphan-lite: 50% less homeless than regular orphan.

Anomalisa

Stretching the definition of ‘animated’

Anonymous

Y o Will, if you’re gonna pretend this play is yours, at least spell “Shakespeare” correctly.

Answers to Nothing

W ow. That’s so weird. I would have sworn this film answered to ‘Pretentious Crap’.

Ant-Man

Do you want ants? That’s how you get ants.

Anthropoid

Keeping the Nazis in Czech

Apollo 18

H ouston, we have a Direct-to-Video.

Arbitrage

Y ou’d think that much money could buy better peace of mind.

Argo

A real movie about a fake movie regarding a real CIA operation discounted as unacknowledgeable involving a real life crisis masked by a fake drama.

Arrival

Relax, Earthlings, tell me about your mother.

Arthur Christmas

I , Santa, forgot to deliver a Christmas present to child?! Aw, screw it. I’m tired.

As Above, So Below

Yeah, it ‘so b(e)lows’ all right.

Assassin’s Creed

As seen on PlayStation

Atlas Shrugged: Part I

W orst film of the year.

Atomic Blonde

Step aside, bosons

August: Osage County

A nd you thought your family was dysfunctional.

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Guessing late teens, early 20s, maybe. Still seems kinda young and impulsive.

Baby Driver

For when you tee off at miniature golf

Bad Moms

Whatchagonnado? Whatchagonnado when they ‘copter you?

Bad Santa 2

♪Down from the rooftop, click, click, click/ Cracking your safe, it’s old St. Nick♫

Bad Teacher

The one with the three wolves on it. Oh, wait. That’s a ‘bad t-shirt.’

Bad Words

No biscuit!

Badrinath Ki Dulhania

Pretty people with ugly tendencies

Baggage Claim

”I lost my ID Tag and this film sucks!”

Bajrangi Bhaijaan

♪Left off that Midnight Train to Khyber♫

Barbara

…and?

Barbershop: The Next Cut

Ladies and gentlemen, please bring all issues to the shop if you want them resolved. We do not make house calls.

Barfi!

If you can get your mind around the title, the movie is really quite lovely.

Batkid Begins

Plot twist: humans are good!

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

♪Dawn, go away you’re no good for me♫

Battle of Memories (记忆大师)

It’s Barbra Streisand v. Lea Michele!

Battle of the Year

U m, you do realize Miracle was biographical, right?

Battleship

S inks

Baywatch

Like TV, only worse

Bears

Bores.

Beasts of No Nation

Are you depressed yet? Want to be?

Beatriz at Dinner

With dessert, would you prefer decaf or drag-out?

Beautiful Creatures

♪Woo hoo witchy woman … see how long she whines♫

Beauty and the Beast

Reboot-y and you, fleeced

Before I Fall

Poor man’s Groundhog Day, meet poor man’s Mean Girls

Before I Go to Sleep

I pray for a humorless version of 50 First Dates

Before Midnight

T oo early to shake the tambourine?

Before We Go

…make sure to leave all subplots in the ‘off’ position …

Begin Again

“Once?” No, Twice.

Being 17 (Quand on a 17 ans)

A little homework … a little gym class … a little repressed homosexuality

Belle

Fish out of water, 18th C. style.

Ben-Hur

The remake of remakes?

Bernie

U nderstated Jack Black. You might have to read that twice.

Better Living Through Chemistry

A nd by ‘Chemistry,’ they mean drugs.

Beyond the Lights

Um … darks? Cottons? Poly-blends? Don’t leave my laundry untended.

Big Eyes

T he better to two-star you with.

Big Hero 6

A m I the only one who sees this title and thinks ‘Leonard, Part 6’? I hope so.

Big Miracle

P aint-by-blubbers.

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

W ant to be a model, or just look like one?

Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk

Forget the halftime show. Who won the game?

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

D efinitely ‘Bird,’ not ‘Bat, right? Nobody said ‘Bat.’

Birth of the Dragon

Baby dragon is a big jerk.

Black Mass

Is this a deep space documentary?

Black Nativity

O rac(ular) proclivity.

Black or White

And redneck all over.

Blackfish

Six tons of confined frustration

Blackhat

And other forms of acne.

Blade Runner 2049

… for Xbox and Playstation

Blair Witch

Like a chipwich, except that it’s tasteless, soggy , and makes you sick to your stomach.

Bleed for This

Dude, do you have a screw loose?

Blended

Left me shaken, not stirred.

Blue Jasmine

♪Blue ‘Mine, I saw you standing with kin, without a drink in your hand [sic], without an Alec to pwn♫

Blue Ruin

Everybody loves revenge!

Bombay Velvet

My favorite 80s new wave band.

Boo! A Madea Halloween

I think you mean, “A Madea Halloween. Boo.”

Born in China (生在中国)

Starring Matt Damon as LingLing the giant panda

Born to be Wild

R ip-off. In 3D IMAX!

Boulevard

♪is not that bad♫

Boyhood

T welve years in the making. Two minutes in the panning.

Boys of Abu Ghraib

W ell, boys will be … monsters.

Brad’s Status

In a relationship … with anxiety

Brave

B ear with us.

Brick Mansions

Flick (of no) substan-tions.

Bridesmaids

C ome see women get Jackass-level nasty. It’s 80% as funny as men.

Bridge of Spies

… or how to get the most out of your political prisoner exchange …

Bridget Jones’s Baby

How telegraphed do you like your jokes?

Brigsby Bear

The world’s oddest security blanket

Broken City

T hey should get that ‘Fix-It Felix’ guy from Wreck-It Ralph.

Brooklyn

Because movies about immigration and solitude don’t have to involve pain, do they?

Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star

C orrection. Born to Be ½ Star.

Bullet to the Head

F elt more like a knee to the groin.

Bully

R equired viewing for the folks least likely to attend the film in the first place.

Burning Blue

No wonder it’s the warmest color.

Burnt

Palatable

Busco novio para mi mujer

¿Te quieres Phil Collins?”

Butter

See: Parker

By the Sea

Um, no, I’d buy more of a D or D-

Byzantium

Imagine Thelma and Louise as mother-daughter vampires. Not what’s here; I just like imagining it.

Café Society

“Excuse me, waiter, I’d like the bland tea and romance over easy”

Cake

L ayers of pain. A pain-cake, if you will.

Calvary

Well crucify me where I stand; this was quite a film.

Cameraperson

When you really want to make a film, but don’t have a director, plot, crew, or good idea.

Captain America: Civil War

It’s the snobs against the slobs!

Captain America: The First Avenger

T his is your Captian America speaking, we’ll be arriving at a conclusion in approximately two hours.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

But he summers in D.C. … nice.

Captain Fantastic

He’s one of the Avengers, right?

Captain Phillips

J oins Kirk, Ron, EO, Crunch, etc. as great Captains of adventure.

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie

Maybe boxers next time … just sayin’

Captive

Unlike the audience

Carmen 3D

U se the cuspidor-a; that is what it is for-a.

Carol

Even women want to sleep with Rooney Mara.

Carrie

N ext time, whaddaya say we don’t invite Carrie to the prom, eh?

Cars 2

H ere in my car/I can make a sequel/I can bore all the folks/Who are older than five. In cars.

Cars 3

Environment 0

Casa de mi Padre

¡Cuidado! ¡Humor limitado!

Cave of Forgotten Dreams

W ow, another … cave … painting … spectacular. Really.

Central Intelligence

No quotes at all in the title? Are you sure?

Cesar Chavez

U nion Activist, Civil Rights Leader … Piñata?

Chappie

Aw. Our baby has learned how to maim.

Chasing Ice

R eally? Really? C’mon. How fast do glaciers move that we gotta chase ‘em? Oh. Oh s***.

Chasing Mavericks

… or irresponsibility. Whatever.

Chasing the Dragon (追龍)

Bet on the dragon

Chef

Standard recipe food film

Chernobyl Diaries

H oney, let’s build a summer home here.

Chi-Raq

‘Chicago’ to non-South Siders

Chimpanzee

W elcome to the jungle/we’ve got fun and games.

Chinese Zodiac

A n Asian 12-step program.

CHIPS

CHumPs

Chongqing Hot Pot (火锅英雄)

How *not* to steal a million

Christine

No. Not the car.

Chronicle

What if Carrie had a Facebook account?

Chuck

Gonna flay now

Churchill

Downer

Cinderella

A version so generic even the title is a repeat.

Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away

O ne man’s circus is another man’s Hell.

City of Ghosts

Haunted by the living

Closed Circuit

J ohnny 5 is a terrorist? NOOOOO!

Cloud Atlas

A pt title for a murky film that took a world of time to conclude.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

I t’s alive! And delicious!

Cockneys vs Zombies

Now, this is the slobs against the snobs, right?

Coherence

We have met the enemy …

Coin Heist

A two-bit plot. Literally.

Collateral Beauty

Tonight, you’ll be visited by three metaphors …

Collide

When they sort out this mess, perhaps they can retitle it ‘Collate’

Colombiana

T he Zoe Saldana Disrobameter surpasses the jaw-dropping industry standard six halter-top mark.

