Here’s a film that gives a little bit of everything. And when I say, “little,” I mean next to nothing. Paltry drama, paltry romance, paltry horror, paltry mystery, paltry cast, paltry direction, paltry action. It wasn’t until hour #2 that The Little Stranger clarified it was a horror film. Wait. Is horror what you’re going for here? No way! I would sooner have pegged the wannabe “Downton Abbey” setting for a Western … or anime.
In a film desperately in need of several rewrites and an editor, The Little Stranger, with its nothing burger (nothing pasty?) of entertainment, tried to hide its emptiness by padding runtime as if the English landscape itself were teeming with free-roaming celluloid. As usual, I’m careful not to spoil the plot only to discover this film is nearly unspoilable; I couldn’t report a single moment, action, or piece of dialogue that might constitute a spoiler as I have no idea what the film wanted to say.
Hmmm, I suppose I can at least tell you what I saw. Dr. Faraday (Domhnall Gleeson) makes a call to the rundown and nearly forgotten Hundreds Hall. It was a palace of legend and wonder in his youth, but now contains just four people and they’re all depressed. Once welcomed, Faraday makes excuses to drop in on the Hall so that we can get footage, footage, and more footage of the uptight Faraday getting in and out of his vintage automobile. “We rented this thing and we’re damn well going to show it!” Look, you’re gonna think I’m kidding, but the first half of this film was essentially Domhnall riding around in that car. Hence, several questions arise during Faraday’s visits: Is there some sort of spectral presence giving rise to the general malaise in the household? Can Faraday heal the house lord (Will Poulter) badly burned while serving in the RAF? Will the lady of the house (Ruth Wilson) fall for Dr. Faraday, the only eligible bachelor in the county? And what kind of gas mileage is Faraday getting?
When the film finally tires of itself, inexplicable things happen around Hundreds Hall. I won’t describe because you might find them thrilling or exciting and they were not. You want my opinion? The house did it. It’s sentient and it got bored of how stuffy the English gentry can be, so it started adding some thrills to the place. Of course, it’s a house, so it has no understanding of action or dialogue or pace, but then, neither did director Lenny Abrahamson, either. So they’re even.
Now that Domhnall Gleeson has established that he’s going to be in every British film for the next decade, he might want to develop some style, or at least some distinctive acting traits. I like Domhnall, really and truly I do, but at three to four major roles per year, he’s presently commanding a lot more attention than his charisma would suggest. Let me put it this way – you see the name “Domhnall Gleeson” on the marquee; is there any part of you that says, “I gotta see that?” You’re not alone. I feel like the reedy redhead flips through the pages of J.K. Rowling before every film and selects a random Weasley to emulate. For The Little Stranger, Domhnall selected Percy Weasley, the stuffy and humorless pencil-pusher of the clan. Domhnall doesn’t quite reach Percy’s level of pompous self-importance, but he sure has the yardstick-up-the-ass part down flat. In non-US areas, is it “meterstick-up-the-ass?” It pains me to see an actor I generally enjoy doing nothing enjoyable on screen … for hours. I’d rather have his father show up as “Mad Eye” Moody again just to breathe some life into this corpse of a picture.
The Litter Stranger is film that tries your patience for so long that in between your third nap and seventh watch check, you might just growl, “this better have a good ending.” It doesn’t. Honestly? I’m a little embarrassed for staying on the assumption that it would. That wouldn’t have saved the picture, but it might have saved my afternoon. As is, the film stays consistent to the model in which every other aspect of the picture is disappointing; why not the ending as well?
If you give this house a look-see,
It is going to ask your class and ilk.
When you recite your ilk,
It will probably say “pshaw”
When it’s finished, it will probably say, “you are lacking.”
Then, you’ll see the gothic mirror and wonder if there’s a plot going on in this house.
When you discover there isn’t one, you’ll probably get bored and go to sleep.
When you wake up and the film is still going on, you’re going to want your money back.
When you don’t get your money back, you’ll call the theater some bad words and storm out.
As you cool off, you’ll realize you didn’t get to see a movie today.
This will make you anxious and desperate to see anything.
And when you’re that desperate and anxious and ready to see anything,
You’ll probably return to the theater you just came from.
And when you realize Crazy Rich Asians and BlacKkKlansman are sold out,
You can only get a ticket to this English muffed-sin
And you’ll give this house another look-see.
Don’t be that guy.
Rated R, 111 Minutes
Director: Lenny Abrahamson
Writer: Lucinda Coxon
Genre: It literally doesn’t matter
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Bored sentient houses
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Those of us who desperately wait for a movie to happen while the screen is flashing
Parody Inspired by If You Give A Mouse A Cookie
