And you thought Malfoy was unpleasant in the Harry Potter oeuvre … you had no idea. Tom Felton takes his weasel game to the next level, abandoning all sly shiftiness in favor of sickly mama’s boy wimp. True branching out there, Draco; you used to be a daddy’s boy.
Camille (Felton), yes “Camille,” is the poor sap you’re supposed to either pity or loathe or both. To imagine Camille, you have to picture a grown up version of the sickly kid in The Secret Garden, except paler and more infirm. Felton’s prematurely receding hairline highlights the awkwardness of his character – it’s just permanently wrong and his sallow skin does him no favors. He and mom (Jessica Lange, sorry, Jessica, so much of this is a mistake) live in French countryside in a century when desire wasn’t allowed and people dressed accordingly. After losing her parents, cousin Thérèse (Elizabeth Olsen) comes to stay with the pair. She comes in handy as Camille’s 24/7 nursemaid and is encouraged to share a bed with her cousin, which she does from childhood on through their marriage. Madame Raquin must have seen the child’s burden as a true Godsend as she only knows, like, three people.
Thanks to overbearing mommy and Camille’s general flaccidity, Thérèse grows up sexually repressed and spends her afternoons digging for earthworms with her vagina. If that sounded even the slightest bit erotic, let me set you straight right now: this is awkward, not sexy. So is the rest of the film. Have you seen the trailer? That’s exactly as sizzling as it gets. No more. After the move to Paris, Thérèse’s wallflower impression attracts the attention of Camille’s childhood pal, Laurent (Oscar Isaac). Their hot affair to follow? Better described as “lukewarm,” “room temperature,” “tepid,” maybe. They have a comfortable affair where, every once in a while, he strips to the waist and she gently exhales. The hinted-at nudity is way too hinty and the description of risqué is, also, way too hinty. There is a scene where Laurent hides in Thérèse’s enormous skirt, which comes off as sillier than sexy.
Thérèse loves Laurent, which is great because nobody else seems to, including us. But her forced marriage to a limp piece of celery in a bad hairdo stands in the way of their happiness. Oh, goodness, what shall they do?
Let me tell you right now – there’s something r
eally screwed about killing somebody you’ve shared your bed with for over a decade. I’m not saying it can’t happen or doesn’t happen, but, man, that’s several shades wronger than wrong. Why don’t you just half-ass the nursing bit? I’m really not sure how Thérèse can spend ten hours of every.single.day with Camille and not have a single powerful emotion about him, or him her. It takes Laurent to show up to decide this is how you feel about your husband? I feel like half this movie is missing.
Madame Raquin’s small shop never has a single customer. I’m serious. I don’t know what it sells, sewing supplies, maybe? and nobody ever enters for the purpose of purchasing anything, I think mostly because they set the store in a cave. In Secret made the odd choice of deciding to give the entire lighting crew the movie off. Also, the Paris of In Secret should contain about 10 people. Where in there world can they find a place with a river and a lack of people so they might properly murder Camille? Have you ever been to Paris? By carriage it must take several hours minimum to find such a place.
In Secret is a failure as a period piece, a failure at eroticism, and a failure at a thriller. By the end of the film, the character I felt the most for was Malfoy, which is to say I think wanted all the characters to die, or the movie simply to end. And perhaps it did; with the lighting I’m still having trouble distinguishing scene from void.
Thérèse gets heavy where she ought not ter
Realizing a life of emotional slaughter
Marriage mistake-o
Gotta kill Draco
Ah, how jealous is Harry Potter?
Rated R, 107 Minutes
D: Charlie Stratton
W: Charlie Stratton
Genre: 95% forbidden 5% fruit
Type of person most likely to enjoy this film: The period piece desperate
Type of person least likely to enjoy this film: Fans of porn