Colonia

Putting the chill in ‘Chile’

Colossal

Back to the ol’ stomping grounds

Columbus

Sailed well past the Port of Efficiency and into the Sea of Tedium

Compadres

Gordo Gringo Amigo

Conan the Barbarian

S ociopath.

Concussion

All the subtlety of a blunt blow to the head

Contagion

W ow. This thing has spread like … wildfire? Cancer? Mayonnaise? No, that’s not it. Just wait. I’ll get it.

Contraband

N ext time you dump your cargo because of Coast Guard intervention, could you lose the screenplay with it?

Contracted

Ewwwww

Contracted: Phase II

Double ewwwww.

Courageous

N ext on Bible Belt TV: God-fearing men who don’t fear God enough.

Cowboys & Aliens

Y ee – haw! Let’s get to th’ anal probin’, pardners!

Crazy, Stupid, Love

T ell me you don’t love Ryan Gosling yet. I dare you.

Creature

W hile not good, benefits greatly from not being Shark Night 3D.

Creed

(noun): whatever set of beliefs get you to a sequel

Criminal

… to accept this plot

Crimson Peak

TBH, my pique is more in the blue range.

Dabangg 2

H e bangg! He bangg!

Daddy’s Home

And this time, he cares.

Dallas Buyers Club

L ike Costco for AIDS.

Damsels in Distress

a nd disillusionment.

Danny Collins

A l Pacino plays a sleazeball … but the good kind.

Dark Horse

D on’t bet on this long shot.

Dark Shadows

B ased on the television show nobody saw.

Dark Skies

C an Sam come out for an intergalactic playdate? Screw it; we’re done askin’.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

Why are films with ‘Dawn’ in the title always about Armageddon?

Dead Man Down

B ut not out.

Deadpool

Sounds like the fast lane requirement on the commute to Hell.

Dear White People

What’s with the mayonnaise?

Death Race 2050

Felt like it was going to last until 2050

Deepwater Horizon

It could have been worse? What?!

Deliver Us from Evil

Oh, it’s like ‘Deliver Us from Eva,’ except with the word ‘Evil’ instead. That’s clever!

Delivery Man

S end it back.

Demolition

The art of mourning

Despicable Me 2

P roudly riding the coattails of the original.

Despicable Me 3

Despicablest?

Detective Chinatown (唐人街探案)

… meet Inspector Financialdistrict.

Detroit

Lyin’

Devil’s Due

O h yeah, I’m tellin’ ya — you gotta rotate your Devil every few months or you’re gonna get films like this.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

S chadenfreude is a family value.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul

… straight to the 99 cent bin

Dior and I

Hold on. I’ve got some great material here.

Dirty Girl

L ike a training bra in film form.

Dirty Grandpa

Clean it up and I’ve got a shiny one star for ya

Disconnect

H ey, you! Get off that computer and go get a life.

Disney’s Newsies the Broadway Musical

Extra! Extra! Joe Pulitzer is a douche!

Divergent

T raveled a different path than the one where I’m entertained.

Django Unchained

♪Massahs, don’t let your slavies grow up to be cowboys♫

Do I Sound Gay?

Lemme cut to the chase: yes. Yes, you do.

Doctor Strange

What a coincidence! I have a PhD in ‘bizarre’

Dog Eat Dog

Honor among sleaze

Dolphin Tale

O h, crap. We forgot to shoot the love story. Eh, screw it; it’s too long anyway.

Dolphin Tale 2

You realize at some point the tale/tail pun is gonna grow old, right?

Don Jon

B e wise, my brothers; don’t bring a date.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark

T his just in: Katie Holmes? Still pretty.

Don’t Breathe

You can’t tell me what to do

Don’t Go Breaking My Heart 2 (Daan gyun naam yu)

Er … how many times were you planning on breaking my heart?

Don’t Think Twice

The anguish of the untalented.

Dope

Ain’t wack.

Double Trouble

S ingle star.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax

Y ou’d think a guy who lives in a tree would be happier.

Dracula Untold

Or, you know, ‘told’

Draft Day

I’d like to swap this film for a movie to be watched later.

Dream House

D aniel Craig plays a schizophrenic in search of himself; which one forgot to lose the accent?

Dredd 3D

D reddful.

Drive

U h oh. A phone call. Ryan Gosling might have to [Gasp!] speak words.

Drunkboat

H ey, this was a boating accident. But the horror was only in the writing/directing.

Dumb and Dumber To

A deliberate misspelling of ‘too?’ Wa-hell, I’ve got a deliberate miss-adding up to ‘two’ (stars) for ya.

Dunkirk

“Fear itself” is pretty awful

Earth to Echo

Come in Echo; you’re about 32 years late for on-time arrival.

East Side Sushi

What’s Japanese/Spanish for glass ceiling?

Eddie the Eagle

Because nobody thought of ‘Eddie the Emu’ before it stuck

Edge of Tomorrow

Do you like video games?

El Gran Milagro

E l Gran Migraine-o

Elle

The joy of living alone

Elvis & Nixon

I am not a crook. Thankyouverymuch.

Elysium

O n the periodic chart between Unobtanium and Gymnasium.

End of Watch

R inse? Spin? Dry?

Ender’s Game

B eginner’s luck?

Endless Love

W e’ve talked about this .. you don’t put measures of time in the titles of slow-moving films.

Enemy

… us?

Enough Said

T hen this doesn’t need a review, does it?

Entourage

Hey! Celebs are people, too (sort of)!

Epic

F or all your on-line ‘pic’ needs.

Escape from Planet Earth

I ’ll settle for escaping this theater.

Escape Plan

G ood to have one before you sit down to watch this.

Everest

Next time, take the elevator.

Everybody Wants Some!!

I, in fact, would very much prefer some as well, if you please.

Everything Must Go

O n the bright side, it isn’t raining.

Evil Dead

Y ou just can’t keep good, er, evil dead down.

Ex Machina

Robot got back!

Exodus: Gods and Kings

“Let my people go … next door. I hear Big Hero 6 is good.”

Experimenter

Horror film title, weak documentary payoff

Extraction

Aptly, watching this was like having your teeth pulled.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

A sperger’s: more fun than autism.

Eye in the Sky

The horror of omnipotence

Fading Gigolo

An old dog turns some new tricks.

Fallen

… into the $1.99 bin

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

How about not-so-fantastic beasts? They’re easy to find in NYC.

Fantastic Four

Fantastic for whom, exactly?

Far from the Madding Crowd

The Victorian Dating Game

Fast & Furious 6

I live for ampersands.

Fast Five

W hich one is Vin Diesel again? He’s the thick wry-smiled musclehead who only talks to make speeches. Yeah, Ok. Which one is Vin Diesel again?

Félix et Meira

Your life bites, too?! We have so much in common!

Fences

The heart-warming tale of stolen goods merchants

Fifty Shades Darker

One sequel bleaker

Fifty Shades of Black

Zero Shades of Humor

Fifty Shades of Grey

“On Tuesdays, I’m going to pack you in jello for my sexual amusement. Try to keep an open mind.”

Filly Brown

C ame up lame; had to be put down.

Filth

Bad Lieutenant: Edinburgh

Final Destination 5

N ot a film so much as a 3D demo reel.

Finding Dory

Has she tried Hare Krishna?

Fist Fight

Gleaming the Cube and ignoring the cringe

Flatliners

D.O.A.

Flight

a rrived late.

Florence Foster Jenkins

…or as I call her, ‘FFloJenk’

Flying Swords of Dragon Gate (Long men fei jia)

N ow Dragongate does not bother me. Does your conscience bother you?

Focus

Grifting lessons

Footloose

H ave we doomed the next generation into playing “Six Degrees of Kenny Wormald” ?

For a Good Time, Call …

A cab. Anywhere is better than here.

For Here or to Go?

Go. Definitely go.

Fort Tilden

Is being besieged by the shallow.

Foxcatcher

D ream snatcher

Frances Ha

P erfect. An abbreviated title for an abbreviated movie.

Frank

Actually, it wasn’t terse or open in the least.

Frankenweenie

S it! Roll over! Play undead!

Frankie & Alice

Being multiple people is expensive.

Freaks of Nature

… or the nature of freaks

Free Angela and All Political Prisoners

O k, gimme a Bobby Seale and … lessee … a Nelson Mandela.

Free Birds

(Holds up lighter)

Free Fire

[Code for “waste of bullets”]

Free State of Jones

Jones! [/Belloq]

Friend Request

‘unwatch’ ‘UNWATCH’

Friended to Death

You dislike this.

Friends with Kids

S ay, why don’t we just have a baby without all that love or wedlock stuff? Lessee … I can only come up with seven billion reasons not to, but that’s just me.

Fright Night

J erry is scary.

From the Rough

As in ‘Rough Draft?’ Yeah, that I can believe.

From Up on Poppy Hill (Kokuriko-zaka kara)

C omes a tale so boring, you won’t believe it’s animated.

Frozen

Talk about an ice queen …

Fruitvale Station

N ext stop, Blunderland.

