What’s the deepest cast you can name? I remember growing up it was A Bridge Too Far. This assessment was confirmed decades later by the comedy PCU: “Caine and Hackman in the same movie. This is my thesis!” In 1996, Mars Attacks! presented a list of twenty separate people I could pick out of a lineup. Later still, the Harry Potter octad and Lord of the Rings trilogy would trot out at least that number towards their respective series ends. Still, I was not prepared for this. Avengers: Infinity War boasted twenty-eight separate people I could quickly list as references on a standard movie-watching résumé.
If twenty-eight sounds like a lot, it is. If it sounds like too many, it is. For instance, if you just got out of Black Panther and
want to see more Chadwick Boseman, well, hey, there he is again … for about 45 seconds. Don’t worry folks, half this picture is set in Wakanda, which … doesn’t in any way compensate for the cameo screen time of your favorite heroes.
As far as I can tell, Avengers: Infinity Cast skimped on every single hero out there; oh, there was some great stuff, like Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) and Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) meeting only to have a pissing contest over who gets to save NYC. Later, the antiheroes of the Marvel Universe, the Guardians of the Galaxy, rendezvous-ed with genuine heroes which immediately evolved into Star-Lord (Chris Pratt) displaying his inferiority complex to Norse god Thor (Chris Hemsworth). Gee pal, join the club. This was all wonderful and well worth the admission by itself, but when you’ve got over twenty legitimate characters to talk about, you’ll find script envy replete in the process.
So who does get all the screen time in Avengers: Infinity War? Why that would be the bad guy, an outer-space clay-mountain in CGI form named Thanos (Josh Brolin). Thanos is a power-obsessed humanoid monster with some really bizarre –and occasionally endearing—ideas about a family values. His big plan is to become the most powerful being in existence at all costs and then bring order to the universe by simultaneously murdering 50% of the beings in it. Sources say he’s going to run on the 2020 GOP ticket as a moderate.
In the opening scene, Thanos humbles Thor, kills immortals Heimdall (Idris Elba) and Loki (Tom Hiddleston) –seriously, do you guys understand what “immortal” means?– and then puts a beat on Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) so bad that the green giant takes his balls and goes home for the rest of the movie. Thanos does it all without breaking a sweat … and with a mere two Infinity 
stones. There are six all-powerful Infinity stones in existence – lessee if I can name them: well, there’s the time stone and the space stone and the … continuum stone, and the Cold Steve Austin Stone and the Sly and the Family Stone and Dwayne (“The Rock”) Johnson. Yeah. That should do it. With these six stones, any being can control the universe. However the stones themselves are so powerful, they will destroy all unprotected flesh. Hence, Thanos needs a special glove just to wrench the gems from cold, dead hands. That’s a good tip: You kids out there do keep in mind always wear a glove to be safe.
If you’re the most powerful being in the universe, and you got five digits for six gems, why don’t you just evolve yourself an extra finger? Otherwise, the symmetry is really awkward. Not sure Avengers: Infinity War considered this point.
Turns out two of the remaining stones are on Earth, so Thanos has an away game in mind and eventually everybody is battlin’ everybody. I swear this film was fun for … maybe an hour? And then, well, WAR! And it’s not like the war ain’t fun, but the battle scenes are directed by the Russo brothers, not Peter Jackson. I would love to see what Jackson’s stunt team would have done with these guys. Anyway, bottom line is Avengers: Infinity War has appropriated the plot of animated “gem” Doogal to create a battle for all life itself. Heavy enough for ya? Here’s the thing – this is great, but 1) Every cast member got skimped except for the dude who looks like a golem tried to draw in his own beard; I’m not sure that guy merits Infinity share of the dialogue. And 2) Where do you go from here? How does anybody in this film have a normal adventure once staving off the greatest threat to the universe? Two or three years from now, do you really want to see Spider-Man fight off the Munchies? I mean, yes, but everything after this is anti-climactic. I think Marvel has finally painted itself into a corner.
In the meantime, I guess we’re waiting for Infinity plus one. Sigh.
♪I know that guy from Black Panther 1
And that other from his Asgard reign
There’s the five who guard the galaxy
Hey, is that Cumberbatch? Explain.
And they crowd in here on a summer screen
Grabbing focus once, then they got to leave
And I really want to know
How deep is your cast? How deep your cast
Can these names last?
I’m getting celeb-burn
‘Cause were in the Marvel Universe
Parade of clowns: twenty guys instead of three
All I need is Rob Downey♫
Rated PG-13, 149 Minutes
Director: Anthony Russo, Joe Russo
Writer: Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeely
Genre: Who isn’t in this?
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Marvel-inos
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: I wanna say, “Jane Austen,” but were she alive today, I bet she’d go for RDJ, knowhatImsayin’?
♪ Parody Inspired by “How Deep Is Your Love?”
