Golly gee, you learn somethin’ new every day, doncha? For instance, I learned this weekend that I can absolutely loathe a teen romance. I didn’t think that was possible, but sho’ ‘nuff, After came along and made me distrust every predilection I had towards enjoying teen romance. Congrats, film; you made college suck.
As prestigious Rossmoor University (proud home of the “Fightin’ Geriatrics”), stodgy freshman are quickly placed with cooler upper class kids, so that their painful anal-rod-removal surgery will proceed cleanly. Tessa (Josephine Langford) is one such prim ‘n’ proper freshman who is introduced to her roommate, a nose-ringed, shirt unbuttoned, vaping mom-alarm. Mom (Selma Blair) is, indeed, alarmed. Less alarmed is Tessa’s brother, who sits patiently on her bed while mom tries to bully Tessa privately into changing rooms. Wait. That’s not her brother? That dork is her boyfriend?! Oh, you are kidding me. And he’s still in high school?! Yup, I give this relationship three scenes.
It isn’t long before the rival comes around, offering the worst meet-cute in recent history: Tessa has misjudged the communal bathroom drainage system and disgustedly retreats toweled rather than clad to her dorm room as her clothes are now sopping wet. Inside her room, her roommate has been replaced by Hardin (Hero Fiennes Tiffin), casually self-involved on her bed. He pretty much refuses to go when she asks him to do so (“I’m not looking at you”), which is an awesome thing to learn about your future husband.
Oh, it gets better. Tessa is forced to a party and peer-pressured to indulge. In the “Truth or Dare” game (really? It’s college, people, stop playing “Truth or Dare” and get straight to the dares), Tessa is forced to participate, comes off as a prude, and then gets lectured long-distance through texts from her dorky (soon-to-be-ex-) boyfriend. Super, now I hate everybody in the film. Next day in class, Hardin is so unimpressed by the “Truth or Dare” snub, that in response to a general question about Pride & Prejudice, he eyes Tessa, and scoffs, “Elizabeth Bennet should get over herself.” My, you are a charmer, aren’t you? Quite the Fienne Hero in my book. I don’t have to tell you that romantic English literature composes roughly 80% of Tessa’s reason to live, do I?
The good news is after that, the relationship and movie has nowhere to go but up, right? I can’t say that “up” necessarily happened. It was more like a rise, a flattening, and then a set of terrible realizations driving down to a false conclusion. I’d say this movie mesa-ed. Do you know what the worst part of this experience was? The title. It’s called “After,” because –the movie tells me- “everything changed After I met Hardin.” Did it? First sees you in a towel. He clearly wasn’t moved. You were just annoyed. You were artificially paired at a party where both of you come off bad. It takes about five separate meetings for these two to be civil to one another. “After we met, everything changed?” HA! After my After review, I’m ready never to think about this film again in my lifetime. That’s how much it changed me.
Young suitors from Suffolk to Boston
Should heed the dread price of accostin’
Don’t scuttle the lass
Instead, take a pass
Know better than bust on Jane Austen
Rated PG-13, 106 Minutes
Director: Jenny Gage
Writer: Susan McMartin
Genre: COLLEGE!! Oh, sorry. college.
Type of being most likely to enjoy this film: Girls who fall for the bad boy
Type of being least likely to enjoy this film: Boys who watch it happen