Fun Size

E njoy half a film.

Furious 7

But I was already furious at the first six.

Fury

Hell hath none like a fourth star scorned

G.I. Joe: Retaliation

B y ‘Retaliation’ did you mean: ‘We’re gonna make a crappy sequel?’

Gambit

Ain’t Hamlet

Gangster Squad

U ntouchable fraud.

Get Hard

Y ou gotta have Hart to survive.

Get on Up

Give him a minute, son. James Brown has to think about his entire life — wait, we’ve done this …

Get Out

“Too bad we can’t stay”

Getaway

N o. Seriously. Get away.

Ghost in the Shell

Roast in this Hell

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

My Ghost Rider father figure is awesome … until he turns back into Nicolas Cage.

Ghost Team One

D ignity Zero

Ghostbusters

♪Rebootin’ makes me feel goooood♫

Gifted

…aren’t we all? No.

Gimme Shelter

G imme a break.

Girl in Progress

…screenplay in progress, direction in progress, acting in progress…

Girlfriend Boyfriend

R ed friend, blue friend

Girlfriend’s Day

The revenge of Hallmark

Girls Trip

Girls trippin’

Glee: The 3D Concert Movie

S inging? Wouldn’t you rather see irrelevant sob stories of people you don’t know?

Gnomeo & Juliet

S orry, Gnomeo. I’m in love with the Travelocity mascot. He’s all man.

God’s Not Dead

S ubtlety, however …

God’s Not Dead 2

Our Lord and Almighty, Jason Vorhees

God’s Pocket

Lined with losers.

Gods of Egypt

Were white? Who knew?

Godzilla

♪History shows again and again Hollywood cashing [in on] the folly of man♫

Going in Style

Dylan Thomas approved

Gold

Fools

Gone

C ame and went.

Gone Girl

C ome for the mystery. Stay for the pain.

Good Deeds

C ongrats, Tyler. This one is just boring.

Gook

I’m not entirely comfortable even with making a joke of this title.

Goon

No autopsy, no foul

Goosebumps

Ermahgerd!

Grandma

Not the doily type

Gravity

H olds a strong attraction.

Green Room

Just like the Oscars under the tyranny of Bob Hope.

Grown Ups 2

T here were grown-ups in this movie? Really? Where were they?

Grudge Match

R ocky VII, Raging Bull II

Guardians of the Galaxy

Kinda like a universal A-Team.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Get ready for a soundtrack

Hacksaw Ridge

My fav NFL Middle Linebacker

Hail, Caesar!

That’s how I order a salad during the business lunch rush.

Hamilton’s America

Good luck getting tickets, suckers!

Hanna

M y girl? She’s sunshine, daisies and badass.

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

Eye of newt, and toe of frog, wool of bat, and rating of Green Hornet.

Happy Feet Two

C rappy sheet, too.

Hardcore Henry

Check it out: I’m a tool.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

I s it over already? Aw, gee wiz.

Haywire

Y ou can put a tiara on a box turtle, but it’s still a box turtle.

Headhunters (Hodejegerne)

From white collar to blue collar to brown collar

Heart of a Dog

Baying at the loon

Heaven Is for Real

Um … that’s great. How about the other place? ‘Cuz I’m a tad more concerned about that one.

Hector and the Search for Happiness

Have you tried Disneyland?

Hell and Back

.. or ‘A Visit to My Aunt Ada’s’ ..

Hell or High Water

Ummm, I’ll take my chances with the water, thank you.

Hello, My Name Is Doris

Hello, Doris. Oh, did we have a hard time coming up with a title to our film?

Her

S he doesn’t have a body and yet, she’s still too good for you.

Hercules

The Dread Pirate Hercules, I see.

Here Comes the Boom

… there goes my lunch.

Hidden Figures

Almost as hard to find as Hidden Fences

Hit and Run

H it & miss

Hitchcock

f or The Birds.

Hitchcock/Truffaut

A.K.A. ‘Hitchcock’

Hitman: Agent 47

Primed to make an impression

Holy Motors

S poil-proof.

Home

On the strange.

Homefront

W hat a Sly screenplay! That’s ‘Sly’ the nickname, not the adjective.

Hope Springs

W hile it’s not too late to save your marriage, it is probably too late to get your money back.

Horns

They’re terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future

Horrible Bosses

J ason Bateman plays the same role in every film … but that’s OK.

Horrible Bosses 2

Be your own horrible boss.

Hot Bot

Plot not

Hot Pursuit

Like ‘The Heat,’ only lamer.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2

Can we just go back to the first one, then?

Hotel Transylvania

Y ou can check out any time you like … no, I’m finished.

Hotel Transylvania 2

A whole new take on what constitutes ‘horror’

House at the End of the Street

W hat’s with the lack of a definite article to start the title?

How to Be a Latin Lover

Repeat after me: amo, amas, amat…

How to Be Single

Pffft. That’s the easy one. How to be married is the challenge.

How to Train Your Dragon 2

Parents, I know animation is adorable, but don’t leave the kids alone for this one, ok?

Hugo

S ay, um, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare key for the robot I found, would you?

Hungry Hearts

Famished

Hunt for the Wilderpeople

It’s beestly

Hush

She’s already a deaf mute. Is that not good enough?

Hyde Park on Hudson

S ay, FDR, any chance you have some, um, er, Presidentin’ to do? No? Fine. Carry on.

Hysteria

N ot to be confused with the Def Leppard album.

I Am Eleven

Yeah? Well, I’m sober. We’re both out of luck.

I Don’t Know How She Does It

Y eah, I don’t either. That’s four awful films in a row for Sarah Jessica Parker.

I Origins

Pretty sure it came from Greek. Unless you mean the philosophical construct of self; please attribute that to Hulk Hogan.

I, Frankenstein

d o solemnly swear not to suck … oh, crap.

I.T.

Phone in!

I’ll See You in My Dreams

Not if I see you first

Ice Age: Collision Course

Hey kids, how about some grown up topics?

Ice Age: Continental Drift

Z zzzzzzzz … what? Huh? Oh, sorry. I drifted …

Ida

–know; maybe it’s not so good.

Identity Thief

S hould have stolen a different screenplay.

If I Stay

There will be trouble … well, not so much trouble as pain. Much pain.

Immortals

S illy headgear is timeless.

In Secret

And let’s just keep it that way.

In the Heart of the Sea

‘Blowhole’ doesn’t have quite the same ring as ‘Jaws’

In the Name of My Daughter (L’homme qu’on aimait trop)

Recognition that true-to-life events could well inspire a quality film, just not this one.

In Time

T ime is money. Literally.

In Your Eyes

Check it out, I’m hot!

Incarnate

The Exorcinception

Independence Day: Resurgence

20 years later … we still haven’t bothered naming the alien race.

Inferno

Howard, Brown and Hanks are at it again

Infinitely Polar Bear

Because parenting is about being there … and nothing more.

Ingrid Goes West

Screenplay goes South

Inherent Vice

Would you like some drugs with your drugs?

Inhumans

Insufferable

Inside Llewyn Davis

There’s a creamy center of ‘mooch.’

Inside Out

♪Feelings♫

Insidious: Chapter 2

I nsidiouser.

Insidious: Chapter 3

Prequel? ‘Pre-dead?’

Instructions Not Included (No se Aceptan Devoluciones)

I ’ll just wing it then, shall I?

Insurgent

Tris is clearly the rebellion leader we’ve been waiting for; she cut her hair.

Interstellar

I nter -not so- stellar.

Into the Storm

Putting the ‘fun’ in funnel.

Into the Woods

A nd a forest of clichés

Intruders

M a’am, please stay calm; I’m just here to steal your face.

Ip Man 3 (葉問3)

It’s Ip to be cubed.

Iron Man 3

S uit yourself.

Irrational Man

He’s probably a radical (or under one)

Island of Lemurs: Madagascar

L eapin’ lemurs!

It

To be followed by an even more sinister sequel: ‘HR Support’

It Comes at Night

Is it staying? I’ll put out the good towels.

It Follows

♪Don’t bring it home, no, no, doncha bring it home♫

Ixcanul

(Not Constantinople)

J. Edgar

I s this true or Bolshevik?

Jack and Jill

Y es. It’s exactly as bad as it looks.

Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart (Jack et la mécanique du coeur)

Bong. Bong. Bong. This blows! This blows! This blows!

Jack Reacher

C ruise control.

Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

Aw. He thinks he’s people.

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit

O K, if he sees his shadow, do we have six weeks of nuclear winter?

Jack the Giant Slayer

FEE FI FO FELL! We didn’t think this through so well.

Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa

B ad! No hookers for you!

Jackie

Blue

Jafar Panahi’s Taxi

Because Iran has probably outlawed Uber, too

Jagga Jasoos (जग्गा जासूस)

Encyclopedia Brown and the international arms dealer

Jai Ho

H i, Jo!

Jane Eyre

S orry. It takes more than costumes and fog to convince me two people are in love.

