When I read the title “Dogs Days,” I didn’t expect the screenplay to explore scientific phenomena or metaphysics or anything too deep, but I didn’t quite expect motivation so transparent that the film could actually be understood by dogs themselves. I guess subtlety is a cat virtue. I was also under the impression that the Garry Marshall genre died with Garry Marshall. Oh no. Today, my friends, is a sad day.
Fashioned by the Marshall Plan, Dog Days follows a cheesy comedrama patchwork quilt of smaller tales related by theme –not relationship- rather than one big narrative tapestry. As with most movies of this type, the director and editor hope we don’t notice that none of the tales is strong enough to hold its own by switching stories after every plot point. Here, five sets of barely-related folks all have lives upended by man’s best friend.
Let’s look at these dogs individually. (I’ve taken the trouble of naming the subfilms for lack of a press junket):
- We Now Turn to Weathering Heights. In the gem stone of the quintet, morning talk show host Elizabeth (Nina Dobrev) is floored when forced to share her show with a guest she insulted on air, Jimmy (Tone Bell). Oh, good, the only young black man in the film is a professional athlete; gosh, I never tire of that particular understated racist trope. As Elizabeth makes a piss-poor host on her own, I think she should be happy she still has a job. Hey, these two are both single and dog owners. Gosh, do you think their pets can break the ice? Suffice to say, there will be butt sniffing, one way or another. I don’t know a sane human who would date Elizabeth for more than 30 seconds. D+
- The Princess and the Pug. New parents Eva Longoria and Rob Corddry have adopted a little girl who is NOT the kid from “Modern Family” (Elizabeth Phoenix Caro). In disturbing fashion, mom & dad knock themselves out trying to find the magic love charm. Turns out, all the kid needed was a stray dog. C
- The Old Man and the Pepperoni. In the best tale among the five, pizza delivery kid (FinnWolfhard) and single old dude (Ron Cephas Jones) bond when the man loses his dog. This is the only story among the quintet in which the action and dialogue didn’t feel completely contrived. I’m sure that if these two got more than ten minutes of screen time, my feeling would have changed. B-
- Two Gentlemen of Pamona. Coffee barista Tara (Vanessa Hudgens) uses a stray Chihuahua to make inroads with the handsome vet (Ryan Hansen) who works in the shelter across the street. Oh, but guess what? The nerdy owner (Jon Bass) of the shelter already has Tara in his cross-hairs. D
- The Odd Dissee. Family black sheep and possible drug-addicted guitarist Dax (Adam Pally) takes over dog-sitting duties for the parents of newborn twins (Thomas Lennon and Jessica Lowe). His building allows for no pets which -in turn- allows for hilarious moments like when the neighbor thinks Dax is engaging in human trafficking. Cuz, you know, what’s funnier than human trafficking? C-
Dog Days is all about the awkward. The idea is simple – introduce awkward situations involving dogs and resolve them … audience happy, everybody wins. As long as we leave the theater smiling, do you care if it felt like the film was written by a five-year-old? I think not.
I can’t fault director Ken Marino for getting women on screen. He is not shy at all about putting women front-and-center in Dog Days. What I can fault him with is getting quality work out of the women he puts front-and-center. I came away from Dogs Days wondering how employable Nina Dobrev, Vanessa Hudgens, and Eva Longoria are right now. In Hudgens case, she delivers a worse performance than when I first saw her in High School Musical. That’s right; I do believe she has regressed as an actress…back to middle school; I would encourage her to sing all her dialogue from now on, assuming that talent hasn’t regressed as well. As for Dog Days, well, your dog-loving child will probably enjoy parts of it, as will your dog. I won’t speculate about the adult humans you know.
♪When the Marshall was gone, there was vacuum
(Ah yippee? Oh no!)
He left a legacy behind
(Mediocr-oh)
Dem fellas said we need cheese to consume
(Dairy uh oh)
Jus’ look at the picture we find
And dis critic shout out
Who made this dog crap?
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who made this dog crap?
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who made this dog crap?
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof
Who made this dog crap?
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof♫
Rated PG, 113 Minutes
Director: Ken Marino
Writer: Elissa Matsueda and Erica Oyama
Genre: Whatever goes to the dogs
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Dogs. Not dog lovers. Actual dogs.
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Cat people
♪ Parody Inspired by “Who Let the Dogs Out?”