Jane Got a Gun

… and a whole mess o’ problems

Jason Bourne

…to Run

Jazbaa

It’s Single Female ^Hindi^ Lawyer

Jeff, Who Lives at Home

a nd watches Signs.

Jem and the Holograms

You can see right through them.

Jersey Boys

♪Who loves you?♫ Not I.

Jimi: All Is by My Side

Just so long as you don’t put it on screen or anything.

Jinn

I thought we were playing ‘Go Fish.’

Jobs

A corporate subdivision of Apple, Inc. All rights reserved.

Joe

D’oh!

John Carter

J ust hit B and A at the same time for a Super Jump.

John Wick

Burning the scandal at both ends.

John Wick: Chapter 2

Thwarting anew all ‘-apedia’ suffix convention

Johnny English Reborn

H i, I’m Rowan Atkinson. Wait, come back!

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island

Y ou’d think Dwayne Johnson would prefer to sing ‘rock’, no?

Joy

of rooking

Joyful Noise

C ome for the singing, stay for the sermon.

Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer

W elcome to SteelFrogBlog and the not enthralled fall.

Jumping the Broom

W hat says, ‘I love you’ more than choosing friends over bride on wedding eve?

Jupiter Ascending

Stupider Ascending

Jurassic World

This sure looks like derivative – I bet you’re not even dino-sorry about it.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D

Awwww. Can’t I say, ‘never’ just once? Pleeeeeease?

Justin Bieber’s Believe

N o longer in 3D — well I couldda told you that.

Kaboom

P ersonally, I’d avoid titling my film after the sound effect of a bomb exploding.

Kai po che!

A ll the excitement of cricket matched with the sheer fun of political bigotry.

Kapoor and Sons

You realize this is what we name companies, right? Is your family a business?

Katy Perry: Part of Me

S he’s pretty inspirational for someone who dresses like a human Pez dispenser.

Keanu

Keanu Reeves was not harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Kedi

“No, Kedi! That’s a bad Kedi!”

Keeping Up with the Joneses

JONESES! [/Belloq]

Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain

U m … go right ahead.

Kevin Hart: What Now?

Are you asking me? Seems rhetorical

Ki and Ka

He’s a house husband; she’s a mover and shaker; they fight often. There’s your film.

Kick-Ass 2

T aking names.

Kicks

… just keep getting’ harder to find.

Kidnap

I’ll take the regular nap through this one, thank you

Kill Me Three Times

Or once … or not at all.

Kill the Messenger

… or simply discredit him; in this country, it amounts to the same.

Killer Elite

S uccessfully assassinated two hours of my life.

Killing Them Softly

W ho? The audience? Yeah, that sounds right.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle

Undead action hero Colin Firth … I’m just gonna let that one sink in.

Kingsman: The Secret Service

When they aren’t putting Humpty Dumpty back together again, that is.

Kon-Tiki

F or information, please consult Tikipedia.

Kong: Skull Island

Jurassic Park 5

Krampus

My stylus?

Krrish 3

H ow do you say ‘X-Men’ in Hindi?

Kubo and the Two Strings

And a new #17 Across is born.

Kumiko, the Treasure Hunter

You couldn’t wait to visit Minnesota in, I dunno, at least the spring?

Kung Fu Panda 2

T he panda is B(l)ack, and so is the pandering.

Kung Fu Panda 3

Even more kung fu pandering

Kung Fury (short)

Beware the Kung Führer.

Kung-Fu Yoga (功夫瑜伽)

Come for the fightin’, stay for the dancin’

La La Land

Home of the Smurfs?

Labor Day

I love you, convict ‘dad!’

Ladrones

Meet the Hispanic A-Team

Laggies

Are the good titles were taken then, eh?

Landline

1995 called.

Larry Crowne

P otential R material in a PG package.

Last Vegas

D on’t just let it stay in Vegas, MAKE it stay in Vegas.

Laughing to the Bank

B eats cryin’ at one.

Lawless

P ointless.

Le Quattro Volte (The Four Times)

A goat is now the protagonist? Seriously?

Le tout nouveau testament (The Brand New Testament)

…and now a reading from the book of François the Assassin …

Lee Daniels’ The Butler

W hite House Frown.

Left Behind

… at the box office.

Legend

The Krays Craze

Les Misérables

H ey … HEY! That one guy over there isn’t miserable at all! Go kill his family or something.

Les saisons (Seasons)

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Let’s Be Cops

Or, you know, felons.

Letters from Baghdad

Dear Imperialists – Sooner or later you’re going to realize the oil isn’t worth it. Love, Baghdad

Life

Putting the “d’oh!” in Play-Doh

Life of Crime

The lighter side of kidnapping.

Life of Pi

I rrational and unending.

Lights Out

…but only if you don’t want to live.

Like Crazy

A h, to be young, pretty, in love … and kind of stupid.

Limitless

W ell, you shouldn’t have divided by zero, then.

Lincoln

B e excellent to each other … wait, that’s not right.

Lion

Calcuttaway forever

Little Boy

Thank goodness, somebody else died and not the guy we knew.

Live by Night

What are you, a vampire?

Locke

Talk.

Lockout

H ey, Snake Plissken found his eye! And got a shave and a shower while he was at it. Well, a shave at least.

Logan

L’il Wolverine

Logan Lucky

Logaaaaaan [/Colonel Klink]

London Has Fallen

What’s next? ’10 Downing Down?’

Lone Survivor

Y ou’re just gonna give away the ending right there in the title, huh?

Look Who’s Back (Er ist wieder da)

Wonder how often he’d get trolled with comparisons to Hitler?

Looper

N ot only does the future suck … so does time travel.

Lost in Paris (Paris pieds nus)

Have you tried Henri Krishna?

Lost in Thailand

F ound in the 99 cent bin.

Love & Friendship

& the recurring world of Jane Austen

Love & Mercy

& Schizophrenia

Love in the Buff (Chun giu yu chi ming)

W oody Allen … Beijing style.

Love Is Strange

Only if you’re doing it right.

Love the Coopers

Whatever that means

Loving

Sometimes just ain’t enough

Lowriders

And lower expectations to match

Lucy

Floosy, then choosy, you see?

Ma vie de Courgette (My Life as a Zucchini)

It’s never too early to discuss matricide with your children.

Machete Kills

I n between maiming and snarling, that is.

Mad Max: Fury Road

The morning commute gets violent.

Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted

W e’ve evolved beyond Madagascar.

Madea’s Witness Protection

C an you protect me from having witnessed this?

Madea’s Big Happy Family

B ecause what’s funnier than misogyny?

Maggie

She was a teenage zombie.

Magic in the Moonlight

Tragic in the spotlight.

Magic Mike

‘Magic Johnson’ was already taken.

Magic Mike XXL

Which means what, exactly? ‘XXL’ describes nothing in this film.

Magician: The Astonishing Life and Work of Orson Welles

We will make no documentary before its time?

Maleficent

Hell hath no fury …

Mama

♪…just killed a man. Put her tentacles round his head, sucked his life force now he’s dead …♫

Man of Steel

Supermeh.

Man of Tai Chi

S o what isn’t a potential martial art? Spelunking? Numismatics?

Man on a Ledge

I give up. Just what exactly did this ‘Manon’ allege?

Man Up

Woman on deck

Man Up

… brought to you by children. Fully grown, adult-sized children.

Manchester by the Sea

Home is where the Hell is

Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom

O r is that a Long Talk to Freedom?

Manifesto

Me-detest-o

Margin Call

E conomy? What economy?

Mars Needs Moms

A nd screenwriters.

Martha Marcy May Marlene

T hat’s a lot of names for a f***ed up girl.

Más negro que la noche

Más estupido que The Haunting

Mascots

Best Dressed in Show

Masterminds

Oh, irony. I get it.

Matt Shepard Is a Friend of Mine

You’re not alone.

Maudie

Love by default

Max

Not-so-mad, but has fleas.

Max Steel

Min QC

Maximum Ride

Somebody’s homework made it to Netflix

Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials

Don’t get burned

McFarland, USA

Takes a strong third, ahead of Emotion, but well behind Logic, Facts.

Me and Earl and the Dying Girl

Yes. Yet another teen at death’s door.

Me Before You

Except after ‘C’…?

Mechanic: Resurrection

Can he save my ’85 Peugeot?

Meet the Blacks

Have you met? Blacks, Half-Star. Half-Star, Blacks. You two will get along quite well, I’m sure.

Meet the Patels

All of them?! Do you know how many there are?”

Megan Leavey

Woman’s best friend

Melancholia

Score another for Lars von Laughriot!

Memories of the Sword (협녀: 칼의 기억)

This one time … I was stuck in a stone at Disneyland for ages until Goofy rescued me …

Men in Black III

T hey’re really, really, really in black this time. We’re totally serious.

Men, Women & Children

The family that texts together is vexed together.

Metallica Through the Never

b ut … but … I don’t like this Neverland.

Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life

So you’re taking it out on us? Brilliant.

Midnight in Paris

C ustom time/space travel, eh? Well I’d really like to be in Washington, D.C. in 1865. No? Barring that, could I at least have missed 7th grade?

Midnight Special

Dude, can you turn your child off? Thanks.

Mifune: The Last Samurai

Shogun me the money!

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates

Do they? Do they, really?

Miles Ahead

The Miles Teller Story

Million Dollar Arm

What’s that in rupees?

Minions

Gee, it worked with those Madagascar Penguins.

Miracles from Heaven

As opposed to those found in mayonnaise hybrids.

Mirror Mirror

… on the wall/should I care about this film at all?

Misconduct

Another sequel to Slap Shot?

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Time for another movie falcon, eh?

Miss Sloane

Sounds like Sallie Mae’s enforcer

Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation

Sometimes you gotta catch a plane.

Mistress America

The girl the U.S. is seeing on the side.

Moana

Princess, eh? Where are your elbow-length gloves, then?

Moka

Too latte to review

Moms’ Night Out

Please be back at a reasonable hour, to, you know, repair all the interim damage we made.

Money Monster

The finale in a most disjointed Pixar trilogy

Moneyball

W hat if Brad Pitt played you in real life? Ok, that never happens. But Brad Pitt playing my father; that’s what Moneyball feels like to me.

Monkey Kingdom

Thank you, Disney. This one is palatable.

Monster Hunt (捉妖记)

Proving crappy 3D is the ideal babysitter for all cultures.

Monster Trucks

Are they calling?

Monsters University

S aaaaaaafety film … Saaaaaaafety film

Moonlight

You can’t fight it

Moonrise Kingdom

A cult film for the kids.

Morgan

♪That’s androgyny, it’s Pat!, er, I mean, Lee!♫

Mortdecai

Stifling my own gag reflex.

Mother!

F***er!

Mother’s Day

I can’t wait for Garry Marshall’s ‘Judgment Day’

Mountain Men

Not exactly Sir Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay

Movie 43

Y ou won’t believe how much talent went into this turd.

Mr. Church

Eddie Murphy v2.0

Mr. Holmes

Peep dis, Homes.

Mr. Peabody & Sherman

A dog and his boy. And a time machine. And “history.”

Mr. Popper’s Penguins

T hey’re kinda like a mobile STD.

Much Ado about Nothing

C alling all Whedon homies! Will all Joss Whedon stable players kindly report to his house for some culture?

Mud

… is thicker than water. He’s also thicker than your standard wooden plank.

Muppets Most Wanted

G onzo and Dr. Teeth. Then I’ll have the whole set!

Mustang

My big dreadful Turkish wedding

My All American

And that’s why God invented football

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

Bigger, Fatter, Greeker, Weddinger.

My Week with Marilyn

G ood-bye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all … but some other poor schlub sure did.

Nebraska

Y es, Toto, Kansas is where fantasies begin; this is where they come to die.

Need for Speed

N o, I need ‘ludes.

Neighbors

Excuse me, but could you spare a cup of reefer?

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising

Young women can be assholes, too!

Nerve

How about a nice game of chess?

New Year’s Eve

I f you can’t get laid in Times Square on New Year’s Eve, you’re probably in the cast.

Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb

P ssst. The secret is it still sucks.

Night Moves

G6 to H8, check explosives.

Nightcrawler

Cold blooded

Nine Lives

Look who’s phoning

No Escape

No surrender

No Good Deed

Nor bad movie choice goes unpunished.

No manches Frida

Yeah, Frida, save it.

Noah

N oah more-ah.

Nocturnal Animals

… and where to find them

Non-Stop

T ake a flyer on something else.

Norm of the North

Let’s leave this one out in the cold.

Norman

Oh goody, a guy who doesn’t leave.

Now You See Me

N ow you … wait a sec, this will work, really, now you … aw rats.

Now You See Me 2

Don’t say it. I’ve covered that point in the first paragraph.

Nuts!

And by ‘Nuts’ they mean testicles. Seriously.

Nymphomaniac, Vol. I & Vol. II

W ant to hate sex? Have I got a movie for you.

Obit

Getting in the last word

Oblivion

O K, who broke the Earth this time?

Obvious Child

Scandalous? Mild.

Oculus

Innocuous? Hardly.

Office Christmas Party

The Office Dump-o

Okja

Bong Joon-Soooooooooo-ey!

Oldboy

I didn’t order a Josh Brolin. Send it back.

Olympus Has Fallen

A wwww, isn’t that sweet? Olympus learned to love again.

One Day

O ne day lad, this will all be yours. ‘What? The curtains?’ No, the failed romance of course.

One Direction: This Is Us

W ell it sure isn’t me.

One for the Money

T wo for “Hell, no!”

One Mile Above (Kora)

T he lesser known Tour de Tibet.

Only Lovers Left Alive

Only insomniacs left awake.

Ouija

Next time, I want to be the race car.

Ouija: Origin of Evil

I would have guessed that was more of a Twister attribute.

Our Brand Is Crisis

Conservative Politics 101

Our Idiot Brother

I t’s Paul Rudd’s turn to play Spicoli.

Our Kind of Traitor

Oh, did they take a ‘What Kind of Traitor Are You?’ quiz

Out of the Furnace

… and into the skillet?

Outcast

Hey ya!

Oz the Great and Powerful

W elcome to the land of snoOZe.

Pacific Rim

W hat is our obsession with mega maladroit fighting robots?

Paddington

B eats the stuffing out of Pooh.

Pain & Gain

S prain of brain.

Pan

That’s not all I’m gonna do to this.

Panic 5 Bravo

M ore thought went into this cryptic title than into the film itself.

Papa Hemingway in Cuba

The impotence of seeing Ernest

Paper Towns

Advanced origami

Paranoia

♪Self destroy-AH!♫ Yeah, I’m decidedly more interested in the song than the film.

Paranormal Activity 3

H oney, did you forget to walk the ghost?

Paranormal Activity 4

W ait. The devil child doesn’t want to play video games? My thesis is all wrong.

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension

… one more dimension than existed in the screenplay …

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

N ext time, can we lose the found footage?

ParaNorman

O n behalf of the dead, I’d just like to say, ‘mistakes were made’ …

Parental Guidance

U nnecessary

Pariah

I mportant safety tip for you LGBT teens out there – don’t come out in the middle of a family fight.

Paris Can Wait

And by “Paris,” they mean “plot”

Parker

P eters out.

Parkland

♪JFK/Blown away/What else happened on that day?♫

Passengers

Fasten your podbelts, its going to be a bumpy (and very long) night

Paterson

Same size as life

Patriots Day

Yeah, but did the Sox win?

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

Not a single word in this title makes me interested.

Pawn Sacrifice

Miracle on checkerboard?

Pay the Ghost

I’ve got some potter’s clay. Would you like that? I hear you guys love that stuff.

Pee-wee’s Big Holiday

Let’s be clear here – it’s not an adventure; it’s a holiday. Definitely not an adventure.

Peeples

♪who need Peeples … are the sorriest peoples in the world♫

Penguins of Madagascar

A re now everywhere but

People Like Us

T hey do? Awesome!

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

S on of Poseidon, you have been given a great gift: a sequel.

Perfect Sense

Smell you later

Pete’s Dragon

Well, wake him up earlier, then

Phillauri (फिल्लौरी)

Hindi for “Tree Loving?”

Philomena

G reek for ‘Love of Three Stars’

Phoenix

Curdling from the ashes

Phoenix Forgotten

Let’s hope so

Piku

Hindi for ‘crap’

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Except this one, I’m guessing

Pitch Perfect

I t’s like You Got Served, only with privileged snots … oh, and it didn’t suck.

Pitch Perfect 2

Can we now expect an Anna Kendrick/Snoop Dogg Christmas album?

Pixels

Gimme a quarter! I need to save the world!

PK

Why, yes, I am ‘piqued.’

Planes

F rom the files of NO Imagination Screenplay, Etc.

Planes: Fire & Rescue

Plain: Tired & Tedious-cue

Players

B ecause ‘The Punjabi Job’ just wasn’t gonna cut it.

Playing for Keeps

G o ahead and keep it.

Plush

*Flush*

Poesía sin fin (Endless Poetry)

I cannot tell whether this is blissful homage or cautionary tale.

Point Break

Whoa?

Poltergeist

Next time? Don’t buy the house on the site of the former graveyard. Duh.

Pompeii

B lew.

Power Rangers

For when real superheroes just aren’t your thing

Premium Rush

P eople, people. What’s wrong with the subway?

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Just as Jane Austen imagined it.

Prisoners

i n any way you care to describe.

Project Almanac

Woohoo, a time machine! Let’s go wreck that Chem quiz!

Project X

W hy?

Prometheus

I believe that’s Greek for ‘Alien.’

Promised Land

Mopeyball

Puerto Ricans in Paris

Technically two Americans in Paris … so where was the dancing?

Pulling Strings

, fingers.

Puss in Boots

N o, kitty. That’s a bad kitty.

Quartet

O ld Timers Day at the opera house.

Queen of Katwe

Bit early in the century for Uganda to get its quota of good news, yes?

R.I.P.D.

R eynolds Isn’t Particularly Discriminating

Race

“You can win, Jesse!”[/Eddie Murphy]

Rage

Or the phoned-in equivalent thereof

Rampart

W oody is about two stripes away from Bad Lieutenant.

Rarandoi Veduka Chudham

Don’t know what that means? Don’t worry. Only 74 million people in the world do.

Ratchet & Clank

Kitschy and Rank

Raw (Grave)

Who’s up for some French finger food?

Real Steel

R eal stupid.

Red 2

I love being read to, but didn’t like Red 2. What’s up with that?

Red Dawn

♪It’s raining (North Korean) men, hallelu-Jong♫

Red Hook Summer

G ood book bummer.

Red Lights

H ead fights.

Red Tails

A frican-American story eschews Tyler Perry and gets a thumbs-up. Coincidence?

Repentance

Y ou can start with atoning for this film.

Resident Evil: Retribution

R esident Evil n where n>3.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter

And then it ends, right? Please tell me this franchise ends.

Ricki and the Flash

‘Trainwreck’ applied to the wrong film.

Riddick

-ulous.

Ride Along

L ike a sing-along without music … or fun.

Ride Along 2

Um … no thanks. I can walk.

Rings

Wrath

Rio 2

Only one letter (and dozens of winning jokes) from ‘Riot’

Rise of the Guardians

F all of the Legends.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

D r. James Franco. Calling DOCTOR James Franco. Please report to fiction, STAT!

Risen

Like cream. Mmmm. How much Savior do you take with coffee?

Robocop

I f he gets laid off, does he become ‘Hobocop?’

Robot & Frank

Today on cable 44, right after Bugs Bunny & Pals!

Rock Dog

Schlock Dog

Rock of Ages

W hich ages, exactly? Is this a test?

Rock the Kasbah

I half-wish the Clash were dead, so they could roll in their graves.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

The Death Star is back!

Room

to lament

Rosewater

Iran, so far away.

Rough Night

Very Bad Things, Too

Ruby Sparks

S ick of your love life? Invent a new one.

Rules Don’t Apply

Donald Trump’s honest campaign slogan

Run All Night

Or whatever you’d call Liam Neeson’s running-like movement.

Runner Runner

R umb & Rumber.

Rush

t o acclaim … and then a meander back to reality

Sabotage

U ndermined my afternoon.

Safe

Q uite possibly the least apt word to describe any character in a Jason Statham movie.

Safe Haven

I t’s like ‘New Haven’ only, apparently, you’d want to be there.

Safe House

A w, gee. We just got to the waterboarding.

Safety Not Guaranteed

M ediocrity, however …

Samba

Dancing its way to irrelevance.

San Andreas

Faulty

Sanctum

W atching douchebag after douchebag die painfully isn’t as entertaining as one would hope.

Sandy Wexler

Remind me to stop watching Netflix

Sarah’s Key

F inally. An answer to ‘what’s a velodrome?’ and ‘what would it look like if there were actually people in it?’

Sausage Party

A monumental achievement in sexual innuendo

Savages

J ust because I’m watching this film doesn’t mean I’m awake by the end of it.

Saving Mr. Banks

Bless you, Walt Disney, for making the world a better place – through constant unfettered manipulation.

Scary MoVie

S cariest part was the ticket price. And the funniest part.

Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

Zombies don’t need no stinking (merit) badges.

Season of the Witch

Ok, did anybody remember to bring a battle axe?

Secret in Their Eyes

It sure wasn’t in the recycled screenplay.

Seeking Justice

…or maybe a paycheck.

Self/less

We’re doing the body switch thing again? Really?

Selma

In my heart of hearts, I wish this history weren’t relevant today.

Serena

Is this a sequel to Venus?

Seven Psychopaths

O ne sane guy. Not a good ratio.

Seventh Son

Jeff Bridges and Julianne Moore together again?! Why, this is just like Big Lebowski.

Sex Tape

Another chance at Jason Segel nudity … where do I sign up?

Shame

J ust because you wish to make a film for adults doesn’t mean you have to make an adult film.

Shark Night 3D

Y ou could have written this while passed out in a drunken stupor. Wait. Did you? Think carefully.

Shaun the Sheep Movie

First: do no farm

She’s Dating the Gangster

Don’t get excited; ‘gangster’ in Tagalog translates better as ‘rebel.’

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

“This is a little over the top.” “No shit, Sherlock. ”

Sherlock: The Abominable Bride

The review is afoot!

Short Term 12

Try not to feel any emotion here; these kids are screwed.

Shut In

In, Up, whatever

Sicario

Spanish for ‘Illicit Justice’

Side Effects

M ay include drowsiness and a loss of two hours of your life.

Silence

… of the fans

Silent Hill: Revelation 3D

R evelation: Silent Hill is not much fun.

Silent House

Q uick: exactly how many people are in your house right now? Are you sure?

Silver Linings Playbook

Y ou know it’s fiction, ‘cuz Eagles fans are described as human.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

Or at least manslaughter for. Sort of.

Sinbad: The Fifth Voyage

T o Hell, perhaps? No, that’s where the audience went.

Sing

Falls flat

Sing Street

John Carney’s third album

Sinister

A wwww. Evil home movies. Ain’t that cute?

Sinister 2

Insidiouser

Sisters

Project XX

Skiptrace (絕地逃亡)

Jackie and Jackass

Skyfall

We trade Bond’s gadgetry for Javier Bardemmetry. Can we trade back?

Sleeping Beauty

…and the voluntary roofie

Sleeping with Other People

Why stop there?

Sleepless

Shameless

Sleight

… of plan

Smurfs: The Lost Village

More Smurfs. Pinch me.

Snatched

Of the synonyms for ‘Taken,’ this is by far the most suggestive.

Snitch

I love my dead-weight son!

Snow White and the Hunstman

A world in which Charlize Theron is jealous of Kristen Stewart … ladies, gentlemen, we have now officially taken this Twilight thing too far.

Snowden

Patriot, traitor … or asshole?

Snowpiercer

Think that makes a better Bond villain or X-Man name?

Something from Nothing: The Art of Rap

I can’t believe this many rappers are still alive.

Son of God

I s this another Thor film?

Source Code

B oxing Jake Gyllenhaal

Southpaw

Jake the Ripped-er

Southside with You

Love in the age of Spike Lee

Spare Parts

If you find an education or a Green Card in there, gimme a shout.

Spark: A Space Tail

Snark: Deal with it

Sparkle

F izzle.

Spectre

Sphinctre

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Arachno-noob-ia

Split

Go ahead. Take off.

Spotlight

The heart-warming story of predatory pedophilic sexual abuse covered up by the Catholic Church

Spring Breakers

W oo! Beach! Woo! T & A! Woo! Message! Woo! Wait. What was that?

Spy

SPoofY.

Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D

A nd at 89 minutes, it still feels like all the time in the world.

St. Vincent

Patron saint of druncles.

Stalingrad

O r as it’s called in America: AvP.

Stand Up Guys

O h yeah. A Geritol-style beat-down.

Star Trek Beyond

Safe-ty mission! Safe-ty mission!

Star Trek Into Darkness

N o, Star Trek, stay away from the light! Don’t go into the light!

Step

Dancing towards a degree

Step Up All In

Y eah, it stepped up all in it, all right.

Step Up Revolution

T hose dancing kids have made me rethink my political views.

Steve Jobs

Yeah, jobbing isn’t all he does.

Still Alice

T he title says ‘still,’ but the portrait is actually very moving.

Stoker

Stoker? I don’t even know h– aw, this is too easy.

Stolen

Two hours of my life.

Stories We Tell

O nce upon a time, there was a starlet who didn’t know her parentage …

Storks

Will maternity leave delay the DVD release?

Straight Outta Compton

And into the fire

Strange Magic

When you want to remake Beauty and the Beast, but don’t want to pay the rights

Straw Dogs

C heck it out – a rare film in which the rural South is depicted as backwards.

Stronger

Faster and higher weren’t options

Sucker Punch

A bout as feminist as a whorehouse.

Suffragette

What?! You want a shiny nickel a week for 80 hours work AND the vote? You’re insane!

Suicide Squad

Opening up a whole new avenue of cosplay.

Sully

How to create a strawman

Super 8

A re you sure this isn’t E.T.? It looks a lot like E.T.

Surprise (万万没想到)

Everybody loves demons

Survivor

♪It’s the eye of the badger/the frill of the plight♫

Sweetwater

S ourland.

Swiss Army Man

Harry Potter and the Flatulent Corpse

T2 Trainspotting

Getting closer … almost saw a train in this one.

Tab Hunter Confidential

(me, when giving private indenting lessons)

Table 19

The appendix footnote is now a feature length film!

Take This Waltz

P lease!

Taken 2

M istaken.

Taken 3

T he man with the skill set is back, and *what a coincidence* he needs his skill set again!

Tammy

Thelma and Louise Part II

Tangerine

Nightmare

Te3n

3/7ths of ‘Se7en’

Ted

I f you go out in the Fens today, you’re in for a big surprise.

Ted 2

Taste 0

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

R eptiles. Pffft.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

What sadist decided a sequel was a good idea?

Temporary Family (失戀急讓)

Temporarily entertained me.

Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

F orgive me, father, for I have made yet another holier-than-thou piece-of-crappier-than-thou film.

Teri Meri Kahaani

A w, these kids just can’t get break … in any lifetime.

Terminator Genisys

Geez. Somebody teach our robot overlords how to spell.

Testament of Youth

Seems a fairly pretentious way of saying ‘My Diary,’ no?

Texas Chainsaw 3D

M assacred my afternoon.

Thanks for Sharing

A ny coeds out there addicted to movie bloggers? Don’t be shy.

That Awkward Moment

w hen you realize you’ve attended an R-rated Zac Efron film.

That’s My Boy

W ell it certainly isn’t your dignity.

The 33

Ah, it’s a deep-dish sausage fest.

The 5th Wave

Sounds like Step 37 of my in-laws saying ‘good-bye’

The Accountant

Crunching numbers, skulls

The Adjustment Bureau

M atty and the Hat Club.

The Adventures of Tintin

I s he afraid of snakes, too?

The Age of Adaline

Love is timeless … unless, of course, it’s really inconvenient.

The Amazing Spider-Man

S pider-Man is back! And he’s got a new font!

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

When you’ve loved and lost like a spider, um, odds are you’re dead.

The Artist

S hhhhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting Oscaws.

The Avengers

T hese guys need a Legion of Doom.

The B-Side: Elsa Dorfman’s Portrait Photography

You won’t believe who gets a movie these days

The Babadook

Is this a jook?

The Beaver

T alk to the hand.

The Beguiled

The pig, isled

The Belko Experiment

The corporate world can be so cut-throat

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I ndia for beginners.

The Best Man Holiday

C ome for the opulence; stay because the week isn’t over.

The Best of Me

Hate to see the worst.

The Best Offer

I’ll trade you Geoffrey Rush for Jeremy Irons and a geezer to be named later.

The BFG

The ‘F’ does not stand for what I think it does … The ‘F’ does not stand for what I think it does…

The Big Short

The mother of oxymorons

The Big Sick

You’ve Got Kumail

The Big Wedding

S orry, but without ‘fat’ or ‘Greek,’ I am unable to recognize this product.

The Big Year

N ot-so-angry birders.

The Birth of a Nation

The death of a classic

The Bling Ring

c a-CHING fling.

The Book of Henry

Assassination for Dummies

The Book of Life

Woohoo, death!

The Book Thief

S tole a premise or two.

The Boss

Bruuuuuuuuuuce. Oops. Wrong boss. Rats.

The Boss Baby

Memo to your mother

The Bounce Back

Or ‘rebound’ for those of us who speak English

The Bourne Legacy

Awww, isn’t that cute? This perfect killing machine has a soul, too.

The Boxtrolls

Do they post crap on internet forums, too?

The Boy

And other Homer Simpson exclamations

The Boy Next Door

… would not watch this movie, either.

The Broken Circle Breakdown

O n the one hand, Flemish bluegrass; on the other, an adolescent with terminal cancer. Film is weird.

The Bronze

When your film isn’t necessarily the best, but it’s still pretty good.

The Brothers Grimsby

Because Monty Python no longer exists

The Bye Bye Man

‘Don’t say it? Don’t think it?’ Don’t worry, I’m not.

The Cabin in the Woods

P asty middle-aged men playing God … what is this, a GOP convention?

The Call

S ir, please, ‘this movie sucks’ is not a proper 911 emergency.

The Campaign

S oundly defeated.

The Central Park Five

A band specializing in the blues. The seven-year blues.

The Change-Up

T hrew a curve and went for the screwball. Result? A walk out of the theater.

The Choice

D. None of the above

The Circle

Jerks

The Cobbler

Peachy?

The Cold Light of Day

R eveals a coyote ugly film.

The Collection

N ext time, stamps. Seriously … stamps.

The Comedian

Did you hear the one about the feeble character study?

The Commune (Kollektivet)

Welcome to the jungle/we’ve got fun and shame

The Company Men

H ands up, all unemployed people who wish to be represented by Ben Affleck. Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

The Company You Keep

U sed to be Cool Hand Paul … now it’s Tool Bland Shia.

The Conjuring

E xcuse me, do you mind if I borrow your spine?

The Conjuring 2

Dude. If you’re gonna claim this house, could you at least chip in for rent?

The Conspirator

W hat is just? Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me no more.

The Counselor

M ove to strike from the record.

The Croods

The Cruds

The Danish Girl

She’s really into breakfast pastries

The Dark Knight Rises

Must be the yeast.

The Dark Tower

For those who prefer more snooze-worthy Stephen King adaptations

The Darkest Hour

I n Russia, aliens find you!

The Darkness

Great name for a professional wrestler…or a bounty hunter. Lousy name for a Poltergeist rip-off.

The Debt

H elen Mirren plays a real secret agent here, which almost makes up for Red.

The Descendants

W hat do you suppose ‘Casual Friday’ looks like in Hawaii?

The Devil Inside

P ossessed is the new retarded.

The Diary of a Teenage Girl

Should we be reading this? It seems wrong.

The Dictator

R ULED!

The Dilemma

D ear Diary: My hot wife Winona Ryder is having an affair with Channing Tatum. I suppose I should be upset, but it’s kind of flattering.

The Dinner

I have a reservation. I fact, I have several.

The Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby: Them

Rumor has she died in a church and was buried along with her name. Nobody came.

The Disappointments Room

… wasn’t just the room

The Discovery

Netflix made a decent film?! This *IS* a discovery!

The Do-Over

Does the title mean this is just a first draft?

The Double

Wouldn’t it be great if I were totally cool? Just.like.me. Wah?

The Drop

Welcome to New York City. We’re not in right now. Please leave your tale of crime and inner city grit after the beep.

The DUFF

What does this make Hilary Duff?

The Eagle Huntress

Ummm … does that me she hunts eagles? She is an eagle? I’m confused.

The Edge of Seventeen

The Edginess of Seventeen?

The Emoji Movie

The tender relationship between a boy and his phone

The End of the Tour

♪As we know it/And I’m bored stiff♫

The Equalizer

No. That’s a bunny. This is a guy who doesn’t quit.

The Expendables 2

W elcome to the Museum of Ass-Kicking.

The Expendables 3

I’ve fallen! And I can’t get up!

The Eye of the Storm

P utting the ‘I’ in Eye.

The Factory

S ome dissembly required.

The Family

C ircus

The Fate of the Furious

Ate Fast Ate Furious … got indigestion

The Fault in Our Stars

You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll … cry some more.

The Fifth Estate

B enedict is bleached white for two hours. Cumbercookies, start your engines…

The Finest Hours

6 to 8 P.M. Friday evening (IMHO)

The Five-Year Engagement

O ne big donut experiment.

The Fluffy Movie: Unity Through Laughter

Not a cartoon. Please don’t mistake it for one.

The Forest

… for the tease

The Founder

So who owns the intellectual rights to ‘Mayor McCheese?’

The Fundamentals of Caring

Please Lord, grant me the strength not to punch an invalid.

The Future

I f this is truly the future, I would appreciate you killing me now.

The Galápagos Affair: Satan Came to Eden

Yeah, but only to look at the giant sea turtles, and maybe a murder or two, but that’s it.

The Gallows

Left me hangin’

The Gambler

Fold.

The Gift

Huh. I expected this film to be an endless loop three seconds long. What? Oh, ‘gifT’

The Girl on the Train

♪…drinks all night long, all night long, all night long…♫

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Y ou’ve read the book, now see the movie. No, the new one. No, not the sequel or the other sequel, the one that just came out. Yeah, wait, no. Oh, never mind.

The Giver

I pronounce it ‘The Jiver.’

The Glass Castle

And other things not appearing in this film

The Good Dinosaur

Geez, even the title sounds phoned in.

The Good Lie

(ex.) “This film is far more popular than anything with ‘Madea’ in the title.”

The Grand Budapest Hotel

A rrive before kitchen close, or you’ll go Hungary.

The Grandmaster (Yi dai zong shi)

C hina’s hottest 20th Century DJ

The Great Gatsby

By ‘Great’ you meant ‘length of movie,’ right?

The Great Wall (長城)

… of overhype

The Green Inferno

Right next door to the Blue Lagoon

The Green Lantern

T he title says “Green,” but we all know it blew.

The Grey

Fittingly, The Grey was neither black, nor white, neither good, nor bad, just sort of in the middle.

The Guard

B rendan Gleeson deserves your attention, if for no other reason than to deliver an ethnic slur of some kind at your expense.

The Guilt Trip

D espite the title, I feel no remorse for panning this film.

The Gunman

If you can get past the stupid title, this film is … almost acceptable.

The Handmaiden (아가씨)

Korean-style scammin’

The Hangover Part II

D o you know how hard it is to make the exact same film again?

The Hangover Part III

I have a cure: just go to Star Trek.

The Hateful Eight

Nine if you count Tarantino.

The Heat

L eft me cold.

The Help

V iola Davis and Octavia Spencer are all almost certain locks for Oscar nominations – I have no problem with this, nor should you.

The Hero

And other great sandwiches

The Hitman’s Bodyguard

How do you enjoy your hyperbole?

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

W elcome back to Middle Earth. Care for some beardbling?

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

F ive Armies, huh? Lessee – there were dwarf, orc, elf … er … red … and salvation

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

M aking a Mt. Doom out of a Hobbit hole.

The Hollars

It *is* a toomah!

The Host

A nd I thought I was boring with my body.

The House

Baby needs a new pair of … education!

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)

For when Hell doesn’t have enough levels

The Hundred-Foot Journey

Odd title for a film set entirely within metric countries.

The Hunger Games

W here ‘Sudden Death’ actually has meaning.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

P anem is still a lousy place to holiday.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2

Farewell, sweet franchise.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part I

C oncrete is in this year … or we’re in concrete this year. I forget which.

The Huntsman: Winter’s War

Now is the review of my discontent

The Iceman

k illeth.

The Ides of March

E t tu, Ryan Gosling?

The Imitation Game

R esembled a pretty good film.

The Immigrant

Dread Man Joaquin

The Impossible

T he title refers to the fact that it is literally impossible to weep as much as this film requires.

The Inbetweeners Movie

M ore cock than Magic Mike. Seriously.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

I wave my magic wand *poof* — no stars

The Inevitable Defeat of Mister & Pete

D on’t say you weren’t warned when it turns ugly.

The Infiltrator

Formal name of Hogwarts custodian ‘Filch’

The Intern

You’re working on spec, old man.

The Internship

O r is it ‘The Internment?’

The Interview

Who hasn’t wanted to kill Kim Jong Un?

The Intouchables

T his French remake looks so little like the Costner original.

The Invitation

The favor of a reply is requested: □ will attend □ will have dinner □ will join cult

The Iron Lady

O ld lady dementia and conservative Cold War politics … honey, get the kids!

The Judge

I’m sorry, your honor, I cannot rate this movie because of my religious beliefs.

The Jungle Book

*Not* a bare necessity

The King’s Choice (Kongens nei)

Would you like your pain now or later?

The Kings of Summer

T hat would be Julius and Augustus. Am I right? Huh? Huh?

The Lady in the Van

vs. a man without a plan

The Last Days on Mars

Days? Hours? Who’s counting, really?

The Last Exorcism Part II

W ell make up your mind. Exactly how many last exorcisms were you planning?

The Last Stand

O h thank goodness, ‘cuz Schwarzenegger looks like he’s about to fall over.

The Last Witch Hunter

“I found them all at this place called … ‘Hogwarts’ “

The Last Word

In the dictionary, it’s ‘zyxt’

The Lazarus Effect

Let’s let sleeping dead lie.

The Legend of Hercules

H as gone from myth to pure fabrication.

The Legend of Tarzan

50 Shades of Greystoke

The LEGO Batman Movie

Na na na na na na na na AWESOME!

The Lego Movie

♪Everything is awesome♫

The LEGO Ninjago Movie

Lloyd, I am your father …

The Light Between Oceans

A tiki torch?

The Little Hours

Breaking a bad habit

The Little Prince

Parties like it’s ‘Space: 1999’

The Lobster

Rocks!

The Loft

Misogyny for beginners.

The Lone Ranger

H iyo, credits already!

The Longest Ride

From the theater to home … in complete silence.

The Lords of Salem

I s that the menthol version?

The Lost City of Z

The Lost City of Zzzzzzzz

The Lovers

… of indecision

The Lucky One

… who managed to miss this film.

The Magnificent Seven

Did this oater get your goat-er?

The Man from U.N.C.L.E.

Review from B.I.T.E.M.E.

The Man with the Iron Fists

O h, that’s not a metaphor.

The Martian

Guests of the Red Planet stay at enclosed shelter #5, suitable for up to 18 full hours of quality Earth life.

The Master

…I will not make a cheap joke about self-gratification … I will not make a cheap joke about self-gratification …

The Matchmaker

M atchmaker matchmaker make me a man …

The Maze Runner

Boys will be experiments.

The Meddler

Susan Sarandon is now a Batman villain?

The Mermaid (美人鱼)

Sounds fishy to me … not all fishy, mind you, just, like, 50%

The Monuments Men

E recting a screenplay near you.

The Mountain Between Us

… and, of course, the one we’re stranded atop.

The Mummy

Crummy

The Muppets

L ook, up in the air! It’s our missing audience!

The Neon Demon

Want to be a model … or just look like one?

The Nice Guys

Crowe & Gosling: Birds of a feather?

The Night Before

… incarceration

The November Man

Serving the turkey a little early, aren’t we?

The Nut Job

E pi-pen! Epi-pen, now!

The Odd Life of Timothy Green

R ise and shine; time to water the boy.

The One I Love

Er … one of them, at least.

The Other Side of the Door

Is it the goat? Rats. I just know it’s the goat; should have chosen door #2.

The Other Woman

Baby, I’m not gonna lie: I saw another film right before this one. It meant nothin’ to me. Nothin’. I swear it.

The Overnight

Don’t bother with pajamas.

The Peanuts Movie

‘Hm hwa hwa. Hm hwa.’ ‘Sigh. Yes, Miss Othmar.’

The Perfect Guy

Ray Guy. Punter, Raiders. Hero of SuperBowl XVIII. He was awesome.

The Perfect Match

This movie and one star

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

F ewer pulled muscles. Am I right, people?

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

I miss Wallace and Gromit *sigh*

The Place Beyond the Pines

A rating beyond two stars.

The Possession

i s 9/10ths of ennui.

The Prison (프리즌)

It’s 125 minutes long, but I can leave in 75 with good behavior

The Promise

“I will not suck.” Oops. Too late.

The Purge

T his is some damn extreme dieting.

The Purge: Anarchy

Even purgier!

The Purge: Election Year

From the future that gave us President Trump

The Pyramid

Actually, this movie is more of a Ponzi scheme.

The Quiet Ones

Hey! Keep it down, will ya?

The Raid 2

Now THIS one is about a ‘fridge, right?

The Raid: Redemption (Serbuan maut)

Y ou know kung fu, too? What a coincidence!

The Railway Man

A trainwreck of a life.

The Raven

N evermore.

The Red Turtle (La Tortue Rouge)

Mutant? Yes. Ninja …?

The Revenant

Super, I have to consult a dictionary before watching a film.

The Rewrite

… could have used one. C’mon, man; I’m not even trying here.

The Ridiculous 6

Did you need actual proof that Netflix projects can blow?

The Rover

Send that Guy Pearce over.

The Rum Diary

W e interrupt this alcoholism for a cocktail.

The Runner

Never got off the line.

The Salt of the Earth

J ust in case you were feeling good about the human condition.

The Sapphires

W aaaay too many facets.

The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

Yeah, and Downton Abbey sucks these days, too.

The Secret Life of Pets

Turns out most are CPAs.

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

I nspired by that short story you should have read more carefully.

The Secret World of Arrietty

I t’s a basement. Now get on with your life.

The Shack

Is it wrong to hit on the Holy Spirit?

The Shallows

…or Blake Lively’s range.

The Signal

Illegal procedure – 5 yard penalty, or, your freedom as the case may be.

The Single Moms Club

*sigh* another day, another half-star.

The Sitter

W hy “The Sitter”? ‘Cause you can’t stand it.

The Skeleton Twins

Lorne Michaels. Paging Mr. Lorne Michaels. Two of your SNL children are loose on a set; would you please come claim them before they become real actors? Oh, too late.

The Skin I Live In (La piel que habito)

D o you really want to know? (¿Quieres saber?)

The Smurfs

M uthersmurfing cocksmurfers.

The Smurfs 2

♪Tra, la, lala, lala, la, lala this sucks♫

The Space Between Us

Men really are from Mars

The Spectacular Now

Sometimes being a teen bites in ways you just never consider.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

And he can wipe down the theater when he’s done performing.

The Stanford Prison Experiment

But can it really be worse than finals? Am I right?

The Tale of Princess Kugaya (Kaguyahime no monogatari)

E very bit as interesting as a two-hour knock-knock joke.

The Theory of Everything

T his timed history was far from brief.

The Thing

“Ahhhhhhh!” “What is it, killer aliens?” “No, Norwegians.”

The Third Man

to see this film in 2015

The Three Musketeers

M y, aren’t you just the prettiest little piece of shit I ever did see?

The Three Stooges

M oron isn’t timeless.

The To Do List

►Watch ‘The To Do List’ √

The Transporter Refueled

Hey, look! It’s NOT Jason Statham.

The Tree of Life

R oot rot.

The Trip to Italy

This is why SNL is not on prime time.

The Trust

Non-plussed

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

O h, it’s broken all right.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

P lease tell me this Twilight Hell is finally over.

The Ultimate Life

W arning: film contains no frisbees.

The Vatican Tapes

’Hey, man, leave me out of this’ – Pope Francis